Blips on the Radar

There's a tv in my brain and I keep flipping through the channels. [My main blog and how I interact is SleepySera]

[tinyblips]

I can still see my hand reaching out for you Used to be us stuck together like glue But the fog came in and disassembled us Like a big ol’ paper craft made by some klutz

Waters came in and flooded the perimeter I screamed out but the fog was a thickener Screamed so hard till the water filled my lungs Screamed so loud till I had to bite my tongue

Water’s running deep Pulling surely at your feet The water’s swept you away Swept you a ways away

Water’s running deep Pulling surely at your feet The water’s swept you away Swept you a ways away

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If I sit by the campfire long enough in this long dark night and I touch each ember floating into the sky, will I eventually touch the perfect one at just the right angle at just the right moment to find the way back home to you?

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Spring breezes flow through Curtains I’d bought with you Was it one year ago or two The memories evaporate like dew

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Sleep now, The moon breathed softly. But how? When still the dreams haunt me.

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A Test

Tired She whispers, barely keeping her grip Tired The threads are so frayed; they’re about to give– Tired Dangling there from a tree–will she slip? Tired The moon gazes down at her, not giving in.

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Emerge

Hope sighs Mist on the wind Clouded sights Heart takes wing

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The Breaking Point

Fire scorches the inside of my ribs Teeth marks claw marks– Screams reverberate still

Lightning cracks, sparks and arcs Hope is something clung until It’s torn asunder in the dark

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The days are starting to bleed together Spun ever soft as an eider duck's feather I’ll wait for you in the deep cold weather Until you gnaw off the chains of your tether

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The sun spot freckles on my cheeks by my eyes that my mom would always call the ugliest thing in the world both on her and on me–he paused one day to say, “Your freckles are the shape of hearts.”

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Winter Solstice

The sky was beautiful today. A glowing cotton candy pink strewn across the sweet blue sky. It felt as though it had been such a long time since the sun was still out this late, but it had only been a few weeks. Was that all it had been? Just a few weeks?

Those few weeks felt like we were dragged into the pits of hell, forced to fend for ourselves with toothpicks and rubber bands. Darkness expanded all around us, punctured by the heat of the dark flames that were absorbing all of our light from us. We tried to scream, but our voices were swallowed whole by the laughing void. Our ears bled from the regrets of all our years past. It was all we could do to just lay down in defeat. But was it really defeat?

Laying down in the dry darkness, singed and voiceless–yet still we dared to breathe. Still we dared to touch the charcoal dirt beneath us, our eyes completely useless in the thick black shroud. Licking our lips, we dared to hold on. We would not allow the flames to consume us. We would not allow the light of our souls to be eaten by the starving faceless void. Without knowing for what, we waited, fists clenched, breathing calmly.

The twilight sky fades to a musky dark indigo, and it occurs to me that maybe, after everything, we managed to make it out after all.

[tinyblips]

Wish

To the moon She whispered How soon Ends this discord

From the moon Was whispered Very soon Ends this discord

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Have you walked the dark night?

Have you gazed into the monstrous darkness within your own soul, its inky tentacles wrapping tantalizingly tight around your neck?

Do you know what it means to laugh at death across the abyss, as he stares stares stares right back at you knowing knowing knowing--

And when the time comes for you to walk the dark night again, will you try to run away?

Or will you throw back the last of your wine, and walk right up to death to finish what you once started?

[tinyblips]

There’s been so much pain and so much wonder. So much strife and so much bliss. So much worry and so much joy. So much sorrow and so much laughter.

The places don’t own me anymore. The ghosts have long gone, and the moon shines over me no longer as a friend, but as a reflection. The me that I needed to become in order to get out alive is here now.

I have arrived. I am home.

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I wasn’t quite sure what her name was.

My hand hesitated over the door knob I’d just unlocked, my brain completely frozen, puzzled by all the possible letters that could be combined to make a name as perfect as hers. I had known it at one point, I swear. It would come to me in moments of laughter, moments of love, and moments of grief. It was my anchor in life, the first thing on my lips in the morning, and the last thing at night.

And yet now, standing here at the threshold I have stood before every day for the last 30 years of my life, I found that I could not remember her name.

I willed myself to grab the door knob and turn it. It felt cool in my hand and it was all I could focus on. I would see her, and I would remember her name. I had to believe that I would remember her name. She was the most important person in my life. How could I forget her name?

[tinyblips]

The fact that you exist makes my soul weep with joy.

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The Phoenix Queen looked into the mirror and saw him laying down, bloodied, at the hands of Fate. Rage flashed in his eyes at the defeat. His summoned energy sword fizzled out next to him. Fate laughed. Then all at once the Chaos Mage looked through the laughing Fate and saw the truth. This was not Fate. It was an illusion. He recognized the shimmering magic, and besides, Fate does not laugh. Eternity does. His hand clenched into a fist. If it is but Eternity, he could definitely win that fight.

He had gone to the Gardens of Eternity to find Fate, and to fight her on a suicide mission fully expecting to die. Goading death, he laughed as he was kicked around and beaten on the steps of the fiery temples. And yet, this was a mere disguise. He let out a yell. How dare his fight with Fate be ruined in this way! As Eternity laughed above him, the Chaos Mage summoned an energy sword and in a quick flash, turned and stabbed him right in the solar plexus.

“Eternity,” he grunted, staring deep into the golden eyes that faded from blue.

Chaos Mage, Eternity wheezed back at him.

“It’s been a while,” said the Chaos Mage.

That is has. Glad to see you haven’t lost your touch.

“Oh, well I’m not glad about it.” He sighed as he kicked Eternity off of his sword and wiped it on his bloodied robe. “Tell me where Fate has gone. I would have words with her.”

Ah yes, words. Is that what you children call your fists and weapons these days?

“Yes.”

She has gone far away from here. I’m not sure you would be able to find her. Eternity sighed and turned to dust drifting away in the winds. He always had a flair for the dramatics, thought the Chaos Mage as he glared at the firelight dancing upon the sands. He felt the chains of Fate that bound him and longed so desperately to be free. He briefly considered chasing Fate down through the dimensions, but then thought better of it. He would be chasing her for the rest of time, which was nothing but an absolutely useless trap.

He pondered what the old oracle had whispered to him in his home world when he was still just a boy. Are we a slave to chasing our fate because we want to overcome it and be free to live, or because we want it to destroy us so we can be free to die? He had suggested that the answer should be neither, but she laughed her ugly laugh at him. Someday you will understand, she said. Someday you will know.

[tinyblips]

And while you’re being torn to pieces by fate, the only thing you can do is try to make sure you’re drinking enough water and eating well.

That’s it. That’s all you can do.

That, and cry.