Summary: post Doomsday, of places and things lost
For the prompt âfamilyâ of @timepetalsweek
Jackie took the ripped envelope with reverent hands.
It didnât make sense, not really. How time passed in this world. Sometimes, of course, she wouldnât even notice, because calendars here still had twelve months and clocks an hour hand and a minute hand; others, however, she woke up thinking about the ludicrous hole a killer Christmas tree had left in her bedroom and just how expensive fixing it was going to be, only to find herself in a four-poster bed with silk sheets in a room like the bedchamber of Henry VIII, and everything around her crumbled. Those days were the hardest. Those days, she could feel the past like it was around the corner, just at the end of her fingertipsâRose, you came back! Oh, and you, big fella! Youâre all mine!âand at the same time distant, remote and non-existent, fading in the way dreams fade the moment you blink awake.
Those days, Jackie thought, she was one step closer to understand her daughter. Because, despite the weeks and the months, she still catches the haunted looks, never misses the blank stares. Because it was just yesterday that she was holding her trembling body in a beach in Norway, and yet it wasnât. It had been one year and a half. In those moments, Jackie was sure that there was something terribly wrong about the way the cogs turned in this world.
Sheâd thought sheâd like it.
What a silly idea that seemed now. Â
She shakes the envelope and the paper falls soundless as a feather.
There is only one picture. She had been dismayed when she found out, but Mickey told her that the rest of the files were corrupted and that there was nothing else he could do. Bless him. Those old mobiles had never been too reliable, anyway.
Why, of course they were smiling, it was the only thing they seemed to be able to do around each other. Her with the dimples on her cheeks, and him with that barmy face and those barmy eyebrows. She didnât know when it had become their trademark, only that it had.
They were pointing at something outside of the frame, their raised arms cut by the elbow. It must have been something incredible, no doubt, for their eyes were wide and shining. Inexplicably, they both wore two pairs of sunglasses, maintaining an precarious balance at the top of their heads, but they were too lost in whatever it was that had caught their attention to care. The quality of the image is fuzzy and the background is a blur of grey and blue. They couldâve been in Spain or in a moon colony lightyears away from Earth, and she wouldnât be able to tell. Their expression is one of sheer wonder, and she thinks thatâs how they shouldâve looked, forever.
Forever wondering, forever marvelling. Â
And she had once been so worriedâworried that sheâd lose herself, that on every ship and planet and asteroid she visited, sheâd leave a piece of herself behind until there was nothing left. It couldnât have been further from the truth: her daughter, she realized, had found herself among the stars, and she had soared. And for some reason, this realization brings a pain to her chest greater than any other. And she regrets, regrets, regrets, regrets, regrets, regrets so deeply she can feel her guts turn inside out.
And it only gets worse, because every day she sees her, and sheâs trying so hard to build, sheâs trying so hard to create and not destroy. To leave a mark, to carve a niche of her own, fit in the spaces between offices and parties and rooms twice the size of their flat. But itâs like Rose always tells her: âI was never born here. There isnât a hole with my outline. If I want a place for myself, I have to start from scratch.â
Jackie can feel her hands shaking.
She doesnât know when her daughter became so wise.
Indeed, it is those gaps. Itâs those gaps she feels when she wakes up in a bed thatâs not hers, with a husband that might look like hers, but heâs alive and well and no longer a ghost. Itâs terrifying.
They had left a hole with their outline when they left, and Jackie wonders what it might look like. An empty council flat. With her cheap furniture, a desolate fridge and a broken washing machine. With a tiny bathroom with bad lighting and a crooked mirror. With two bedrooms cluttered with years and years of trinkets and keepsakes that would no longer hold any meaning whatsoever: Christmas postcards and old blankets and earrings and dirty clothes and a bronze medal and magnets of places they never visited.
Of all that, would remain nothing.
But in her mind, as she envisions it, to her surprise she realizes that the house isnât empty. Not completely. She imagines a shadow, a lonely figure in a long coat, standing in the middle of it all like a salt statue.
She wonders if he will mourn them for long.
Because, as she holds the picture in her hands, she thinks of paper crowns and garlands and laughter and ash instead of snow, and she too, mourns.
Someone stands still on Walworth Road and the Earth keeps turning.
The burden had been his to bear.
Itâs always been like this.
Every person he meets leaves a load when they part waysâa bundle of memories, of good times and bad times and a little bit of this, and oh, also a little bit of thatâand he carries it gladly. Sometimes with sorrow, and pain, but always gladly. Itâs the least he can do. Itâs his duty. Or something like it, anyway. The word is too formal and too pompous and he doesnât like how it sounds in any case.
But it wasnât a sense of obligation that drove him here. Not because he felt that he had to, or that he owed them (even though he owes them, so much), but because he feels if he doesnât honour whatâs left of them, he doubts that anyone else will. And he can let the world forgetâbecause humanity always forgets, humanity always moves onâtheir names and their faces and the footprints they left along their path, but he wonât.
So he steps into the flat.
For some reason, he didnât think thereâd be silence. This was never a place for silence; for chatter and laughter, always; for quiet, sometimes; but never for this sheer blankness, this void of sound. Now, however, there is so much of it heâs afraid the flat will burst. He could quantify it, estimate it, calibrate its exact weight and mass, because this silence is something tangible, something that looms and lurks and creeps onto your back. Thereâs something about it that unnerves this body. This silence makes his nerves itch and tingle and he wants to flee like a scared animal.
But he canât bring himself to break it.
The TARDIS waits in the childrenâs playground, because parking it on the front room felt irreverent, and because Jackie always complained about the marks the old ship left on the carpet. Now heâs three floors up, foldaway cardboard boxes under his arm, and heâs crossed the threshold and itâs silent. It takes eight tentative steps, twenty-seven feet and 6.3 inches, and heâs in the living room. He can see the kitchen from his vantage point: the tap dripping every 0.9 seconds and the dirty dishes still in the sink and a mug on the table and everything is so there and it looks so very much the same that it aches. And suddenly it seems like the air turns liquid and dense and the Doctor freezes.
Itâs like a snow globe.
It dawns on him that he doesnât want to touch anything, that heâd rather die before moving a frame or a chair an inch from their current resting place. He wants to keep it this way, forever; preserve an ordinary, utterly unimportant empty council flat against the ravages of time, uncorrupted and uncorruptible. Nothing more and nothing less than a home, lived-in and worn-out, with specks of dust dancing against the sunlight and a half-finished cuppa still waiting for its owner to return. To come back.
He thinks he might wait, too.
He drops the cardboard boxes, and it isnât until then that he notices.
Beside a too-familiar rucksack, there is a square plastic box. A disposable camera. The classic FujiFilm.
Attached to it, a pink sticky note.
Once, it might have been a trivial reminder, just one among the many things in a to-do list, but now it feels more like a dying wish. Unfulfilled. Â
He doesnât think it twice.
Heâs sprinting down the stairs before he can register that his body is moving at a disproportionate speed, the odds of missing a step and breaking his spine increasing exponentially.
Thereâs never been a dark room in the TARDIS, and it occurs to him that he should build one, one day. Why didnât the TARDIS have a dark room? The TARDIS most definitely should have a dark room. That way, at least, heâd save the sidelong glances and the startled faces. Oh. Barging in again, arenât we, Doctor?
Itâs one of those little street shops, wedged and squeezed, fighting for space between a Tesco and an ATM, where you can have your photos printed in an hour and a puzzle or a keychain made with your face on it. Genius. At the counter were two employees with name tags attached to their breast pockets, and they both looked like they were about to ask him to leave. But heâs quick to slam the camera on the counter and rummage his pockets until he finds the right currency, and suddenly their faces turn bright and trustworthy.
So he waitsâone hour, as the advert saysâand the soles of his chucks punctuate the passing of each second.
When they give him the envelope, he stumbles back onto the street and rips it open.
The crowds pass him by, but heâs glued to the sidewalk from head to toe.
Out of the whole roll of film, there are only three photos. The first one is a table, the tablecloth faded at the edges and with a couple of burst seams, laid out with all sorts of foodsâalmost too much foodâlooking like an impromptu banquet, messy and exaggerated and inviting, and he knows exactly when it was taken.
He canât say the same about the second one.
Itâs the cracker they pulled, on a Christmas Eve that was both the first and the last. It was all glitter on the outside until it popped with a short loud bang. The paper crown had been pink and it had matched his, and she had been elated. Halfway through dinner, the telly had blared a season classic and they had tried to dance, tumbling ridiculously as to avoid the chairs and the sofa and oh, careful there, thatâs the china figurine cousin Mo brought from Belgium! They had gotten tangled with the tinsel in the process, but her grin had been as wide as her cheeks stretched. Only now, he realizes, that he had been grinning too. Perhaps that was why he couldnât remember the click of the camera, or Jackie fussing about saying cheese!
He has no clue when this moment happened, only that it came and it was gone in the blink of an eye.
And then the Doctor is left alone, standing still on Walworth Road, and his face is lined with tears.
He only catches a brief glimpse of the third photograph before he shoves the envelope into his coat pocket. It was dark, barely an outline, of two figures pointing at the sky.
I spent Christmas day just over there, at the Powell Estate, with this⊠family. My friend, she had this family. Well. It was myâŠ
Bringing his hands to his face, he pushes his palms against the globes of his eyes until patterns emerge under the pressure, but no matter how hard he tries the tears keep falling.
The Doctor stands still and the crowds pass him by.
An the burden, this time, is too heavy to bear.