the collection of the most random things. @wearywhompingwillow - Tumblr Blog

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Hey you. I've known you for a while now, and while we've had our crests and troughs, you've always been a wonderful friend through it all. You're ever-reliable and always make for great company. Knowing you and spending time with you has inspired me to be a better person - I know I haven't always been able to come through for you, but that's because I find it hard to come through for anyone. I can't thank you enough for never giving up on me. And I'm not giving up on you.

Thank you. I just happened to read this in a moment of utter sadness and it made me feel just a tad bit less alone.

There goes that feeling again the one that just goes, why isn't life over can I just end it?

I don't know why I do this to myself. Constantly putting myself in situations where I feel like I don't know why I'm even there.

Almost every day there's a moment where you realise that no one gives a shit about you. Where it doesn't even matter if you are there or not. I dunno if that's just life or that's just me.

I feel like I'm in a bad dream and I need to wake up.

It's a weird feeling right now

Call it being at peace or feeling nothing at all, I can't really get myself to care about anything at all. I do things, small and big, appropriate and not. No feelings at all.

(Weirdly all the feelings I have are about why I don't feel anything)

Even my thoughts. They have no filter. I think something bad and I just let it happen, and it doesn't scare me or affect me even. Once upon time I know I used to 'admonish' myself for thoughts like this. Now it's just eh, whatever.

It's really fun pyscho-analyzing myself tho.

I can't even write about it because there are no emotions.

Ever met someone so pretty you want to cry?

How is it fair that a hat and a beard can COMPLETELY change the way a guy looks.

When you are told you are gonna die, you don't cry because you are sad your life is over. You cry because you didn't do enough in your life.

Can you really escape yourself?

You can get high, or drunk or fool around or act like you aren't you. You can act out, be quiet, sleep all day. But you can't not feel like you.

You'll embarrass yourself when you are drunk and hold it over your own head forever.

You'll think so much when you are high, enough to see how ridiculous you look just laughing.

You'll fool around and wonder if you just got used. Maybe you're pregnant. Because you expect the worst.

You can do things you arent supposed to, but somehow they will make you feel bad.

You can't sleep it off cause it creeps into your dreams.

You scream in the middle of the night to get it all out of your head.

You can try to be good about it. Change yourself. Eat better, work out, you know all the good things.

It might work for a day or two, but you end up knowing you an incapable of change.

What do you do then?

I fucked up. Idk if what I think is gonna happen is gonna but the fact that it's even a possibility means I fucked up big. I'm terrified.

I really don't understand people.

Why say something you if you aren't gonna do it? To spare my feelings? It's just gonna hurt as much when you don't do it.

We are all adults here. Why can't we just be fucking honest and save ourselves the time and energy of dealing with fake shit.

I think I've given up on myself. Just resigned to what I have. I can't even buy anything for myself anymore. It feels like there is no point. My life, existence is just so mundane.

You are rushing over to your friend's office. You guys wanted to hang out after work. There tends to be a lot of traffic. You thought it would be better to start hanging out a little earlier and then get stuck in traffic together. You message when you are leaving. Midway, you call. You even share your ride. When you get there you are stuck waiting outside for 20 minutes. You don't get to talk much. No one really listens to you. You thought your friends like you so they must. They are mostly on their phone when you are around though. You think it's common and not a big deal. Other people tell you about how your friends talk so much. You try to not let it get to you. You are finally talking. Yes you jabber on about random, I guess mundane things in your life, because really what else is there to talk about. You can tell they aren't really paying attention, just looking at their computer screen nodding along absent-mindedly. You make some excuses for them. You have had really bad anxiety recently. Over the last couple years you've been on the depressed side. Scared of talking to people. Being over critical about the things they say to you. Like everything is an insult. It's just the way you are used to doing things. After all, people have always treated you differently. For your hair, your skin color, your fat, and your mind. You are at a pretty bad stage, but you go on that vacation with the random acquaintances. You feel so left out, but you try. You try very hard. It's not going well. You toughen up and try some more. No one really has your back here. But that's fine, that's life. So you are on this vacation. Your friends are want to go to a club. You say you don't want to. But they are welcome to go. They cancel their plans. The place you are vacationing is famous for just laying around and chilling but you feel like you haven't done any of this, do you all decide to extend your vacation by just one extra day to accomplish this task. You rent a new car and try to be optimistic. Your one extra, hopefully perfect, day arrives. You are woken up and asked to drive someone somewhere. There are six of you. One stays back and you and the rest go. You drive in the tiny roads and crowded over-parked streets to the destination. The only other drivers either can't drive because they are 'injured' or because they are reckless. They are looking for something here. It's quite a walk from the parking to the place. They find out that the drugs they want are indeed sold here, in this normal looking famous shack. You don't judge, to each his own right? And anyway you are at a nice shack ready to chill like you wanted, let them do as they please. Turns out they don't have enough cash and the ATM is not walkable from here. As the only valid driver, you assume the task of driving to the ATM. Three of them stay while one joins you. You return successfully three hours of searching later. You are not acknowledged. You try to push it aside. You head back to the hotel. They say let's get ready. We will go to the club. You look at your friends. They now you don't wanna go. They convince you to half heartedly say yes. You get dressed in a dress that you aren't really comfortable in. And you end up going. You aren't surprised you dont have a good time. Its shallow and weird and you paid too much money to just be cramped in a room with people. You end up crying to your boyfriend at the club. This is all wrong. The club closes and you head back to the hotel. You are driving again so you stayed on the sober side. You can see how your friends are acting in reaction to you. One passed out though. You get back to the hotel and you just wanna curl up for forget the day. But people are sitting around and you decide to hang around maybe you can change this day up. You leave the next day. Your friends extend their vacation by another day. They spend the whole day just relaxing at the beach. So much for fairness.

I am someone who has known you for a while, though we don't talk that much now. The first time I saw you, I thought ' Who is this pretty kid who wants to talk to me?' There was an incident where you were such a nice person, I reformed my opinion on what a friend should be like, after that. Don't freak out that I am creeping on your blog. Just wanted to remind you that you left a significant impact on me. You matter a lot and I hope you realize that. Take care love, you deserve sweet happiness.

I don’t remember when I first read this, but this is the first time I remember doing so. I think I know who this is, and while that doesn’t matter much, it’s puts a different spin on it. Anyway, thanks. It’s nice to know that something has come out of this life.

The hope is someday I’ll look back and wonder why the hell I was ever so worried or so sad.

All I want right now is for someone to tell me I don’t deserve this. That I deserve so much more. And this is not okay.

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