Stuff My Friends Say

Actual things I've heard my friends say

[wait-what-did-yousay]

Shauna: you told me not to take medicine. You didn’t want me to get better

Adam: is this when you were chugging Nyquil

Shauna: irrelevant

[wait-what-did-yousay]

Maddie: I’m going to be gone a couple of days, so I made a bowl of advice incase you need anything.

Maddie: *reaches into the bowl*

Maddie: For example, “Guys stop doing that” works for most everything.

Adam: Thats fair.

[wait-what-did-yousay]

Adam: hey you guys want a tarot card reading

Lizzie: These are Pokemon cards?

Adam: you got bidoof, it means fuck you.

[wait-what-did-yousay]

Maddie: Today I learned that one gallon contains about 31,000,000 calories

Lizzie: Human daily caloric requirement is 1500 to 2500 depending on the person

1 gallon of gasoline contains enough calories to satisfy that requirement for 12400 to 20600 days, or about 34 to 56.5 years

therefore, if i chug a gallon of gasoline, i won’t need to eat for the rest of my life

Adam: Strictly speaking you’re absolutely correct

[wait-what-did-yousay]

Adam, turning up his headphones after being confronted with any minor difficulty in his life: It’s just me and you now, Gerard

[wait-what-did-yousay]

Adam: Step 1: Be an awesome dad. Step 2: Be ninja warrior.

[wait-what-did-yousay]

Maddie: I love how we went from don't die to don't hurt your wrist

Adam: I’m just trying to be more realistic

Maddie: Okay. Lizzie, your wrist better not be hurt when we come pick up your dead body

[wait-what-did-yousay]

Maddie: What are the symptoms of teenage depression?

Lizzie: why are you asking me this?

Maddie: Adam was doing laundry earlier and he dropped a sock and I heard him say ‘why has god forsaken me.’

[wait-what-did-yousay]

Maddie: My fruit is just too dummy thicc for my blender

[wait-what-did-yousay]

Maddie: Colonel I was trying to make you a smoothie but my fruit was too dummy thicc and it overheated the blender

[wait-what-did-yousay]

Maddie: My fruit is just too dummy thicc for my blender

[wait-what-did-yousay]

Maddie: If you kill a killer the amount of killers in the world stays the same

Lizzie, eating shredded cheese from the bag: Kill two.

[wait-what-did-yousay]

What state are you in

Lizzie: denial

Maddie: constant anxiety

Adam: Ohio..?

[wait-what-did-yousay]

Lizzie: I don't have any friends

Adam: bold words for someone in hugging distance

[wait-what-did-yousay]

Lizzie: FOUR MONTHS

Maddie: What’s she talking about?

Adam: It’s not that big of a deal.

Lizzie: YOU STOOD BY AND WATCHED ME WATER A FAKE PLANT FOR F O U R MONTHS.

[wait-what-did-yousay]

Adam: I am a finely woven tapestry of negative emotions.

Lizzie: I am a bath towel of sad.

[wait-what-did-yousay]

Kidnapper: We have your son

Maddie: I don’t have a son?

Kidnapper: Then who just asked us for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwich?

Maddie: Dear god, you have Adam

[wait-what-did-yousay]

Lizzie, near tears: Wait... I’m an adult?

Lizzie, to Adam: Did you know about this?!