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[Image Description: 1-5) Woman peers over glasses with her face in different rose flowers colored red, pink, red, red, and yellow at different angles. 6) Bright green june bug revelling at the center of a pink rose flower.] // By all means, Stop and Smell the flowers But I dare you to take it one step farther Put your lips to the petals Breathe in and Kiss the flowers. // Seriously it's quite sensual on the lips. I don't mean accidentally brushing your lips on the petals while you're smelling them, I mean really kissing these petals softly. Other things I learned today - the light lavender ones smell best to me. https://www.instagram.com/p/B0W4fuIAtsYfdZoqGdPtEY5lAh-gSTi8UFuP2s0/?igshid=1awl7x7hxwai9

[Video description: Computer screen open to a Google Doc titled Talk Story. Video is a scroll through of the pages of the document.] // I started this piece in 2017. And it is now 2019. It is 8 separate poems I wrote about dealing with my internalized racism and takes up 11 pages. // It would be an honor for you read it and let me know what you think. Some things I'm still looking to edit - the titles of sections, the ending, including something more about mending the relationship with my mother or something, including something about my grandfather and uncles death, both of which occurred in between when i started and finally "finished" this. And i don't like how it ends. But anyway. Message me if you want to read it! https://www.instagram.com/p/Bz1DnXIA2DycBK9sfLchaOobUPS1BnnSKPrV1E0/?igshid=od4a0qc6i4ri

[Image Description: Asian woman facing camera with pink glasses down her nose next to a tree trunk during the light of sunset.] Golden hour is always upon me with skin like mine. I am colorfully dark, Tan, Brown, Yellow - a sun-kissed iridescent novel. https://www.instagram.com/p/BwTJUGxA7ZraRKu3NBqYmT2NXFrSMivlYC_c380/?igshid=1fxoecvyrwggo

[Image Description: Woman grin-smirking in magenta pink transition glasses and purplish lipstick in front of a building.] I’ve got a pocket full of hearts Because my kids gift me their art That is literally full of hearts, stars, And shapes for which I have no name. With every one of my kids and their unique gifts - Art, witticisms, words, energy, life spirit, I discover a new part of myself As they pull me into their magic, Challenging me to expand my understanding, humility, patience, listening and energy Transforming me into zombie, vampire, princess, police, robber, mother, and evil stepmother, Reminding me that I’m an artist With so much creativity If I just let myself play like the kids, Running wild and free, With no adherence to play area boundaries, Drawing without hesitation, With no heed for someone else’s criticism. Filled with lessons from my kids, Along with a pocket full of hearts, I endeavor to play in my own adult way, Responsibly, By scheduling time in my day to day, For that most important part of school, Recess. Because in this world full of the serious businesses of Poverty, gentrification, and the gamut of -isms, I don’t want just breaks, Small respites designed to help us survive the day, I want a recess full of tag, handball, miscellaneous sports, made up games, imaginary role play, and more. May this pocket full of hearts sustain me As I practice scheduling play and recess And in that process Reclaim my humanity for liberation. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sadly, the yellow heart shape that my student gave me and inspired this poem fell out of my pocket. But forreals, been talking to my therapist about how I haven't done well enough to schedule free time for myself and it's interesting for me to try to reframe it for myself as recess. "Have I had recess yet?" Definitely not. Thinking of all this whilst thinking of taking on work hours on Saturdays. I think the answer is no based on this, and other therapist talks and time and stuff, but dang I could always use the extra $45 for 10 weeks. So idk - cue continued angst. https://www.instagram.com/p/BuN883NhFRx_BHIEM6NEGJvI5l8O29w4fjMXWY0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1a9su1zgdnzwm

[Image Description: Pink clouds streak across a blue sky with the yellow of sunrise coming into frame. Cityscape of downtown LA rises amidst the rooftops of garages and houses.] ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Carpe diem spins the day into night till I’m dizzy with all this busy. Sunrise flies past unsettling the sunset softly reminds me of a different magic - Sit idly and just be. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When I was 17, I read this book where an entire page/chapter was one word: Sunrise. And gawd, I thought it was so stupid and a waste of paper. Read the book again seven years later with a better historical context and then it made sense. And again this morning, it made sense. (Ceremony by Leslie Marmon Silko). https://www.instagram.com/p/BtMiw2EBRt7kiObKVcswNb4wngaL7mUlSaFKSQ0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=29im95n2pb1v

[Image Description: Asian woman looks forward with hiking trail, chaparral landscape and gray clouds behind her.] I have returned to the beginning, Where the onset of 2019 is 2016 all over again. I’m not starting over, but I’m back where I began In the processes of my politicization. I face myself in the mirror and speak truth to power, “I am not enough.” Lamenting the profound loss of my language, my culture, myself, Humbling the strength of all the generations that have come before, Bowing my head to the wind and rain, with profound sadness, say, “I have so much to learn, to do, to reclaim” Confronting the immense sacrifice of assimilation, I cry without shame Then walk on. Making resolutions for personal liberation To keep trying To keep becoming To keep on keeping on Even when the goal is unclear, out of sight, And will not be achieved in my lifetime, I will not let so much of myself die without some sloppy fight. 爷爷 passed away this past year, And he was the main reason for relearning Cantonese, I haven’t cared too much about watching HK dramas since then, *Deep breath* but let me try again Remembering that I am not enough, But with other friends and family to support, We are enough. https://www.instagram.com/p/BsSNvizhmoTGA_5aPtM4Xh56zP7Hic6KuvYQpQ0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1m0kc7l1npwgn

[Image Description: Please see alt text] Been waiting for the end of 2018 since September. "When there's nothing left to burn, set yoursef on fire." - Stars ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 2018 has been a year of grief, Leaving me searching For safety, normalcy, A return to myself. Home is where the heart is so I will follow my friends most anywhere And they take me to the tropics Where I hope and expect to find The elusive climate of happiness Which is a search for fool’s gold Because being happy is not a climate But a weather amongst seasons And it has been a prolonged winter. Happy or sad or angry or scared or surprised, Moods change like the weather And in Hawaii, I remember that happiness Is only a short stop on a long journey Towards the real destination of my mind’s silence, I’m settling into a process of resilient contentedness To withstand the hard seasons And find an ease of peace in grief. Home is where the heart is so I will go seek community And they take me to Philly Where I have learnt to expect nothing Cause I’m jaded and don’t want to be disappointed. It’s a strategy to protect myself from hoping. Low expectations are strange but necessary opportunities To begin to hope again in that I will start but won’t settle for the bare minimum Because when the well of energy is empty Feeling nourished by a single drop of water is easy. I am lucky to have my expectations exceeded beyond imagination, The well is fuller than ever because Philly Was not just about creating new community, But igniting with family, blood and chosen. Home is where the heart is so My friends and I choose to adventure in Denver Where I expect nothing but pleasure And I find so much pleasure in simply being. Home is understanding my mind and body. Home is walking the land as an artistic process. Home is when the sky sends me my namesnake - snow, 雪. Home is me and I am home. https://www.instagram.com/p/BsFAXVbBvWKpx8jHJME9NKsK_K7gxSHAaUsd3E0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1ibn1iqxicuwm

[Image Description: Smiling Asian woman in glasses wearing a sweater of flowers in an official school portrait.] --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Finished my last assignment for the semester, And I still have a ways to go before I'm a Teacher, But I'm not trying to rush this process. Especially when I'm happy to be exactly where I am, Dare I say as "just a TA". Cause I know I'm so much more Than my title or work or what i produce. I'm a silly goose. "You're a silly goose Ms. TiDo cause you have a silly goose badge." A different set of kids told me I go to baby school.😆🤣😂😝😋 These aren't even the funniest anecdotes - just the ones I can remember. These little humans give me the best education I could ever have when it comes to living loudly and free. I am so privileged and honored to have them to look up to. https://www.instagram.com/p/BrPJx95h8pkERALVNhCp7PbGYad5AWLXmcFjeU0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1bz12emrtcbz2

[Image Description: Asian woman with sunglasses looks to the right on a blue sky with palm trees.] ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Self Prescribing Sunlight. I noticed my friend, basil plant, withering today I decided they needed sunlight. I noticed my body needing something this morning. I thought maybe fresh fruit and ate a cutie. I thought maybe sugar water and drank juice and milk tea. I thought maybe it needed a big poo so I tried that too. Nothing quite hit the spot so I gave up and carried on with my day. It wasn't until I was in the cold of AC, shivering That I realized how I am a fool Forgetting that I need sunlight too. https://www.instagram.com/p/BrJIZbwBlj8-ZeyB1_wxQON-T89kAiL0Hoc8rw0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=d2gulo3b1gqa

[Image Description: woman wearing eyeglasses looks to the right with a small flower in her lips.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Beauty is only skin deep. But so is ugly. My skin is shedding like no other this winter. I am gifted this ugliness as a shield to haters. It is but one of the entry fees for loving me. To live with my itching and scratching and skin falling. Skin is the largest organ of the human body. And I have never taken care of it properly. What does that say about me? My views on my beauty? My views on my ugly? Do I even care? Did I neglect to care about my body because it was associated with femininity? Probably. I wonder to this organ, the first line of defense, What will put you at ease So you can be less itchy And I can be less scratchy? I hear a sigh and silence. Nothing. So I just try to go to sleep. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "can we speak in flowers. it will be easier for me to understand." Nayyirah Waheed, Salt -- Response: The flower language Does not grow from these pursed lips. Teach me to bloom, please. https://www.instagram.com/p/BrE_aV1BN-0wj-GxCBjGoHBsPd-2kbk5C-GO-U0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1lvci2xh0hyyl

I let this clock be an hour early to scare me into going to sleep sooner. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I’ve got poems in my head Poems in my head that’r stuck Cause I haven’t let them out yet. Even though I wanna go to bed I’ve got these poems in my head That’r ringing in my mind Pulsing through my blood Asking to be released From the fathoms of my being. I’ve got poems in my head Which is why I’m up Past my bedtime, writing bout how I’ve got poems in my head Being born into the darkness of night Looking for the light of my Google Drive Where the poems in my head Find their home, grow And sometimes, get reborn Through the power of time and edits. I’ve got poems in my head And I wonder where they’ll go next. An Instagram A Facebook A Tumblr A Postcard Hearts Perhaps to nowhere and no one Maybe to somewhere and someone. I’ve got poems in my head And it doesn’t matter where they go next Cause they’ll always be a part of me. https://www.instagram.com/p/Bq9XwuHhMk-svvWRCNosTLBBJ4_wNqxlS6rlss0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=q3ccxdnna3z8

[Image Description: Buildings of downtown LA in the background framed by trees and worn dirt paths in the foreground with a cloudy sky]. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I got caught in the storm today whilst on a small exploratory hike. Winter is my favorite time of year to hike, especially right after a rain when I can muddle through puddles of mud, muddles. I have often taken a book of poems with me to read as I walked. Today, I'm glad I didn't or that book would have been wrecked. But I'm still glad I went because [making sure I didn't die ridiculously by getting struck by lightning on a hill or something else] really helped drive the sadness away. Or put it to ease for a moment. I'll be fine, more than fine, I will be happy, bitterly. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- June. Family death. I'll be okay I think. August. Heartbreak. It's going to be awhile till I'm fine again. So I keep busy and try not to think. September. Family death. Who the fuck am I kidding? I'm not okay. My panic attack is proof of this. Out of fucks to give, I give up on whatever this is. November is both past and now and future. I worked on mending and Hawaii happened. I feel relatively free from all this death and tragedy. The year is over I think. But November is not even over yet. Today I learned of another thing to deal with emotionally. A dog. A good, sweet, beautiful dog. Kidney failure. She is being put down in December. The month is not over yet. The year is not over yet. Doggamnit Will it please just fucking end. https://www.instagram.com/p/Bqy2iEVBfJSuf0IsoN4vF0fyeVbSF6FWxLC4yo0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=gbajctfko7lw

[Image Description: Face with pink glasses in too bright sunlight making her face white wearing a maroon shirt that says "poet".] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Finished all of Winnie the Pooh and the Tao of Poo yesterday. Tried to write something about hair yesterday but it was no go. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was told by Winnie the Pooh, “Poetry and Hums aren’t things which you get, They’re things which get you. And all you can do is to go where they can find you” Which I don’t think is entirely true But I shall follow Pooh Bear’s model and advice When he waited for the rhymes, And after a long wait, he said “Well, I shall begin ‘Here lies a tree’...and then I’ll see what happens” So I too began By wearing my “Poet” shirt To see what could happen. Even though I didn’t feel like a poet Cause lately the poems I start Fizzle out and become stagnant. But I wore my Poet shirt today anyway to say loudly, HEY POETRY!!! COME AND FIND ME! And as Pooh said, “So there it is. It’s come different from what I thought it would, but it’s come.” I didn't catch poetry But the poetry caught me Just like feelings can When one begins Just to see what happens. Now all I need is some honey lovin. https://www.instagram.com/p/BqqeFSGhpXD2Yqyk17TOIympTmA3jfww0Yc0SY0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1u1jia9x1ho61

[Image Description: Eyes peer out from a forehead with a red pimple near the center] Why yes, that is a bright ass pimple on my forehead probably from eating too much chocolate. Hehehe. [Content Note: Sad feelings and heartache.] I eat my feelings Let them settle into the yumminess of chocolate the cheesy oily goo of pepperoni pizza the spiciness of instant shin ramyun I travel my feelings Let them fly to friends in Hawaii to a gathering and family in Philly to new adventures with friends in Denver. After all we’ve been through, I want to get away from you Which translates to I want to get away from myself. “your soul stained my shoulders. my whole life smells like you. this will take time. undoing you from my blood.” - the work (Nayyirah Waheed) I feel my feelings Let them choke me up. And cry. https://www.instagram.com/p/BqO_bMUBT5GBqaXh-nD2AOkQRT_btQIPE4AHs80/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=pn00up905nyt

[Image description: light from a candle shines through a mosaic of different colored glass] [Content Note: Been thinking of youth activism and climate change and wondering whether I should be doing something different to address these pressing needs cause what Im doing right now doesn't feel like the answer] The battle lines have been drawn 12 years time is the death line. The battle lines have been drawn long before my time they surround me trap me entangling me to the heinous destruction of this land I call home. Settlers, we reap what has been sown. The battles lines have been drawn long before my time they envelop me embrace me connecting me with the roots of my ancestors in the motherland Guangdong. Farmers, we nurture and grow. The battle lines have been drawn criss-crossing the land marking before I was even born where I stand. I stand balanced on intersections precarious. i am Privileged and Oppressed. i am of Water and of the Earth. i am Ready to draw my battle lines. The time is now. I take a side That values life honors this universe from the dirt of the Earth to the stars in the sky That values love honors relationships between the dirt of the Earth and the stars in the sky That values liberation honors our links to one another from the dirt of this Earth to the stars in the sky Stardust. Ashes to ashes Dust to dust Stars to stars Where does one cast the light of their shine? I take a side. I will draw lines wherever I am In all places where my body takes space Where my voice makes the air vibrate Where my power energizes others. Where specifically do I take these energies? Do I stay in the same place Doing as I’ve always done Mini revolutions here at home. Do I go somewhere else Doing things drastically different Mini revolutions there in a trench. The battle lines have been drawn and I must hold the line Even when I have not made up my mind and have no clear answer to my own questions Even when I make mistakes and flirt with the lines everyday. The battle lines have been drawn lines are meant to be crossed if one is to make a strike against the enemy. The battle lines are drawn. Where am I? https://www.instagram.com/p/BqMaXY6B5ZiAxiplOSkVMfqDctWjRl6p3lIQ0E0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=uq8fohbc6xd3

Shadows + Feelings = I woke up sad, felt done with this life, Wanted to stay in bed, dead inside, But with enough energy to think and question - why? Why do I feel this way? It came back to me: I had a dream so sickeningly sweet, That when I woke up to a different reality A small part of me died. This dream lives in a past that no longer exists; It came back from the shadows To cast a curse of hope For getting back together again A possibility long pronounced dead. This hope haunts my presence, Causes me pain in my waking moments, Reminds me that I loved him, Driving me to the delusion that he loves me back, When he has shown me none of that. Which is why that dream needs to die. I remind myself, He's not coming back. Despite my command to myself, The shadows of my past chase me Catch up, slip past my subconscious Confront me with reckless abandon Without the understanding That to face me in my conscious reality Is to destroy my ability to be in the present When that's all I want! I just want to be in the here and now And move the fuck on! I'm not trying to run from my past But can’t it just stay in the past And stop intruding on my present? Technically, if the shadow is in front All you have to do to let the shadows fall behind you Is to turn around and face the sun. I just don’t know where that is in these moments. Where is my sunshine? So as tears roll down, I send a cry up to the sky, pleas Please let my past rest in peace. Please let me be present in my own life. Please let my future be full of a different kind of hope. https://www.instagram.com/p/BqI3iViBkV0_675bCOblgWceaWG_MrDJuVMSQA0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=53c468rkk6lj

[Image description: Handwritten red text that says "This is the wrapper of my pantiliner." on the middle of a light blue pantiliner wrapper.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I wrote a thing too long for this but here's how it begins and here is a link: tinyurl.com/periodpains -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My Period Pains Come on slowly and then exponentially elevate I begin to feel tired; it starts with my legs My legs are what move the rest of me So they steadfastly try to carry on with my day But I am forced to slow down and wait for these period pains to pass. In that I pass out. My body shuts down. My uterus begins to beat And I find myself in fetal positions On chairs, on toilets, on floors, If I’m lucky, I’ll be home, so I can make it to my bed. My stomach begins to churn And I find myself in fetal positions In front of a sink, in front of a toilet If I’m lucky, I will have not eaten before this, so I can throw up clear liquids and it’s cleaner. I also feel the cold of a fever. When I have not been lucky, I have taken two chairs together and made that a place to rest I have stumbled into a park found the warmth of the sun and laid down I have thrown up chunks of breakfast lunch and dinner. Generally, I am lucky, This does not happen all the time When it does, it’s only on the first day for 6 hours at most So far in my life, my employers have allowed me to go home, sick And when I cannot physically get home by myself, I have had friends and family pick me up I’m lucky I try to tell myself, I’m home today. Even on a hot fire-raging California day, I curl up in my bed with a bunch of blankets, And I forget everything Whimpering and moaning In response to pain that my words fail to describe I shut my eyes Turning inward into myself Until I pass out. I don’t remember when I lose consciousness It just goes black, blank. I wake up about two hours later. My body is stuck for a moment in whatever tension it had been in. Exhausted from being exhausted by pain, I go........ https://www.instagram.com/p/BqBmAIyhW--r_vubQGKy5WZklrj_s5UjYOmp6Y0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=hk48i49x6sf7

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