I am twenty in less than a week and I don’t think this is what I believed I’d do or feel when I reached this age. I thought of myself as powerful because I had the ability to ‘ignore’ feelings and situations - nothing could affect me, me? unstoppable. It was a very hard hit when I realized that all that ignoring caught up me and I couldn’t control my emotions any longer - I bursted, into a pit of constant sobbing and darkness, one where I gasped for air constantly. It’s a long process I find, that of self-love, self-understanding, and healing. I take one step forward and then two back. Nonetheless, I chose to write this not to pity myself or having a boo-boo parade because truthfully I have done that quite a lot lately but rather to remind myself that I’m wonderful. I am not my anxiety and I wont let her win, I wont give up. I wont give up, I can’t, I won’t. I need to be thankful that I have made it where I am today, that I’m surrounded by love and incredible people who do anything to make sure I’m okay. I am thankful of who I am, I am someone who is suffering and struggling but who is giving it her all to move forward, to flourish, to get out of this dark place. On my twentieth birthday, I hope I am proud of myself and not upset. I hope I can see that there is a bright light inside me and that all my struggles will one day no longer break me. I will rise, I will continue, I will not give up. I don’t like myself now, but I know the love is inside and I will do all I can to reach it.
