the desire to be gone

16! non-ed dni!! block don't report this is my only outlet ):

[toxicitrees]

there's a big difference between "you're not fat" and "omg you're so skinny"

[toxicitrees]

went to drink a nutrition shake thing and didn't look before drinking. LOOK WHAT I FUCKING DRANK INSTEAD LMFAOOOO I HATE MYSELF

THEY WERE RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER. imagine my absolute DISGUST when i take a big fat swig of EXPIRED chicken broth.

[toxicitrees]

a day where you genuinely forget to eat is a good day

[toxicitrees]

it's a good day to cry over my reflection, i think!

[thed3adalive]

“You’re so funny 😆 !”

Thank you! My idea of a good time is scrolling thru pics of underweight girls and comparing myself to them!

[toxicitrees]

whyyy is my appetite suddenly that of a beast what has happened

[toxicitrees]

guys ive been so inactive but i have my reasons... the first time i purged (literally a week ago LMAO) i burst blood vessels in both my eyes and vomited blood. the eyes were so bad i went to the hospital for a CT scan because they didn't know what was happening and since i couldn't tell them that i just threw up too aggressively, they thought I had a brain bleed.

did that stop me from continuing to purge?

...that's between me and the toilet 🤞

[toxicitrees]

drank saturated salt water in an attempt to purge (i don't have a gag reflex like at all) but nothing has happened, it's been 45 minutes. am i going to die of sodium poisoning? HOPEFULLYYYY

[toxicitrees]

NEVERMIND APPARENTLY I *DO* HAVE A GAG REFLEX IF I TRY HARD ENOUGH. this is a dangerous realization...

[toxicitrees]

drank saturated salt water in an attempt to purge (i don't have a gag reflex like at all) but nothing has happened, it's been 45 minutes. am i going to die of sodium poisoning? HOPEFULLYYYY

[toxicitrees]

i swear i must have gained like 10 pounds in the last week. i need to lock in. fuck exam break u made me fat!!! (let's be real i'm making myself fat)

[toxicitrees]

get yourself a cat to sit on your lap so you can't get up and get food

[de4d-sunfl0wer]

i find myself cycling back and forth from

"i guess i'm glad my attempt didn't work"

and

"i really wish my attempt had worked "

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[toxicitrees]

this being on my diet coke, the only thing i got from subway, is hilarious. thanks for the motivation <3

[lowcaltrashkitty]

but you don’t look like you have an 3d?

yeah that’s the fucking problem

[toxicitrees]

yeah i do struggle with an eating disorder. i'm quite bad at it actually.

[annnapolis]

the hungry, hard working student

[de4d-sunfl0wer]

what i wish the people keeping me here understood is that, if i'm not allowed to d!e, i need to be allowed to cope with living.

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simply keeping me alive and medicating me doesn't heal me; it doesn't erase my issues or my pain or my past. i'm still hurting and still scarred.

and if i'm no longer allowed to let myself rest, i need ways to handle that pain so that i can keep moving forward.

i can't control that my person abandoned me. i can't control that my brain works like this. i can't control that i'm hurting so much mentally and physically.

but the sharp pangs of starvation? the biting kiss of a blade? those are hurts i can control, that keep me grounded amidst the maelstrom of my suffering.

nothing can hurt me if i hurt myself worse.

right?

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