Past Present and Future.
Once again I find myself thinking about everything in life that is either meaningless or important. It sucks because thinking about choices in the past and almost reliving them for quick seconds just fills me with disgust at how i used to be whether people know about that or not.
Friends i had in the past that arent friends now. Certain relationships that were out of desperation or the ones i desperately tried to cling to for all the wrong idiotic reasons and ways. Certain lifestyle choices i thrust upon myself to please only a mere few. I was no where close to the real me. I found the real me.
The past is always a haunting prospect for many, some of it overly dramaticized in our memory or maybe even just spot on. The one thing to take from it is the proof that some people CAN change, i was a cynical angry teenage boy that had no answers to the questions he wanted, including why i was so skinny or why it seemed that i was always good enough to be a close friend but never more, what more did i need for appeal? that being said, i suppose i was just merely trying to appeal to the wrong people. Because i found some that took me as i was despite so many others turning me away because of a list of reasons. And yet, because i was so hateful of being alone at the time I let myself go, and get molded and shaped like a damned art exhibit (thank you Shape of Things for bringing this analogy to me).
That brings us to the present. I love the present, and hate it at the same time. My wife loves me unconditionally and i managed to get into a university that mere years earlier I was talked out of and lost confidence in being able to make it to. And even if I struggle a little with cost of living down here, I got my first job, nailed the interview and impressed my new employers before even making it in to my first day of work. I have an income now, I am learning so many new things about myself and getting new experiences because i let myself move on. Despite everything in the past, i grew past it. I no longer look at the world through the lens of an angry cynic, I look with optimism and strength, and his newfound love for myself i used to think was impossible. I made it past my teenage years that were fueled with puberty induced emotions, i made it through a couple toxic relationships and a select few i still hold dear as close friends. I no longer look at what went wrong in past relationships unless its for a learning experience or a comparison to a relationship a friend may have now. I don’t regret as much as i used to, though i have a few deep regrets that can’t leave me even though those choices inevitably lead me to the life have now. The only thing about the present i hate is the medical problems Bri deals with every day while she goes through treatment, I want so badly to be able to take that from her or speed up time so its over already. It looks like it will be perfectly cured once all is said and done but 3 months seems so far away. I hate that accidents happen and we lose those close and dear to us. Its impossible to find a positive outcome of that situation. I feel sad for the fact that a couple people i used to have immense respect for, now lie beneath the level of deserved respect at the moment. That they seem to have lost themselves and I hope for their sake and those around them that they will figure it out and end the pain being caused to them and potentially to those around them. You aren’t alone no matter how alone you feel, you just need to learn to look at reality and not instantly believe the world is out to get you. Life sucks, but it can get better if YOU are the one who does it, don’t rely on others. Maybe the people i refer to will read this, maybe they’ll think im wrong, which is fine. Just sad.
The present despite its hardships fills me with so much hope for the future. At the end of all the treatment I know Bri will be stronger than ever, and with the changes in our lifestyle we make I firmly believe we will both be healthy for the rest of our lives and be happy that once shes done we can finally focus on starting our marriage for real since the first chunk of our first year as husband and wife was mainly health based with no room to do or go anywhere so much. I know it sucks for her right now but i know that when shes has recovered enough I will take her anywhere we can possibly go that she wants because I know it will help immensely. With what I’m learning in school I see even more possibilities for my career besides what I tought originally. Im excited for our family, for our passions, and for our love. Everything I went through and everything we are going through right now only points to hope and happiness in the future. And as for my friends, especially my swagonauts(groomsmen), Im excited to see what their futures have in store for them because I know they all deserve the best life has to offer. And I’m excited to hopefully be around them for that. My future child has some pretty great aunts and uncles even if its not by blood family only.
Thats my tumblr post for the next couple months. Love you all, take care of yourselves. And learn to love yourself.
