It was Ru Paul Drag Race Season 9 time. It was the episode of the iconic Aja rant against Valentina. We had watch parties for each episode. And after each episode, we would drink and do stupid shit. It was usually extremely fun stupid shit, this was not that time.
At this particular watch party, things started out rough. Our friend CK started things out by bringing not one guy who we did not know, but two guys who we did not know. One of the guys was her asshole ex from back home, who she swore she was over. The other was some guy she had been flirting with from South Carolina who drove all the way here to fuck her. It was a weird dynamic. She had basically brought two of the straightest men to watch gay men watch drag queens. They did nothing but complain and bring down everyone.
After the episode we started to drink. They immediately insisted on playing their music. It was country, rap, and painfully straight. Us gays took refuge in the kitchen. It felt like we were being oppressed at our own super bowl party. We just drank in the kitchen awkwardly while the straights and her ruined our night. She had no cares for ruining our fun that night, she only wanted the attention to be on her. I was sick of this, and no amount of vodka was making my night better. We were just drinking to escape the heteronormativity. Plus, one of the straight guys was starting to even get a little hatred towards us in the kitchen. You could tell he was definitely the kind to say fuck homosexuals, I love Trump.
So after her coming into the kitchen to complain about not knowing which guy she should fuck and not apologize destroying for our chill drink night plans, we decided that we wanted out, this night was ruined. I was only feeling lightly drunk and mainly pissy. I felt like I had wasted my Saturday night. Thats when the idea of Luke came to mind. Luke and I had been talking from Grindr for about a week now, and he seemed like the perfect savior to come rescue me from the party. We started messaging and he seemed down to “hang out”, so we planned to meet up, and for him to pick me up on campus.
I told everyone I was going to meet a guy. Us kitchen squatters seemed like that was a good idea, and some of them left with me to walk back to campus. CK and her straight pack however took some offense to me leaving. She stated how sorry she was that her boy drama was ruining the night, but it didn’t seem genuine. It just seemed like she wanted me to give more attention to her. She already had ruined our night, I wasn’t gonna have her ruin my random hookup with some guy I talked to for two days. So I left and told her I basically didn’t care. It was very liberating. Later I would hear a story of her crying. They all thought it was because she felt sadness from ruining our night, but in reality it was because she didn’t know who to fuck. I’m glad I left.
I told Luke to come pick me up from my dorm. I went to shower and freshen up before he came. The alcohol I had was starting to kick in. I wanted to curl up and mess around with a man. After waiting 2 hours, and all the while feeling like I was gonna be ghosted, he finally picked me up. He apparently was a pizza delivery man working late, and had to deliver a few more pizzas for extra tips. I was painfully sober now, and just wanted to get dick and go to bed, but he wanted to go out
We decided to do what seemed natural, drive a slightly tired male, aka me, into the rural parts of town and smoke weed. As he turned away from campus I have never felt more terrified. I literally just got in a car with a stranger and agreed to go to middle of nowhere. This is how I die. But hey, free weed. We drove what felt like 30 minutes and talked about life, all while I was trying to figure out who to share my location with incase my body got chopped up. Eventually we pulled into a church parking lot. This is where I die, as a drunk horny gay man in a church of christ parking lot. He reached into a compartment, I thought to get a knife or some murder weapon. But in reality, it was just a bong and a shit ton of weed. So we started smoking, and I started to feel more and more chill.
We drove around more taking hits every now and then and just discussing life. We talked about being gay and our families and just generally had good high conversations, but we still flirted and occasionally my hand would slip into his lap to feel a penis. I honestly don’t know how long we drove and talked and flirted, I was the highest I had ever been in my life, time made no sense to me anymore. We finally made it back into a part of town I knew, and he started to smoke a cigarette, which was a big turn off. I was high enough to forgive him at the time, but in retrospect I should have told him I do mind people who smoke tobacco, that shit kills.
We made it back to his apartment, and as mentioned before I had no idea for how long we were out. I was very high and horny, thats all I knew to be true. We smoked more weed at his place. Every time we smoked, I felt like he was judging me for being a bitch when it came to weed. Every inhale I took of weed I ended up coughing most of it out and hacking up a lung. I just played it off as cute and ignorant I hope, and continued to smoke. After smoking that last bit of weed, we went to his place curled up on the couch to watch broad city. He kept insisting this was the best comedy on TV. I made my move on him and inched closer to him on the couch, but he seemed more interested in the TV than me. Good. After watching what felt like half of season one (again I was high as a plane, I don’t know times), he finally seemed to be more interested in me than the show, and we started at it.
At first we made out on the couch and he said we need to go to his room to continue. I was okay with this because bed meant sex which is the whole reason I was still up at 4 am. We de-clothed and started to have sex, but halfway through we ran into a road bump. Not only did he not have condoms and lube meaning no anal (which I was okay with due to an incident that occurred a few weeks earlier), but he told me he could only get off to porn. I felt basically useless. Why call me up if you only planned on watching porn with me? I could have done that at my dorm for Christ’s sake and go to bed. I agreed but after one video, I changed his focus to me again. Ain’t no video whore gonna outshine this live whore. He seemed into me more again. I liked the attention of being more important than a porn star. However he wasn’t that good. He was fast, and definitely did not match the pics that he sent me. He was smaller where it counted, and more well defined in areas. He also had no desire to give to much attention to me. It felt like I was doing all the work. I did all the movements, and he kinda laid there like a high sloth. The only real thing he had going for him besides the free weed was that he was a good kisser. So like always during bad sex, I made it work, got the job done, and cuddled and went to bed.
I woke up some hours later to some of the loudest snoring I have ever heard. How his roommates had not kicked him out at night I had no idea, it was loud. I couldn’t sleep, had to pee, and was dying of thirst. Yet, I was trapped, to my left the wall, and to my right, him asleep. I had to worm my way out the bottom of the bed to go to his bathroom. In his bathroom, I started to finally sober up. I realized I made a mistake, but I had no idea how to leave. I also wanted water desperately, but couldn’t gain the courage to leave his room to go to the kitchen. So i took his cup full of toothbrushes and threw them on the counter, and used his toothbrush holder to drink water. It was disgusting, but not the most disgusting thing I did that night. I crawled back into bed and tried to sleep, but for the most part it was on and off for most of the night.
I finally feel back asleep, and the next thing I remember was him spooning me, and he seemed like he wanted to go at it again. His dick was pressing into me hard. I wasn’t in the mood however, I didn’t sleep, still wanted clean water, was tired, and just generally wanted to go home, so I just played along with it. We started to make out, and this was the most disgusting thing I had done that night. His mouth tasted like cigars, weed, and morning breath all together. It was disgusting. I just wanted to leave, so I got him to finish. He of coursed continued to do nothing, so I again did all the work, but this time in overdrive mode so I could leave. I got him to finish, and for once he felt concerned I wasn't also finishing like he was. I told him I didn’t feel like it, as I didn’t want to try for something that wasn’t going to happen. This is when I am most jealous of women’s abilities to fake orgasms. We got up and got ready to leave. This is when he finally decided to brush his teeth. Dumb ass.
He seemed to be rushing me at this point. I couldn’t find my underwear anywhere. He kept rushing me. I decided fuck it I would go commando. I ended up losing my favorite pair of underwear due to his rushing, I was even more pissed. I started to follow him to his door to his kitchen to grab something I left while we made out watching broad city. However, he stopped me, and then proceeded to ask me the most brash question I was ever asked: will you jump out that window instead of following me out the front door? He told me he didn’t want to explain me to his roommates. Interesting. Okay. What was I? Some mistress? Was he gonna steal the shit I left in the kitchen and leave me alone in his apartment complex? What the fuck is his deal? He lived on the first floor, and I was too tired due to his snoring to argue with him, so I agreed. I jumped out his fucking window and walked over to his car. Why? Idk I was tired and wanted to get the fuck home. I stood by his car for ten minutes, was he even gonna come? But eventually he did. He came, like how I never did. He gave me my stuff, it was all still there, so why did I jump out the window? To this day I believe it was because I was his other person, and he used me to cheat on someone. Good. Overall, I would rate Luke as a 2/5 stars, getting bonus stars for free weed.
As he dropped me off back at my dorm, he thanked me for my service, making me sound like some veteran. I left, ignoring his call to do this again sometime. I was tired, and wanted to sleep without the interference of snoring or some drunk bitch complaining about who to sleep with. This was the end of an era for this whore, as it was at this point I realized I needed to slow down, and maybe not sleep around as often. This realization lasted for probably two months before I slept around again and this whore lived again.
TL;DR: I slept with a guy who was awful at sex and made me jump out of his window after because my friend ruined our drinking night crying over which guy she should fuck. But I did get free weed even though I thought I was getting murdered.
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