Google to shut down Gmail, Cites lack of Two Billion Users and Google+
In a move that's sure to shock even the most loyal Google users, the search giant announced early Monday it would shutter Gmail and a host of other apps not meeting performance expectations.
"It really sucks, I know, but we were expecting two billion users and we're not seeing that," said Google CEO Sergey Brin while wearing his trademark Borg-like Google Glass. "But we really think Google+ is where it's at now. So we think users will adjust."
Users across the nation were outraged, tweeting "I can't love without Gmail! It is my productivity life-blood suckle at its information-giving tits like a newborn sow for breakfast lunch and dinner," and "I can't go back to Hotmail or Yahoo! I can't! I won't! Kill me now!"
When confronted with some of the tweets, Brin only responded, "They should be using Google Freaking Plus for that."
The news comes only a few days after the announcement that Google Reader, the RSS app that holds a small but loyal user base, will be shutting down July 1. That move, too, pissed people off something fierce.
We will update this story as more services are announced for shutdown.
Update: YouTube is getting the axe, too. Brin simply said, "Too much Bieber and humans," adjusted his Google Glass, and walked off.
Update 2: New reports provided to The Onion indicate that Sergey Brin may in fact be under the influence of a collective consciousness not dissimilar to the Borg that desires complete control over internet content for the purposes of advertising.
Update 3: Brin has announced, "Please use Google+, please use Google+, please use Google+." Also, his right eye is now fully machine.













