though his own tears streak his face, he can only hastily wipe them away with his sleeves, dragging almost painfully over reddened, sensitive skin. his own eyes feel twice their size, dampened by desperation and terror, too consumed by the idea of loss of life, loss of love. lips find themselves pressed against junho’s a moment after, kissing him gently, as if afraid to further break him apart. never wants to be the reason why the other cries, never wants to be the reason behind heartbreak, and scorching pain. had promised to be his light, the one thing in his life he can always count on. wants this to continue, in this manner. jaesun’s laid his life across junho’s own, already, named himself as the other’s. he can’t go back on that, never. shouldn’t have allowed himself to be so eaten up by dread. though fragmenting himself before the other carries with it no shame, nor ill will, it still leaves a stinging regret that his own words had brought up such wracked sobs, such trepidation that coats gentle, despairing words. gaze slams that down, puts it away in its place, as jaesun looks directly into the other’s eyes, holds his attention more steadily than before. “i love you, junho. you’re mine, and i’m yours. and i’m never letting you go, not without me. wherever you go, i go. if you’re hurt, i’m hurt. if you’re happy, i’m happy. everything, all together. okay?” fingers are constant, but slow in their waltz, to smooth over skin and wipe away tears, to simply feel the touch of being human again, so close to his most beloved. it’s a swell in his heart that pushes him a tad nearer, body shifting to close any remaining distance, head moving slightly to the side until cheek is pressed against cheek, lips murmuring words into the other’s ear. “you’re my love, the only love i’ll ever have. the only person i’ll ever love, like this. i’ll never let you go. not for anything.”
vulnerability in its purest form, is perhaps what junho feels the most at that moment. locked in a cell to which burdens are weighed free from shoulders, where walls can crumble softly around his feet. he can step over the bricks and rid himself of the mask he’s always so fond of wearing. if only to contain himself in a false sense of security. no longer needed in the arms of the other. cast adrift from worry and the aching feelings offered by limbs, that had previously rendered him unable to feel anything else other than the throbbing of pain. stuck in a throes of wishing everything would simply end. to be launched free from the stress of maintaining an image, of wearing a scowl while attended to. to speak words that contrasted so harshly to how he felt. he’d say he was fine. would happily say he could bear the burden of being bed ridden. but it was far from the truth. through thirst and the lacking of release, a hollow shell of himself at the best of times. locked away from what he truly wanted to do. to seek out a fleeting notion of normalcy, in spite of everything. yet, locked in jaesun’s arms, torment escaping so freely. thus revealing true nature undiluted. he felt as though he could finally let everything go. everything he’d kept inside, eating away at layers until there was nothing left. here, just like this, with fingers so tightly gripping onto clothes, breathing in familiar scent, all while his chest felt tight through cascading reverence. all of it felt so safe. so them. pieces of his heart mending themselves slowly, fixed together while pounding almost painfully against fractures and dents.
yet he couldn’t loosen his grip. didn’t want to. didn’t want to let the other go, to see his back turned. to see him walk towards a door, lost in unsureties as to when he’d return. when he’d lessen the weight of loneliness. and perhaps that was the worst part of all of this. knowing that eventually, he’d be stuck to this bed again, lost to his thoughts. background noise would eventually ring in his head, stick it in a vice, and refuse to give him a moment’s rest. he needed to soak this in just a little more. needed to absorb the other, to have his scent cling to his own clothing, if only to offer the illusion that he was still there. if only he’d close his eyes and lose himself to imagination, to a glimmer of hope that so savagely wanted to be stolen away from him. perhaps he hadn’t coped it the worst out of the four affected by the ambush--that didn’t mean he couldn’t feel its effects. couldn’t feel everything, despite the medication and surgeries. hand rose once more, fingers insistent to brush through hair, trap the strands between the slender digits, hold the other closer to his body. he could at least feel something human in moments like these, could lose himself to the idea that everything was okay. everything was going to be okay. they’d be okay. he hadn’t lost anything, hadn’t been robbed of those he held dear. for that, he could release a held breath. could breathe easier, sleep a little peacefully in wake of as much.
the constant reassurances that would pour from the other’s lips aided in their defence. put the war in his mind at rest for the time being. that they’d be together. they’d continue on as they have been, without change, without the possible impending doom of separation and heart ache. he was so sure he wouldn’t be able to contain himself if as much happened. wouldn’t be able to live on in a world, where he didn’t have jaesun beside him. those hands on his face, eyes so bright despite the darkness that wanted so eagerly to shroud them. he’d never seen such broken orbs contain so much life in them before. hadn’t had the honour of losing himself in the gates to ones soul. “i love you back,” whispered in return, almost awestruck in tone, and features matching the utterance perfectly. through mouth agape, and eyes as wide as saucers. he simply couldn’t contain himself. couldn’t sport a schooled expression; not in moments like these. moments so intimate and close, he felt as though he could hardly breathe through the lump wedged in his throat. yet he wouldn’t change it for the world. wanted to hold all of this in the centre of his palm, and treasure it for as long as he possibly could. “i love you so much,” spoken again, words so eager to repeat themselves, as though he, himself, was a broken record. designed only to feed words of pure affection into the open. he’d gladly fulfil such a duty, if only to ease the other’s mind. “we’re okay. we’ll always be okay. just us. i don’t care about anyone else, not right now. not in the grand scheme of things. just us. just you. i’m never going to leave.”
he’d waited, then. waited until the other had finished collecting himself, seemingly to the best of his ability, before cupping jaesun’s face with his own hand. warm palm pressed against warmer cheek. thumb insistent on dusting over trails and tracks of tears, if only to feel for himself. to feel tangible emotion, unbridled and cast out in the open. exiled from eyes only to be brought to light as the very thing that exposes like nothing else. yet he felt so honoured, to be able to glance over beads of moisture, that seemingly glistened under low light. intent to make themselves known. and that kiss. imprinted on lips, causing the skin to tingle, neck craning if only to make that moment last a lifetime. he hadn’t wanted it to end. hadn’t cared to spare a single moment with the other, didn’t want any of it to be taken for granted, wanted it to be committed to memory, entirely. even then, he felt as though he could only nod along with what jaesun was saying. words ready on the tip of his tongue, yet hesitant to take the final leap of faith. to make promises previously unknown to him, to offer reassurances he hadn’t thought to make before meeting the werewolf--before falling so utterly in love with him. to the extent of pain, of wanting more, and more, until his very soul couldn’t contain it much longer. “i’m so in love with you, jaesun. i... i could never think of leaving you behind. could never dream of a lifetime without you,” the younger began, lost in a junction of finding words, of sifting through thoughts that ran much too rampant for his control. “you’re the first person i’ve ever loved. the only person i’ll ever love. there could never be anyone else, i don’t want there to be an offering for that opportunity. i’m yours, completely. everything is yours. only yours,” at that, junho turned his head, to nuzzle against the other, allow his eyes to slip closed, and fully breathe the other in. “i love you so much, baby. so much. there’s nothing i wouldn’t give to spend every waking moment with you. for a lifetime. and i so badly want you to understand that.”