Umbrella Corporation Updates

Messaging from Umbrella Corporation's PR and HR departments. Our business is life itself! { parody account }

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New employees are expected to report to I.T. on Level 4 to receive their blue, red and yellow keycards.

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Are you the sort of person who looks at a beautiful flower or an endangered species of leech and thinks "That would make a great laxative!" then we want to hear from you!

Contact our recruitment team today.

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Remember: if it's not standing in the doorway for 3-10 seconds to stare at the target, it's not a genuine Umbrella Corp. BOW. Don't trust lesser products.

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In light of recent corporate espionage uncovering our secret lab under a converted police station, we will be relocating G services to the lab under the lab under the mall under the hospital under the bigger hospital.

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LAB STAFF MEMO: 8:24am 24/8

via o.spencer

[ Our drug 'raccoonefin' will be pulled from shelves and rebranded after market testing. ]

ADD. NOTES: who the fuck named this?? i want their id card on my desk by 12, we're a pharmaceutical company not a fucking clown show

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A bottle of pills labelled 'DIET' (Deactivate Infectious Enzymes, T-Virus) has been removed from the 2nd floor laboratory. DO NOT CONSUME. If you have already taken one or more of the pills, please relocate to Morgue B.

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yeah it's a great job so far, but there are more spiders than i expected for a pharmaceutical company

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In official Umbrella documents, remember to differentiate between Raccoon City (the unfortunate site of a dangerous outbreak which led to the city's destruction) from Raccoon City (the secret settlement of mutated raccoons situated along Highway 12, action pending).

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c.redyard (4.45pm): i hear Wesker came with a moustache last week and shaved it because people kept calling him "Albert Whiskers" c.redyard (4.46pm): one sec, I'm getting a call c.redyard (4.58pm): howdo you delete a cchat ???!+

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Today's team meeting has been moved to the L17 conference room as the L16 rooms are full of meat.

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We regret to inform you that your application to join Umbrella's Raccoon City HQ security team has been denied. As per the job description, we require proof of a completed degree for consideration.

A 'Masters of Unlocking' is not a recognised qualification.

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You noted on the expense report that the fully-furnished, fully-staffed mansion you had built and stocked with rare artworks and wine was "better than any security door"

Yes.

And was this before or after an entire team of local police officers stormed the lab?

Uh... before.

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Corporate has requested we remove the mouths from our new batch of BOWs. Apparently it upsets clients when they repeat things like "kill" or "STARS" or "please, I'm trapped in this shell, unable to stop the violence committed by my sick, mutated body, nor am I able to look away."

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a.wong (9.26am, Today): technically it's not signing a contract "in blood," you're just signing it WHILE bleeding

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Due to increased cases of employees crying, screaming, or tearing at their skin during meetings, a counsellor has been engaged by Umbrella to be stationed in the break room on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

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Be kind to your coworkers. It's vir-us, not vir-me!

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Funding has been pulled for Project Acid Nightmare and unfortunately we can no longer allocate budget resources to the magnetic locks on the holding cells.