together bound @togetherbound - Tumblr Blog

November 8th

We got a house out on Vashon !!!!! It needs SO much work but it’ll be so beautiful in 5 to 10 years. I can’t wait to live out my lifelong dream of having a companion pig.

Coming up on the birthdays of two of my closest friends of more than 10 years. Looking through old photos I couldn’t help but get super nostalgic<>sentimental for all the moments spent together. As I embark on this new crazy thing I can’t help but feel so goddamn grateful for them and for sticking through a friendship throughout so many rough times. I can’t wait to be middle aged with you both, drunk on white wine and dancing to some wanky oldies cover band ;-)

Come stay at my BNB! https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/8847108

By Kersti Jan

Srey Davi for Cait <3

Can’t help it I luv it

Hey!

I lost my necklace a week ago. A special opal my mom gave me a long time ago. Last night I dreamt of Raphael and he was showing me where to find the necklace. I woke up and looked inside the vacuum cleaner, and there it was hiding in a hair ball. Things are looking up. Writing a book, getting some jobs, doing those exercise thangs, plus you guys all rule! <3

A few days after my 28th birthday this last August I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I think I cried for three days straight. I was alone in Paonia, a tiny town in the middle of nowhere Colorado. I was terrified and excited and shocked. I was in Paonia for the next month doing an artist in residency program that quickly got consumed by sleep and sickness and a overall emotional roller coaster of feelings. I became overwhelmed with this shift in preparing for having a family and putting someone else first for the rest of my existence. I became so excited with who this baby was and what they would be like. Getting carried away with daydreams of the beautiful and hard and seriously dark things that come with bringing a child into this world. I told my family and my closest friends and they became excited too. I became really close with my mom, a relationship that never felt completely solid or close until now. I saw the power that a potential child can have of bridging together families and creating a warmness in interactions that I had never expected or thought about. I had so much pure love for this weird unknown amorphous child of mine.

Yesterday I went to the doctors for my first check up. I woke up hours earlier because I was so excited. The check up came and was light and happy. They saved the best part for last - when you get to hear the baby’s heartbeat for the first time. Only they couldn’t locate it. It took forever and still nothing. No one was telling us anything. We shuffled around all day between ultrasounds and other doctors. We learnt finally that the baby’s heart had stopped weeks ago and that my body is three months pregnant convinced that I am still so and with a healthy and live being.

I have never known such sadness.

Its hard for me to share small things to my closest friends, let alone something huge and personal to the Internet. I tend to feel like a loner in the real and ether world. It’s hard for me to justify sharing when the world is filled with every confession and hardship and joy out there, including this one. But fuck man, miscarriage is so real and so goddamn hard, even when you’re “young” and healthy and everyone tells you you’re safe and fine.

Tomorrow the unknown baby will be forced gone from me and I am devastated that it never got the chance to see the world and get an opportunity to live and be anything. I am sad I never got to meet them and see what they liked. I am sad they never got to surf with their dad or make weird craft projects with me. I feel for all the women and partners and families that go through this and hold the deep pain of having to rearrange and cross out all their strange funny daydreams about the future knowing that every day now is just about getting through this and never over it. And now we’re just starting to navigate through this new and delicate surreal world.

Goodbye sweet lost baby.

Campin’ in Canyonlands! Heading to Brice and Zion in a few weeks.

Some new parts from the new story

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