Violets thoughts

(she/they) 30 something. Mostly for myself but if any of this resonates with you let me know cuz that would be dope

[violet-night-0]

No one reads any of my blogs anyways....

Lol wanted to blog when I was a kid.

Hopefully these messages in a bottle will find people who care enough to read one day...

Hope my stories help.

I wish I wasn't so alienating to people. After extreme long term depression, anger, and anxiety, I balance out my madness with a equal amount of ecstacy.

I can get really weird and intense on a dime. Seemingly ok until I get sick and burnout. I tried reaching out to friends but....

I know I'm a special flavor of friend... I can't pretend to be ok all the time. I get tired and fuck up... A lot. Masking to seem normal failed frequently back in the day.

I can only mask in public...

And if I get too close with someone I subconsciously stop masking and they usually after this get tired of me.

Especially since when I was a kid, I turned myself into a spy to avoid religious conversion and turn into an evil conservative pseudo christian piece of shit. Everyone is a threat to a spy (lol to me at least? Was never good at orthodox learning.)

Also...

Don't...

Unless you have to...

Even then learn from my fuck ups. You'll turn into an anxious chaotic mess afterwards win or lose. so weigh the consequences. I thought without a religious component, purging my desires to be trans and bi would be ok. It wasn't.

I really liked the lightning fast intuitive thinking and thinking creatively on the fly. Kept me alive. Unfortunately gave myself super spy conditioning too KGB like. Couldn't risk my traumatized bimbo neurodivergent desperately social ass leaking critical intel if I was compromised. If it fell into the wrong hands it could hurt innocent people.

That "KGB" training I gave myself worked too well. Didn't transition until 28. Literally the first thought I had (when I finally became friends with a trans person) was... "You can do that around here without getting shot on sight?!". I hate Missouri.

I thought I would do more good as a "cis hetero" white "guy" ally. Nope. The community needs me (All of us) from within.

The Peter Parker life style was murder. What I would have given to have trustworthy people like aunt May and Mary Jane. Being a spy is super hard work. Used up tons of energy. Always working while tired. Could never treat my csa trauma on my own very well. Keeping secrets since I was 5. I was naturally talented to a point. A trustworthy queer friendly trauma informed antifa type secret support would have saved me so much pain and therapy and time and money and the list goes on.

Couldn't risk looking up answers openly. Could be seen as suspicious. I'd have to rely on finding intel in the field. Learning so much was fucking lay down and die feeling levels of exhaustion. Looking for someone trustworthy was a nightmare and constantly made morale challenging. Most men (I perceived at the time) are defective stupid pieces of boot licker fake christo shit. Especially in a small Bible belt town. Maga now I'd bet. Things around here got a little better but not enough.

As a csa victim I was on a mission to recruit more men to defend people like me and other victims to the cause. Finding good trustworthy people was critical. Make the world I would feel safer in. Or get out of the state to somewhere safe and away from the Karen Klansman.

Never worked.

I know now why.

But I couldn't understand how I was not finding allies. Statistically there had to be.

Especially someone to debrief to with no black ink, and to aid me in my CSA trauma.

Never found someone else who mentioned something similar to my experiences.

Googled it one year after transitioning into trans femme.

Cocsa

I can't communicate just how fucked it is for a csa victim of 5 to go 23 years without trustworthy treatment. Told a psychiatrist my pain soon after that realization... to a 95 yr old piece of shit who should have retired forever ago but clearly needed a power trip to live....

Fuck all that. What's really eating you? Tell me about your sister 😏

👿 I was }{ that close to shooting lazer beams from my eyes. Or psychic spontaneous human combustion.

Surprised he didn't immediately die when he retired. My found Ma said she hurt her back in her day.

Only met one around my town. last December 2025. I'm 32.

Being a amab csa victim from the age of 5. Being told that the boys were my peers. And I should be more like them. You can't do anything feminine (fun) or gay or you're not a man. Fuck you I'd rather mow em down with a machine gun and drink their blood (what I would have said at the time)

nowadays not my thing, I don't have to do a thing, they'll destroy themselves without my help. The curse of mediocre white boyhood is a noose snake, it'll squeeze the life outta ya then consume you whole unless you try to escape. Took me 3 decades. Wonder why I struggled so much finding people 🙄

And all the women who regularly face csa I wished I could have told them I understand their fears and want to help. Trauma bond more like. That glint of fear in their eyes. They see me as a potential abuser. I can't blame them. I did too when I looked at the mirror.

A former counter terrorist marine officer used to be my therapist. got close. Called it the glitch. No longer taking my calls 🤣😭😂

I've had like 6.

Its not cute.

Its not funny.

Its not cool .

Makes finding a therapist challenging when it feels like I am and am not an rare and exceptional case.

Last therapist got the bpd part down. but failed utterly every other way. Didn't want anything to do with me after three sessions.

Bitch could only treat mild anxiety and depression.

Said she'd been a therapist for 35 years and specialized in religious trauma and the queer community.

Never heard of cocsa. Ok fine.

Didn't believe in CPTSD, cuz not in DSM-5. Homosexuality used to be in there you miserable cunt. But ok.

Never heard of Magnus Hershfield and the Institute of Sexology in Berlin before fitler and his baby boy boot lickers burned it. Cutting edge queer and sex science at the time. Hersh was Jewish and gay so Bifler destroyed his work.

And never heard of christofacism. Fuck you.

Straight to Hell. Refered me out of office and still owes me BPD paperwork.

Help me please 🥺😭💜

Jk.

I'm so much better and happier but still need so much help and accommodating.

I might have literal ass nerve damage from it all. Need to confirm or deny later.

Gabapentin does help with diabetic neuropathy. Not that I got diabetes.

Turned into a pot head real quick to ease old pains. Led me to my current wife of 13 years but like. Damn. Still trying to stop smoking weed.

[unhelpfultarot]

Knight of Cups and Death

The romanticized idea of dramatic change is often a lot more appealing than the reality of it.

[violet-night-0]

This happens to me all the time... The cards read me for filth... I thank them for it and their consistent patient with me 😁

[zerounwantedvibrations]

[violet-night-0]

I hate ai

[violet-night-0]

Tarotblr,

Divination taught me alot and I'm thankful for it.

But damn is it scary even when they're being nice and helpful 🤣😵‍💫😭

I remind myself its my respect for the power I wield. I'm so surprised deities trust me with this shit, especially if you knew me... Before....🤣

I wouldn't have believed this 2 years ago. So much has changed 🥲😵‍💫😵 mostly good but like damn that was relatively fast.

I'm not the only one who is scared of it despite using it? Not in an evil way. Wow powerful way.

[sevenxseveneyes]

i love you female characters who make selfish choices they know will be bad for everyone. i love you female characters who think they're making the right choice but make things worse. i love you female characters who are making the right choice but noone else understands it.

[brigitte-poetry]

This is inspired by a comment that I got on another post, but I wish people - both pagans and the general public - would realize that so much of the horrible stuff that deities do in their myths is usually (not always, but often) explained by considering what those deities allegorically represent.

Zeus is so horny in Greek mythology because he represents the fertile rains and weather which literally impregnates the land and the lives of mortal humans. And the myths about his wrath, like when he strikes Asklepios with lightning, is just because lightning is known to do that sometimes!

Hera punishing Zeus' affairs isn't because she's petty and has too much power, but because she's a goddess of marriage, so of course she's working to uphold fidelity! Most of the time that was probably just to reflect her role as a goddess of marriage in the story and her power as the Queen of the Olympians, so it was a reflection of her domain rather than just a tale of her jealous wrath.

Hades kidnapping Persephone and taking her to the underworld makes complete sense when you view it as death kidnapping spring to the underworld in autumn, after which she returns to the world in springtime and brings new life with her mother, a goddess of nature. That's literally just how seasons work.

Aphrodite is so fickle and unpredictable in myths because that's just what love is like. Love can either be the best thing in your life, or can absolutely ruin you. She's not a vengeful goddess, love is just like that sometimes!

Sutekh/Set is a personification of necessary chaos, so his battles with Horus and Osiris, gods of rulership, makes complete sense. It represents the war between order and chaos that all civilizations contend with.

The Morrigan both curses Cú Chulainn and promises The Dagda victory after he sleeps with her because she's a war goddess, and war can either end your life or grant you victory depending on how you approach it. Cú Chulainn rejected The Morrigan, which could be interpreted as an act of cowardice since she represents war, and so she ends up killing him, like a fearful soldier dying in battle. Meanwhile, The Dagda embraces her by sleeping with her, which represents a brave soldier taking on war, so of course he gets granted victory instead!

Loki's more wicked myths are simply related to his role as a trickster within Norse mythology, and most tricksters across the world have some particularly gruesome myths to their name. Loki is a bit complex because his role in the pantheon is a little less clear than that of other gods, but he was obviously associated with chaos and trickery, like Sutekh, so it's not surprising that he pulls some nastier tricks here and there. Also, I would like to point out that his myths about killing Baldur and betraying the Aesir at Ragnarok actually make total sense when you factor in what Odin and the rest of the Aesir did to his kids. If Odin imprisoned two of his kids and Thor is constantly trying to kill the other one, then him killing Odin's son actually seems pretty understandable.

Paganism is an inherently earth-centric religion, and the gods we worship usually embody certain natural or societal forces, and those forces aren't always nice. So the allegorical nature of our deities is a key part of their identities, just as much as their myths or personalities are, and we need to consider what they represent when we discuss them too.

[ilashanarayehi-deactivated20260]

Y'ALL THIS, PLEASEEEE

*religion is a mirror to the cultural setup of a civilization*

We can agree with that up to a certain points because under many aspects, our ancestors did practiced some things we'd now call immoral, but we also can't completely rewrite the genesis of myths and what they always wanted to represent for both the People and those who developed them all throughout time

[violet-night-0]

I agree with a lot of this, i think another layer to this symbolic and mythological lasagna is that something I've learned is that two things

Yeah deities can be seemily crazy assholes, but so are people? Cuz at the end of the day we are human and not perfect. We are made in their image. Madness plagues mortals and eternals alike.

And how much of it was a reflection of THE PEOPLE telling and perpetuating the myths?

And further still, the real ones know that dionysus spread madness in his wake after cutting poor adgitis' cock off and getting hir (neo pronouns bite me lol) blood on him.

The drinking, fucking, and partying (ecstasy) are making amends for the madness she sowed before.

Idea: we make new stories (very revivalist minded personally) where gods make amends or suffer the consequences of their actions like us. Don't delete the past, but separate stories for those who need em. Religion should serve us as well as the Divines.

And remember, we face a spiritual oppression in addition to a physical one.

We can't recover the lost past, but we can make a new brighter future.

Just throwing it out there.

[enchantedbook]

'Night Hunter' by Vitali Skvorkin.

[theconcealedweapon]

[violet-night-0]

That sounds fucking lovely, only 10 assholes you say? Be a shame if something where to happen to em 😈

[rose-by-the-sea]

Aphrodite loves sex workers and victims of sexual assault and intersex people and people who are insecure about their body/self harm and nonwhite people and queer people and fat people btw. pass it on

[devildarlins-deactivated2026041]

How to Study Resources

Many people in the modern day pagan/polytheist communities are young. As such, a majority of them are neurodivergent, like I am. For me, that means a majority of the language used in resources is difficult to understand. This was originally going to be a post about that, but the more I wrote, the more I realised that many people, neurodivergent or not, just... don't know how to study resources. So, if you are someone that also struggles, I now present to you... my full guide on how to study resources.

Little disclaimer: I myself am a hellenic polytheist, but this guide is for anyone that struggles with understanding information from resources, whether you are a hellenic polytheist, norse polytheist, kemetic polytheist, etc. Though do understand that I am writing from the perspective of a hellenic polytheist, so I am bound to make mistakes when it comes to religions I am less educated on. You are always welcome to adjust anything I say here to fit your own religion accordingly.

Let's get started.

Firstly, you have to find resources. Many people happen to get stuck here, unfortunately.

How do I know what to research to begin with? When starting out, the general consensus among the polytheist/pagan communities is to research the related historical practice. How the deities were worshipped, what contexts they were worshipped in, the history of the deities, etc etc... all of these are very important factors to consider as a beginner. Only by knowing the history can you then delve deeper into specific terms and specific paths that may be right for you!

How do I find resources? Unfortunately, a lot of resources are behind paywalls or just plain hard to find. Here is a list of websites that I personally use and recommend:

scholar.google.com

academia.edu

pdfdrive.com

library.memoryoftheworld.org

libcom.org

libretexts.org

standardebooks.org

By the way, just a reminder that if you find a resource but there is a pesky paywall in your way, you can probably find it on archive.org for free!

How do I choose a resource though? If you are part of hellenic polytheism, then theoi.com is a great resource, but I always like to add primary sources into my research + not everyone reading this will be part of helpol. Try to find primary sources, first and foremost. Then read historical accounts. Then read secondary sources. Also, make sure your author is reliable! (that link is only for hellenic polytheism though, apologies. If you are not part of hellenic polytheism, then looking into who the author is/was as a person and what sort of contributions they made and beliefs they held never failed me personally!)

Found your resource? Made sure the author is reliable? Wonderful! Now what?

This is usually where the procrastination hits for me. Either that, or I get hyperfocused for a while but never complete it and then lose interest.

To avoid that, break things down and establish a routine. You do not have to finish a book in a day, or understand everything you read straight away. Setting those kinds of expectations for yourself will only make things so much more difficult.

Instead, make a routine for yourself. Outlined below is my routine:

Getting into the mindset. I always like to get myself into the mindset of studying by praying, whether this is studying for school or studying a resource. Since my entire life is devoted to lord Apollon, I pray to Him for it. However, if I am researching a specific god, I will typically pray to them instead. However, sometimes I do not have the spoons to write out a prayer, so I typically just adjust my surroundings instead. Turning my LED lights to a warmer colour and putting on some lofi music usually helps me! The studyblr community has great tips for this part! I also recommend I Miss My Cafe.

Reading. First, I try to read without annotating or taking notes. This is the time to take in the information, to try and grasp what I am reading. This is usually the most difficult part for me, because a lot of academic sources tend to use advanced language and sentence structures that are difficult for me to understand. Unfortunately, the only tip I have for this part is to read as slowly as you need. Do not be ashamed for taking your time. Typically, I only like to read one paragraph before I move onto the next step.

Annotation. This is where I re-read the paragraph I just read. Typically, I like to re-word the paragraph in a simpler way for me to understand. Sometimes I notice little patterns that may connect back to something I've read prior, whether in another book or earlier in the same book. When that happens, that is something I add too! Remember, you do not have to annotate. If it makes it easier, then perfect! If it does not, discard it.

Consult study tools. This is where I cross-reference with other resources. This is how the entire process repeats again. Though, you do not just have to use books for this part! YouTube videos, podcasts, online resources, etc etc...these always help too!

Application. After vetting the information, consider how it would apply to your life, if at all.

Of course, that's just my routine. You are always welcome to use it, but I also greatly encourage you to create your own routine so that you can cater it to your learning style!

I also recommend setting a time limit for yourself. If you have not completed a chapter within the time limit, that is okay! The most important thing about researching is making sure you are not guilting yourself into biting off more than you can chew. Take your time, you have a lot of it.

Research is vital to religions like ours, and research should be something everyone can do! Just because you may need some accommodations does not make you any less intelligent. We all learn differently. That is okay.

I hope this post can serve as something helpful for those who struggle in this area, and as a reminder that you are not alone in your struggles. If you have any questions or would like further clarification on some points, feel free to reach out!

Xaire ♡

[enraged-chihuahua]

ur first and last recent emojis are ur gender now. mine is 🅱👨‍❤‍💋‍👨

[medianox-astrum]

[eclipxium]

[manyfandomfanatic]

😭🙏

Oh, joy. How wonderful.

[elsa-fogen]

😭😄

My gender is bipolar disorder it seems

[sharksarewaycoolerthanhumans]

🦈🎃

shark celebrates Halloween.

yeah that checks out

@umbral-paladin @luigipowtumbl @drowninnoodles @jielikesfrogs @strangelycasualhorror @imnotactallycool

[imnotactallycool]

🪤🔫 what???

[drudg30n]

✨🥺

sad sparkle

[algae122]

💮🫥

idek

[bubble-official]

😭🥹 uhhhh

[wales-offical]

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿🐑

ddraig gender…. welsh?

[fynn-cerulean]

🤣😔

“fuck You lmao” “aw”

[dirac-equation]

💜🧨 okay

[voidsartmenagerie]

😭😎 ok then. actually those are my two emotions anyway

[do-not-u-dare]

😭❤️‍🔥

WGAT

[democritus-atomos]

✌️🏃‍♀️

Me getting the fuck out of here

[dontcareenoughforthis]

🖕💀

“Fuck you” *dies*

Yea that checks out

[professional-fool-of-energy]

🫵❤️simpgender

[hellhole-belonging-to-pretzal]

😭🩹

Depression :D

[communism-rainbows]

😭😛

sad little freak gender

[clowndyke-bar]

😭🙌

Crying and reaching out from the depths

Okay…

[dontsteponthe-momeraths]

💥🍇

[violet-night-0]

😊😙

AWWWWWWWWW!!!! ANZKOQnzbajJa

Pleasantly surprised 💜

[depsidase]

[cultkinkcoven]

Let yourself be cringe in your worship!!!

The Gods don’t find you embarrassing. The Gods don’t care about seeming cool and professional for the approval of others.

Make that fucking aesthetic photo collage for Aphrodite with cute pics you found on Pinterest .

Dress up like Hermes and go for a damn walk.

Collect random stones you think are cool and put them on your altar.

Put that photo of that cartoon character that reminds you of your deity on your altar.

Make that Minecraft temple to Hekate, domesticate those damn Minecraft wolves for Cerberus.

Make your deities in the sims!

Write soppy melodramatic poetry for Dionysus that no one else will read.

Make self insert fanfics about your favourite Gods and write them all as your best friends. Let them interact with your edgy ocs.

Create an AU where you and your Gods are all characters from your favourite anime.

Record silly little songs for them

Make them paintings that are full of clashing colors and weird forms.

Draw them a fursona

Wear that bright yellow outfit for Apollon.

Put on a dramatic makeup look for Aphrodite.

Call your closest deity that silly little nickname you have for them and let them call you one too.

Share your special interests with your Gods. Design your God as a pokémon or a crystal gem, or a sonic character.

Those losers that try to make you feel bad for being passionate will never have what you have.

In the words of the Great Lord Hermes: “Every human I have ever liked was at least a little bit cringe”

BE CRINGE. BE PROUD. THE GODS LOVE YOU.

[violet-night-0]

Don't forget they are a bit alien and foriegn but yeah the divines are surprisingly human and chill and super amazingly cool!!!!

My spiritual journey has been cultivating various divine relationships for the many challenges I face and things I want to.

Really helped with managing my madness (along with decent therapy and and psychiatry good gods why is it so hard to get good mental health support), without which I'm not sure where Id be without it.

[stackslip]

every so often i see takes from new fans of rgu who are like "i was liking this anime but idk why it has to have so much incest :/" and i bang my head against the wall

[stackslip]

one of my biggest points of frustration with all the western cartoon makers (or any kind of lesbian western art as a whole) who cite revolutionary girl utena as an inspiration is that every "homage" or inspiration they take from the show seems to be about Cool Lesbians With Swords And Nothing Else. or at best star crossed lover girls. it's like all the darker and more genuinely challenging and unique aspects of it has to be cleanly excised. and like don't get me wrong i absolutely get why a western kids' cartoon is not gonna address any kind of sexual abuse nvm incestuous ones but it's frustrating to see newer fans want to omit these aspects of the show, or downplay its importance to the plot and themes at all as though the entire final arc wasn't about utena's grooming and anthy's suicidality as her sexually abusive brother ropes her further into the duel system and in helping grooming utena, while believing she doesn't deserve saving and resenting utena for how she refuses to understand the dynamic between them or how akio treats either of them for the longest time. like sorry the hand reaching scene at the end isn't simply touching because Yuri Wins or whatever but because even when anthy tries to push away utena one last time by stabbing her, giving in fully to her forced role of Witch and of suffering, utena straight up ignores akio and crawls to anthy to tell her that she's worthy of being loved and being saved no matter what. no matter if anthy thinks of herself or is seen as unclean and broken and monstruous both as a victim of incestuous sexual abuse and as the designated Witch who cannot be a clean woman or loved in normative ways according to the structures and rules of ohtori--anthy IS worthy of that love and of being saved. of existing outside these structures. it feels genuinely kinda sad when people think that discussing these structures at all (incestuous abuse and csa being considered the pillars of patriarchy in rgu, disguised and normalized by ideas of the nuclear family and the princess/witch archetypes) is sick or disturbing and should be left out!

[mlembug]

omg I can't believe there's incest in the "incestuous abuse is bad" anime

[category5girlmoment-deactivated]

rb this post to fully regenerate your magicka

[gor3sigil]

I spent the majority of my life being scared to DEATH about getting older. When I was 10, I listened to a song about growing out of the innocence of childhood and cried for hours. When I was 13, I could have panic attacks and crying fits because I was terrified of not being passionate about music as much if I grew older. I cried when I reached my 20s. And I'm scared shitless about turning 30.

The adults in my life were MISERABLE. I was told almost every day that growing up meant giving up, making sacrifices, having to bury inside everything you ever were as a child and teenager to fit in the mould or you were going to be the scum of society, useless, not worthy of anything.

The adults in my life were traumatized and never did anything to address their traumas. And they openly didn't want to. They were persuading themselves that they were fine or that it wasn't important to heal from the past. But their traumas transpired in everything they did, every decision they made, and the way they treated me.

And look, I'm not old by any means. I'm almost 27. But I spend every day that makes me closer to 30 like a waiting room before my inner death. Like one day I'll wake up and become a zombie and everything I ever loved and was passionnate about will be erased from my mind and heard, only to be replaced by the excruciating burden of responsabilities, chores, work, filling papers and wondering how I ended up living this way.

That's why I left my family. Because I was so sure that they would shove me into the same patterns they were in that I just dropped everything and went away. And the reaction I got in return was "Well, do you think WE'RE happy ? No, but life goes on anyways." I felt my inner child scream in agony. I packed, took a train, never returned.

And thank god I did.

It warms my heart so much when I see peolle here in their 30s still engaging in famdoms, nerdy hobbies, passions like writing, drawing, make music. Know that you're the reason I keep going and am a little less scared of being myself and growing into who I want to become.