collecting more “lore” for my character development arc than i asked for

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@traushhhh
collecting more “lore” for my character development arc than i asked for
some nights I stay up
wanting to go home
and then I realize
that the home I knew was lost
sometimes I feel like the dark place has become home and that scares me
stared into the eyes of death,
and I knew I wasn't ready.
even filled with regret, I didn’t have the courage
To neither live nor die
and i wish i could erase all these memories that are poisoning my mind
i think I’ve forgotten how to breathe
what if I’m broken and there’s no cure?
they say they care,
but they’ll never understand what it feels like to actually be insane
will they still accept me the same?
how do I quieten the voices in my head
sometimes i get lost in my memories, and feel that i've become a stranger to myself
like a plot of a book forgotten in the dusty corner of a shelf
i know the characters, the moments summarized, but the words are missing and i'm left to read between the lines
i don't know if that's for the better or worse
I feel as though I am slipping from myself
I feel like a black hole.
I’ve spent so long collapsing within my self, that pain has become my longest friend.
And even if I want to let go, I don’t know how to.
I don’t know who I would be without it.
I’ll always miss you. rest in peace.
I feel like I’m at war with my own body
sometimes I just want to scream.
because I can’t seem to put my thoughts into words
and I’m not sure if anybody would be willing to hear them
I just want it to all end.
Is it wrong of me to hope someone out there would be willing to stay, to listen and accept the raw unfiltered version of myself - faults and all
And still be able to love me, unconditionally?