myheartswrittendowndeathnotes

gutterpunkstarseed

[waitingiswastinggg]

Im in this pain

Once again

Lean on whose a friend

I never wanted to be a burden

A new tomorrow is uncertain

I know better but i feel this

In the pit of the void

Im transparent like a wisp

Why is it im getting toyed with

I strive for my ultimate growth

I made a home cause i never had one

In the slums on the East Coast

Im holding my breath like i never had lungs

Its been a long time since ive wrote

Its been a long time since ive felt numb

[waitingiswastinggg]

Return

Im in hell

Lost in the ocean swell

You cant tell

Im not gonna tell

Im not sticking around

Im not earth bound

Silence is the only sound

Ill make when i drown

Im not sorry, i wont need a healer

I cant take back my words

Im gonna buy a pistol from my old dealer

I cant get no realer

Quick and easy, i want out

Amongst the leaves, ill pull it out

By the trees, ill go down

Ill return to nature now

[waitingiswastinggg]

Parklands

Tonight is the night

Im thinking it

I am the dark in the light

Lost soul, loveless

Ive done too much time in my mind

Was i designed to resign?

Inside im misaligned

I choose to close the book on my life

I have enough to go down the road to buy or rent a pistol

You hearing me, no riddles

When i go, it wont be coincidental

I see the life left in me

but whatever i do is never enough

I invested everything in climbing up

But I couldnt reach the sun

You can see my footprints in the snow

Im passing out in the cold as the wind blows

Deep in despair, i kick the chair

In the parklands, im hanging there

[waitingiswastinggg]

Ethereal

If you look in to my eyes

You'll see how long ive been staring at the ceiling

Since i was 15, i havent been afraid to die

If you take a tab with me, you'll understand how im feeling

Ive lost my mind in these lies

This life has taken all my reasons

I see them doing lines

If i do that, ill do it till i OD on them

Im moments away of cutting all my ties

Becoming something sentimental like a gem

I gave it my all, you cant say i didnt grind

Ive tried everything to stop seeing red

Time to go where theres no time

Somewhere where i dont have to hold my breath

And im not high, inside i just have zero left

Im sleeping at 1am at night

Ive been cultivating love in my chest but the way it is, it just gets bled

I cant figure it out yet

And i dont think i ever will

This suffering will be the end

I want to let it, just let it end

Im gone again, let me descend

[waitingiswastinggg]

Next Life

Im going to start a new life

One where i am loved for who i am

Where im not taken for granted

You wont find my footprints in the sand

Its time to go away

Away from a life that has had me second guessing every single step

Ive been seeing through the haze

Im so tired of all these tests

I hope this is the pain that puts me to rest

Cause what ive handled has broken the handles

Ive done my fight

Hang me on a mantel and shut my eyes

Next life ill feel well

Next life ill feel fine

Next life i wont let my soul be broken

Next life i wont let anyone inside

Im out of reactions so im sacrificing sleep

Im laying in a king size mattress

Avoiding everyone and everything

Ive become numb again and i dont want to think

I hope this is the pain that puts me six feet deep

[waitingiswastinggg]

I havent felt like this in a long time... but i want to disappear... what will become of me if i stay... im too tired of feeling these feelings... ive had enough

[waitingiswastinggg]

Crystal Clear

do you want the pain of discipline or the pain of regret

i dont want to disappear again but what do i expect when i havent been giving it my 100%

i wont do what i need to do

so where do i go from here?

ive made so much progress and things have been crystal clear

is this the effect of past stress

or previous pressure ive kept in my head?

i know im capable to become my best

so why have i put myself in this mess again?

why does my belief in me run dry?

im searching for relief, maybe i need to look deeper inside?

am i as crooked as my teeth?

why cant i hold strong to my reasons why?

cause fuck i got real reasons so why wont they keep me alive?

[waitingiswastinggg]

I just want to run away from my life and go far away

[waitingiswastinggg]

Volcanic

Im like grains of sand swept up by the wind

This contempt in my veins effects how i think

This pain transcends mind body and spirit

For as long as i can remember it keeps getting more coherent

Youre still priceless in my eyes

I still wake up at 3am lost in the night

Ask anybody they'll tell you im just tired

Ask anybody they'll tell you im just fine

Its volcanic when i take a look in the mirror

Its a storm of static in my vision that wont get any clearer

I dont need any drugs

I dont need any drinks

You taught me self love

You taught me feeling

[waitingiswastinggg]

Ash Black

All im seeing is black

I have turnt to ash

I didnt have my back

I didnt see what was becoming bad

I close my eyes and I detach

I am the cause of these cracks

I am the cause

This weak will keeps me in the rocks

I cannot renew

My vitality has been robbed

And ive got nothing to lose

Things around me rot

And these depths are infused

I chose life but life chose my tomb

I am banished of spirit

Cant hear or feel it

Dont come near or fear you'll inherit

No rest for i am wicked

No seer or cleric can vanquish what is not seperate

I am tempted with a message

Not clear or coherent

[waitingiswastinggg]

Grateful

I cant see through the light

And its not in my nature to be brave

I cant look myself in the eyes

I cant deal with the pain

I had what was more than life

But i manifested what i was afraid

I have wronged my heart and mind

Now my soul has to pay

If i go to sleep

Itll make it all real

If this is a bad dream

I surrender it to the highest will

I am what i need right now

But what i want is how we feel

I know how this sounds

But didnt know how it would kill

Im all dried up

Numb to even the sun

You taught me love

In a world thats fucked

Im so grateful for there was an us

Im so grateful

Im so grateful

[waitingiswastinggg]

Eternity means eternity and i am strong and loyal, i will surpass my expectations, i will surpass all trials and tribulations, i will continue to rise no matter what, i will fight and compromise for what i truly desire while becoming who i would love to be with integrity

[beawareoftheindigos]

Fuck 3D

I cant win whatever i do

I compromise every fucking second of my life

And all that i end up keeping on creating is bullshit after bullshit

Fuck this shit

Fuck trying

Im so close to closing up to anything and everything

I swear one more thing that fucks me massively…

[waitingiswastinggg]

Gotta keep pushing, you can be what you want to be.

[waitingiswastinggg]

Dozens

Put the knife in me

Dont honour my death

Let me bleed out

Its too late to have wept

Dozens of regrets

Dont make it have any more sense

A facet of a lunatics lament

There is no form of amends

Ive put my bones in to the little ive struggled to

Outcast in my own home

Im far from where i am

Further than the moon

Dont reach back

I will just relapse

Ive always told myself to be the change

But the rip keeps pulling me its way

Ive stayed asleep

Ive stayed awake

There is no help in this place

[waitingiswastinggg]

Greying State

There was a time when i didnt i have much left in me I shut my eyes ignoring life Crooked like my teeth

Restless in nostalgia Had they always labled me a failure I did all that i knew to keep me together

I didn’t even know of an environment any better I did all that i knew to keep us from feuding even if it meant that i willingly let myself become your second hand trauma

That was my destruction Depersonalised The coldest eyes in which id reside

I could see in hindsight that my former clarity reduced in sanity You never treated me like family Just a burden, a travesty

Closed up I maintained in a greying state Lonesome and numbed id rather be, knowing it was a delusional tranquility

In all forms Emptied

[waitingiswastinggg]

I'm tired of being the one that has to be strong