Matt Ufford

[ufford]

Let us also hate the smaller details of the Pepsi ad

Everything about the new Pepsi ad is repugnant and insulting, okay? The two supporting characters to Kendall Jenner’s lead role are (A) a hipster cellist who beckons her to join a “protest” and (B) a hijab-wearing photographer whose moment of triumph is capturing a celebutante model hand a cop a can of soda. The cumulative effort is the single most repellent video I’ve seen since I watched an actual beheading.

But! Let’s not get bogged down in think-piece territory. There are lots of LITTLE things to hate about the video, too. And we should appreciate every terrible detail.

“Join the conversation” is a blank-box social media prompt. It is not something you would put on a sign for a public demonstration, even if that public demonstration were for something as nebulous and inoffensive as LOVE or PEACE. 

“Hey, you coming to the peace rally?”

“Yup, got my Join the conversation sign and some cans of soda.”

“Perfect, that is everything you need for a protest in free democracy.”

WHO MADE THESE SIGNS?

It started as a circle with a line through it, but there doesn’t appear to be anything inside the circle, because the people who made this commercial couldn’t take the chance of being actually AGAINST anything, even if they were going to slap a heart over it to show that love conquers all. 

“NO HATE? Whoa, slow down! We’re pro-love, but we’re not anti-anything. Nazis can love, you know. And they deserve the fresh taste of Pepsi as much as the woke millennials whose business we so desperately crave.”

WTF? “JoTin The conversation”? Hey, the milquetoast invitation for discourse wasn’t half-assed enough, let’s shittify it an extra 15% with a nonsensical design flourish.

“Hey man, made that LOVE sign you wanted.”

“Looks like the lettering was too small the first time so you painted over it and gave it another go.”

“Correct.”

“And the second time was also not large enough to fill the sign.”

“Listen, I didn’t have all day.”

Bullshit fucking fake-ass spacious protest. “We’re marching for peace ... and elbow room!”

AD EXEC 1: Y’know, not ALL young people like protesting. Can some of them just be, like, eating pizza?

AD EXEC 2: Should they get up and join the protesters? It doesn’t really fit with Kendall’s narrative.

AD EXEC 1: Fuck no, they’ve got pizza. 

Kendall Jenner’s mind is blown as she sees middle-class people for the first time! 

KENDALL: Ew, what’s that smell?

PA: I believe that’s a mix of debt and diplomas.

KENDALL: What and what?

OH SNAP. Kendall has shed the artifice of wig and lipstick to join the FIGHT to, uh, join a discussion about love? I feel so empowered! And thirsty!

Welcome to the protest! Everyone’s marching with plenty of space on a pleasant day in Los Angeles, but we have a hydration station that may or may not dehydrate you (the science is still kinda iffy, don’t look it up).

What’ll it be? We have Pepsi, Silver Pepsi, Pepsi Blakk, and Pepsi in bottles. Just some ice chips? Okay, but they’re not water. 100% Crystal Pepsi.

Step back from this article for a second, dear reader. Place aside your immediate thoughts of the protester-police unity achieved by Kendall Jenner giving a handsome cop a Pepsi (even though there wasn’t tension between the crowd and the cops before this, because that would have taken some sort of narrative risk). Table, if just for a moment, the emotional and political flashpoints of Black Lives Matter, Blue Lives Matter, the Women’s March on Washington, conspiracy theories about paid protesters, and the increasingly fraught existence of basically everyone in America except for a small percentage of exceedingly wealthy people.

Consider, instead, the marketing team behind this. This was born in a brainstorming session, or perhaps in an executive’s mind as he watched a throng of angry, desperate people stand up for what they believe is right. This is a branding opportunity, someone thought, fanning the flames of a garbage can fire in Rome. 

If I can give Pepsi any credit here, it’s the notion that a pretty white girl born into money and fame is the best person to bridge the gap between protesters and police. We could have really used her in Ferguson. 

I’m sure she was busy.

Yeah, totally. Join the conversation.

[ufford]

True romance.

[ufford]

GET CAUGHT UP ON ALL THE UFFSIDES ACTION!

NFC WEST PREVIEW | AFC WEST PREVIEW | NFC NORTH PREVIEW | AFC NORTH PREVIEW | NFC SOUTH PREVIEW | AFC SOUTH PREVIEW

NOTE: We recorded previews for the NFC East and AFC East, but didn’t have enough man-hours to get them edited before the season. Sorry, all our budget went into set design. So: the NFC East is bad, and the Pats will win the AFC East forever. Hope that helps!

[ufford]

It’s not about what you feel.

[ufford]

Chum for the self-aware

Several sections of the New York Times exist only to report on quirks of white culture. The intended audience is wealthy people on the Upper East Side who want to know about the lively and pointless lifestyles of the artistic class (“How droll!”) or how hard it is out there for the 1% (”I only own THREE seasonal homes!”) without leaving their Uptown bubble. 

I am not the intended audience. I know this. I KNOW THIS. 

But. 

The article on Michael Arenella, the wedding musician/1920s cosplayer who founded the Jazz Age Lawn Party on Governor’s Island, feels like the result of an algorithm designed to trigger in me a pulse of disdain so electric that it melts the marrow of my bones. Look upon these words. LOOK AT THEM. Take my hand and walk through hell with me.

[T]his was no “Great Gatsby” theme party. Mr. Arenella, in fact, takes issue with the book. “It painted a picture of frivolity, reckless abandon,” he said. “The era was more than that. The lucky few were able to live in a world of comfort, but most were hard-working people giving birth to the modern era, creating things with their hands and minds. Flippancy doesn’t resonate with me.”

“ACTUALLY, The Great Gatsby DIDN’T capture the zeitgeist of the Jazz Age. I, a man living a century later than Fitzgerald (a flippant hack), am the TRUE expert on the 1920s.”

Mr. Arenella, 38, said he was drawn to the “rebellion and exploration and freedom” of the era. “I am dedicated to the culture of the ’20s,” he said while sipping an elderflower liqueur and prosecco cocktail. “I was hungry for an opportunity to perform music in a setting that wasn’t shticky or schmaltzy, just outdoors on a sunny afternoon unfettered by technology.”

Laugh at his drink if you must, but a party with well-made cocktails and music played at a reasonable level is all right by me. The party is fine. Do your thing, Jazz Age cosplayers. Just, please: don’t speak to the Times.

His manners, like his clothes, are reminiscent of another era. At 6 feet 1½ inches tall, he is built like a strongman with broad shoulders, and most of his vintage-look clothing, including the white cotton suit he was wearing, must be custom-made.

NOT six-foot-one! Six-foot-one AND A HALF! The extra half-inch cements his strongman build. 

Oh and here’s his white cotton suit:

Urkel-ass pants

His head is partly shaved, and a wave of curls cover part of his forehead; he has a mustache just slightly thicker than the one John Waters pencils on.

Ah, one of those hypermasculine old-timey body builders who look like John Waters. Got it.

He and his costume designer girlfriend, 

I think I found the source of his custom-made clothes.

Analucia McGorty, 34, split their time between a cabin in Pennsylvania and an apartment in Red Hook, Brooklyn, where they do have air-conditioning. “We watch old movies on my computer, we have internet and email,” Ms. McGorty said. “We still have to live. We don’t eat period foods. I feel like that would be just aspic.”

"I am dedicated to the culture of the ‘20s. The clothes, the music -- everything except the food, the literature, the oppressively hot living conditions, and the complete lack of modern technology. Otherwise, TOTAL ‘20s-head. Definitely the real deal.”

The two met through his music. “She saw me for who I was, not an act but a real person,” he said. 

"I’ve built my life around looking like an actor in a period piece, so of course it wasn’t easy to find another poseur equally full of bullshit.”

Has that been a problem in the past? “I guess I fit the mold for leading-man fantasies.”

Which leading man? When did Errol Flynn play Lenny in Of Mice and Men?

For Mr. Arenella, music is a full-time job. His band plays 60 weddings a year, and so much of his time is spent transcribing 78 r.p.m. recordings by hand and practicing. When he relaxes, he does not put on sweatpants, nor does he even own a pair.

I don’t own sweatpants. Where’s my Styles profile?

“At home I’m generally naked,” he said. (He also doesn’t wear underwear.)

Have fun cleaning that white cotton suit, breh.

After playing, he enjoyed a bare-chested ferry ride back to Brooklyn

A shirtless boat ride! Just what Teddy Roosevelt would recommend. Breathing deep of the sea air is good for the constitution and wards off tuberculosis. 

“I’ve been starting to dress like this all the time,” said Steven Wong, 29, a dancer who performed at the festival. “I don’t have a girlfriend now, 

GASP! NO!

Someone who dresses like he’s in a Baz Luhrmann film DOESN’T have a girlfriend? Fetch my monocle, it fell out when my eyebrows shot up in surprise.

but I would like her to be into the ’20s. All the girls I like are into the ’50s.”

“Well, not exactly the ‘50s. They’re actually into the ‘80s, but that part of the ‘80s that was into the ‘50s, you know? Baby Boomer nostalgia stuff like Back to the Future and Huey Louis and ‘Old Time Rock and Roll.’ Hello, I’m fucking awful.”

On the other side of the room, Mr. Arenella could be seen writing a text message on another outdated device: his flip phone.

"The aughts were the 1920s of the 21st century.”

[ufford]

ICYMI THIS WEEK

Uffsides: NFC West Preview - I think the Cardinals and Seahawks are the two best teams in football. Jeff Fisher couldn’t inspire me to take a dump. And the 49ers ... well, they no longer have Jim Tomsula.

Uffsides: AFC West Preview - Um, I think I picked the Raiders to win the division? It wasn’t intentional, I swear.

The Inactives: 2016 Fantasy Football Preview - Nick Stevens and I give positional breakdowns, talk about draft strategy, and highlight the guys we’ll be targeting in our drafts. (also on iTunes)

OffSCenter with Reese Waters - Reese is a cool and funny dude who had me on his podcast to talk about the Olympics (including Ryan Lochte, Hope Solo, and Brazilian infrastructure) as well as Mortal Kombat on the Sega Genesis.

[stuckinpurgatory001]

Visit Original Link

[ufford]

This is horrifying. I hate it so much I love it.

[ufford]

A belated eulogy for a steadying presence

Glen Ufford dealt cards slowly. This drove me quietly crazy when I was young and played cribbage with him. I always dealt quickly because I wanted to see my cards as soon as possible. I thought speed was a virtue.

But if I fidgeted or looked impatient when he dealt, Grandpa never noticed, or at least never acknowledged it. He would unhurriedly lick his thumb before drawing every card, often gripping it two or three times to ensure he wouldn't deal two cards at once. A misdeal, after all, would be a waste of time. If you didn't score your hand correctly, he'd take the points you missed. There was no apology or malice, just the fact of the matter: you had rushed your counting, and he hadn't.

He spoke like that, too. He never oversold a story or exaggerated details. Anecdotes began with, "Oh, you know..." when I usually didn't know, and details were dropped in favor of "...and whatnot." I never knew what "whatnot" was, either. But that was Grandpa: he spoke in a direct path to the end of the message. There were no tangents or detours, and extraneous information was flotsam to ignore. As he criss-crossed the country, I suspect he drove that way, too: reading every road sign, ignoring every billboard. When someone dies, he lives on by what he gave to others. This can be biological, in the traits we pass to our children (thanks for the lousy cholesterol,Grandpa). It can be physical: a photo of family, a handwritten letter, a beloved book inscribed by the owner. And it can be experiential, an act we learned from the deceased, like tying our shoes or playing cribbage, two things I learned from Glen Ufford. And now that he's gone, I've picked up another habit: I deal cards slowly, licking my thumb if I need to, taking the time to make sure I get it right.

[ufford]

OH GOSH WHAT A BUMMER FOR OKLAHOMA CITY

(from my twitter)

[ufford]

Game of Thrones Scorecard: Battle of the Bastards

[reparrishcomics]

[catsbeaversandducks]

Via PsBattle: Awkward half-cat pose

[nevver]

Life after people, Chernobyl

[ufford]

“Game of Thrones” scorecard: Season 6, Episode 01, “The Red Woman”

[ufford]

Please give this interactive Game of Thrones Season 6 preview a look. I spent a very long time writing updates by region and family.

[ufford]

UFFDATE, April 4-8

ABOVE: if the Masters happened in your office.

FUTURE CONSIDERATION: Breaking down the Draft’s best quarterbacks with Josh Norris of Rotoworld.

NUFF SAID: attempting a fair and honest look at Kobe’s legacy

INACTIVES: What’s the best sports weekend of the year? (Subscribe on iTunes)

MATT ON TV! On CNBC, I talked about the NFL streaming TNF on Twitter.

[ufford]

UFFDATE: March 20-25

FUTURE CONSIDERATION: What the best GMs do better than anyone else in the NFL. I really enjoyed having this talk with Dan, wish we could have had a longer discussion.

NUFF SAID: Stop giving athletes insufferable farewell tours. I get sidetracked from a perfectly good argument by talking shit about Derek Jeter.

THE INACTIVES, EP. 58: Nick and I talk about the NFL’s new rules, what Hard Knocks will be like with the Rams, and much more. As always, we’d love for you to subscribe and rate us on iTunes.

ICYMI: A short video essay on Dunk City in 2013, my favorite Cinderella ever.