weekend sabo

Going through my journals from the past

[weekendsabo]

Journal - Thursday, January 24th, 2019

Man it feels like Friday. Work will be easy tomorrow. Work is easy everyday. I think I’m ready or really going to take no drinking seriously. I’m ready. I am just ready to sit at home and actually do some productive stuff. Can’t do that if I’m getting drunk and spending all my money on alcohol. I know I would be so much happier. I think I want to move the exercise into the spare room. I feel I’ll enjoy it a lot more, but I do like that It’s in the laundry room. Two birds type of thinking. I won’t move it just yet. I want to see how it is with the deck in there. Mona seems to like the bones. The treads seem too hard for her so maybe I’ll crush them up in her food? We’ll see. I do have to get her nails clipped. Possibly tomorrow? Saturday for sure. I think she’ll be a lot happier, I feel I need to smoke less week. I will be like a million times more productive but maybe just a Fri/Sat thing. I think that would work. No alcohol and week on the weekend sounds like it would lead to a good life. I do like going out but it just won’t be multiple night a week thing. Maybe once a week. I feel I want to go to Duster so maybe I can plan to be out just on Wednesday. 

[weekendsabo]

Journal - Wednesday, January 23rd, 2019

Not going to be lazy today. Walked Mona, went to the store. I’m working out now. While doing laundry. Then I’m going to clean the kitchen before I make sausage pasta fazool! It should turn out great! I just need to be honest. Well see if he asks. He probably won’t. Whatever. Almost done with this workout and then I can start the fun stuff. Did pretty alright at work today except for lunch. I shouldn’t have gossent those sausages but they were delicious. Oh well. I’m not worried about it. I will plan and make all my dinners/lunches on Sunday so I’m not eating out every day like this week. So bad but so good. I have to get over this wanting to just feel full. It’s so bad. Like It’s a real problem. I took care of it before. I can take care of it again! Just have to plan what I eat and keep track of it. Hopefully MFP is better. I don’t want to have to look up everything.

[weekendsabo]

Journal - Tuesday, January 22nd, 2019

Do a couple cheddar and a couple gouda? Or maybe some gouda bread and cheddar bread? I feel that the cheese will be easier. I don’t want to clean all that up. I’ll pass.

[weekendsabo]

Journal - Monday, January 21st, 2019

It’s a good start to the week! Just chilling the rest of the week. I’ll get a steak or two out for dinner. And I’ll make pizz on Friday! Maybe even get me a pizza stone? I’ll see if I can find a inexpenxive on on amazon! So I started going on r/stopdrinking and it might be just what I need to keep up with the no drinking. Or at least just make a real honest effort to drink in moderation. Either way, I’m not drinking till Friday and that will hopefully be just one drink at home. I just don’t know. It’s just crazy how big of a role it takes in my life. I think about it all the time and just want to drink. Then the next night day I just had it so much, but then I have no problem drinking the next night. Over and Over. I don’t think I’m down for AA meeting. I want to give it a really big solid shot. I can do it. Day 2 with day three right behind it. Take it a day at a time. Plus Drinking is still a lot of fun. It’s just not worth the risk anymore.

[weekendsabo]

Journal - Saturday, January 19th, 2019

Well, Jazzy’s is closed down. I was kind of excited to go and check it out. I do kind of remember it, but not really. Oh well. I remember it the best I can I guess. I do feel odd writing in a journal at a bar, but this bloody mary is delicious breakfast is good as well. Gwery. I don’t know. Some place is St. George. Really solid eggs, sausage, bacon, biscuits and gravy and hashbrowns. REally, I do wonder how old the bartender is. Probably a little older than me. Thirty five or thirty sixish. Either way, I’m not sure. Oh well. She’s cute. Well, not sure, but maybe I’ll go check out a brewery or two before hitting up Purgatory. I know it’s going to be a hip place, but I’ll get there early to be able ot get a spot at the bar and chill there most of the night. Get there around 7ish should be good. I’m going to try and be social tonight. We’ll see. I’ll probably do what I did at washed out and just keep to myself. It was still a good night. Should have went and talked to Kaylee. Jaylie. Would have been a fun conversation for sure. Og well. We’ll see how I feel later. Right now I’m down, but I’ll probably be she when the time comes. But I can almost guarantee it’ll be good. 

Cont. on 1/18

Do you ever feel those perfect moments and wish someone was there. I’m laying here and I just wish they felt what I felt and saw what I see. And holds your hand. It’s all I’ll ever hold on to. It is the way you won’t or I won’t. I want to look into you eyes and never. How do I feel. I feel like I’m happy. I came home, I just wish I wasn’t alone. I’m ok and I lay naked and just cuddle the sheets. It’s almost like It’s almost like 

I should have brought that tequila

I forgot what I was supposed to write down.

Sabo

[weekendsabo]

Journal - Friday, January 18th, 2019

So. Made it through the week nicely. I had a good day today. Got the car watched and oil changed for the trip up to Salt Lake City.

[weekendsabo]

Journal - Wednesday, January 16th, 2019

Today. I will get a lot of Academy Square done. As well as Raging Wire. I will have my salad at lunch. Then Dinner with Shyla and Marlon and them. No cake today. I’ll come home after dinner and chill. Clean a little. I slept alright, don’t really remember my dreams, but I know my family was there and we were trying to watch a movie? I’m not sure. Oh well. It was a nice dream from what I feel. I really need to stop snoozing and get up when my body tells me. I woke up at 4 this morning on my own. I should have just gotten up and done some stuff. I want coffee. I’m leaving now!

[weekendsabo]

Journal - Tuesday, January 15th, 2019

Last night I did do good and make dinner. It wasn't the healthiest dinner, but it was good. But I didn't exercise. I could have cleaned more. I could have done a lot of things but I decided that Borderlands and going to bed at 9pm was the right choice. I definitely was not. I don't know I’m just depressed, or upset with myself because I got to drunk on Saturday night and didn’t make it to the motorcycle class. Which means I’m out $150 and I don’t have my motorcycle licence. I suck. I should have just walked around and not drank. I would have had the same amount of fun and I wouldn’t of missed the class and on Sunday, I just laid around and wallowed in my own mistake. Like I deserve to no do anything. I never do anything I want because I don’t want to do anything. I want to just sit on a cough and do nothing. I have so much I could do and everytime I think about it, I don’t do it. How do I stop that. It’s all up to me. 100% all on myself. I don’t have anyone to report to or anyone to tell me what to do. Whenever you get a though to do something, do it and stick with it. No more of this fucking off and fucking up. It’s over today. Got it.

[weekendsabo]

Journal - Monday, January 14th, 2019

I’m really just going to keep a journal or something with me to write whenever. I’m also taking a break from Reddit. And everything. Let’s see how long I can go sober. Today is day 1 without drinking. But weed is alright as long as I don’t get too lazy. I hate being so lazy and just not being the best I can be. Plus getting high is awesome. After I eat I will play some piano and guitar. Everyday I should be doing it. I could do a lot of things everyday. I don’t have to dedicate a whole evening to it. Just an hour. 30 minutes is better than nothing. I know why I just don’t care about what I’m doing. It’s because I really don’t like myself. Especially now. I hate that I gained all that weight back. I hate that it’s a struggle to not drink. I’m trying to think of reasons to tell people that I’m not drinking other than I’m addicted and it’s affecting my life in a negative way. I just can’t go around telling people that. That would just make people feel awkward and I don’t blame them. I feel awkward just thinking about it. It sucks. I suck. I’m on a drinking hiatus and thats it. It’s going to be bad tomorrow, but I’ll give in with out a fight like I always do. Pussy.

[weekendsabo]

Journal - Saturday, January 12th, 2019

I have technically 2 minutes to finish this or else it isn’t true. It’s so crazy how hard this is to write in here. I’m not doing anything tonight.

[weekendsabo]

Journal - Saturday, January 5th, 2019

Definitely should have stayed home last night. The bands were cool and seeing Natalie was cool, but all in all it was not worth the hassle. I ended up drinking 5 beers. $7 at the door, $6 for the first beer and $3 for the next 4. $18 plus $7 + $25 then tipped $6. Unnecessary $31 spent. Plus, I was so committed to not drinking and I didn’t even say no. I bartered that I would just have 2. Knowing fully that I was going to drink more. I just always want to over consume! I seriously have a drinking problem and guess what?

Cont. on 8/2

I’m going to drink tonight. Unfortunately I’m only letting myself down. Fortunately I’m used to it so it’s not a huge deal. If I had a dollar for everytime I said I would quit, I’d have a few bucks. It's okay. It’s not okay. I keep saying it’s okay but it really isn’t. I spent over $7000 on just alcohol. I can’t do that again. I should go get a haircut. Nah. I will shave before tonight though. Gotta look good for all the filipino hotties tonight. I think I’ll leave around 10ish. We’ll see. I’m just not spending any money tonight. Bridget will probably hit me up about the quacks show. Even though I didn’t work on the dest today.getting the house cleaned up is nice. I’m going to get good at piano, I really like it. I will play it everyday. I’ll buy a real one soon. It’ll be great. I have a lot of ideas, and I’ll probably never do them. I can make music. I hate that I doubt myself. Like my music is lame. Maybe it is. I don’t care. I like it. I love having a house. I ‘ll never not live in one. I’m thinking about selling the bus.

Cont. on 8/1

Also. I will have Mona back in two weeks. I am beyond stoked! I more than likely go up there on the 19th and head home on the 20th maybe to check out that show : Future Generation and Magic Hippy Music? But I would like to bring someone with me. I don’t really want to. It would be fun if James and Tsvet come along. They may be down. Maybe even get Mx. Vivian to join? Could be a lot of fun. It cost couple hundred. But it’s so worth it. I wish I had Vivian’s #. It would just make it easier to hit her up. Bridget would be fun, but I don’t know. I alway say I’m not down, but get a couple beers in me and everything changes. If someone does come, I’m no drink. I need to learn how to be social without drinking. It’s hard. I did pretty alright last night. It wasn’t too shabby. I don’t know why I like that she. She trusts me and I will do my best to never break that trust. But I would have taken my chance. I’m so worried they’ll say yes and I just won’t know what to do. I’ll get it figured out. Just like lunch and dinner.

Cont. on July 31

Lunch - 

Quinoa Tebule - Tabbouleh

1- Cucumber

1- Cherry Tomatos

1- Radish 1- Eggs

1- Parsley 1- Pickles

1- Mint 1- Garlic

1-Scallions

Should be alright with that

Dinner

Tomorrow will be pizza but I may get a nice salad. I’ll worry about dinner tomorrow

Pictures from this day

[weekendsabo]

Journal - Friday, January 4th, 2019

As of right now there is 119 blank days. When I decided to fill this on 11/30 I had 32 days to fill up 180 days. In 35 days I fill up 61 days which isn’t bad. I have till the end of Sunday to fill up as much as possible, then I’m retiring this journal. Let’s get it under 100. 3 days to fill up 20 days. That about 6 a day or 7. I can do it! Then it will be about 72% full. Not too shabby for missing almost half the days at the start of November. Next year is going to be so much better. I’ll do this Planner thing and a page in the new journal along with getting the others filled as well. I think those Nikes are done and it’s time to get some new shoes. My left foot hurts this morning for no apparent reason and it sucks. It has to be because of the shoes? I’m going to wear my NBs today and see that makes a difference. Maybe, Maybe not, but it’s worth a shot. It could be that my feet are trying to have an arch cause I walk around bare foot at home a lot. That would be sweet, I will start to incorporate the feet exercises in my lifting routine and that should help a bunch. We’ll see!

Cont. on 8/8

Good day at work today. Got a lot done on that Rage Wine job. Probably will finish it up on Monday. No Problemo. Went to lunch with Skylar, she definitely talks a lot. I feel she doesn’t really have anyone to talk to really, or just being around her folks just had gotten old. I do hope she is able to her her own place soon. She will be a lot happier and her folds will be a lot happier as well. Especially Neal. Well, I’m oging to delete FB today. I’m over it after this workout. I’m ogoing to get all the info off there that I need and be gone! I’m ready. I’ll share my music in other ways. FB isn’t the only way to promote. Whatever. I don’t care. I’m over it. I’ll form a jazz band or something. Or just write and record music. Make videos for everything? Whatever. I’m done trying to impress people or be “friends” these people don’t care. Or maybe I don’t care. More that likely. But I do like these people. I just feel I’m ready to move on. Get my priorities straight again. Maybe coming back just was a bad idea. That’s not true, I just have to take it a day at a time. 

Cont. on 8/7

I’m finishing this month tonight. So, let’s see who I had a crush on since I’ve been back. I think fist might have been Kristina Kelley. Still kind of do. I still remember being at Brooklyn Bowl and finding out she had a boyfriend. I feel it wouldn’t work out. Then Jenna - which is over at this point. I can’t ( I can) believe I talked to her hammered. I don’t even remember what she said or really what I said. So to keep it from getting awkward I treat her like any other friend. Nover “crushed” on Bridget, just always wondered if there was anything there. But I really don’t think so. I feel if there was it would have happened in Japan. Definitely had some feelings for Lyn. But that would never work. Maybe if she didn’t have kids. Her kids are great, but it's not something I want. So, it’s okay. I could have been better about it, but I just don’t want to deal with it. Plus she lives in a different country. I want someone here. Right now, I don’t want anyone. I need to get myself back on track before getting into a relationship. 

Cont. on 8/6

Then there’s Luna. But I’ve written enough in here about her and don’t have much more to say. I never took a shot and lost my chance. One click away from deleting FB. If i hit this button it is the last time I am logging in. I don’t need it. I don’t want it. The people that need to get a hold of me have my number. It’s gone. And I already feel better. I don’t think anyone will notice for a while if at all. I’m probably not going to that show tonight. Unless Tsvet hits me up or James, you know what I mean. Definitely attracted to Vivian, but I feel she isn't’ the right personality for me. I feel a lof of things. I’ll. I f I go to the show tonight, I will end up drinking and smoking and I really do not want to do that. Plus, I would spend money, even if I didn’t drink it’s like at least $5 in gas. But I I do go. I will be able to socialize a little with the same people

 I see all the time. Not all the time, but still. I get super socially awkward if I’m sober. It sucks. It’s like I forgot how to be myself.

Cont. on 8/4

I hope Neal isn’t. Doesn’t get his feeling hurt about the gym thing. I’ll wait till I have Mona. He’ll understand then. It’s just so easy to not be sober. I don’t know why I just can’t be sober. Is there any benefit to smoking weed or drinking tonight. Pro’s - The weed will make me relax more. I feel the music more when I play and just enjoy playing. I trying to justify getting high. It’s not really a bad thing. I’m just trying - 8/8 - to figure out why I feel the need to not do these things. Well drinking is easy to figure out. I want to lose weight and drinking is completely against losing weight. At least for how I like to drink. I just enjoy having a buzz or being high. Lately I’ve been getting upset with myself when I drink too much. Just cause I know I need to stop doing it. Not completely and not stop forever, but I need a break right now. I’m done till I get to 175. I will be under 200 by February. It’ll be easy. I’m okay with smoking weed as long as it is not on work nights. Just makes me so groggy. 

Cont. on 8/3

A Lotta Things

By Bonny Doon

EGDD

This and that

So and so

Maybe yes, maybe no

You said a lot of things. You said a lot of things.

Eleven Thirty-Nine

I’ll never be on time.

I know I said a lot of things. I said a lot of things. 

And I should be happy

But I’m not

But I’m not

And I should be grateful

I know. But I’m not

But I’m not

I’m faking my own death

So I can get some rest

I know I thought of everything. I thought of everything

Standing in the corner

Just staring at the sky

Oh man, I saw a lotta things

I saw a lot of things

I should write this in the new journal and just know the songs. I wonder if this is any easier not really I just need to relax.

I should have stayed home. I went because I knew I would drink. I decided it on my before I left. 

Okay, so I got drunk. Guess what. It's’ probably going to happen tomorrow night. So deal with it.

[weekendsabo]

Journal - Thursday, January 3rd, 2019

Had another crazy dream but it was really nice. Watched Walle for the first time, then went to the Disney Studio and met one of the artist. She lived there. But she was so happy we were there and talking to her. She loved my tattoos. I had more than what I have now. But it was time to go and she got sad. She just laid there. I wanted a hug, but she wouldn’t get up so I gave her a kiss. Then I was late for work where I needed to take a test. It was a written test and I scored really low the first two times. So I was worried about that. I left a Mickey shirt for the Disney girl before I left. I had to ride my bike to work. But it was all freeways and I was in CA so I had to have a helmet so I went back and tried to find one. The store had one, but I didn’t really remember buying them. Then there was an older lady with a pet monkey that I hung out with. I feel she was odd, but the monkey loved me. We cuddled and napped and I spent some time in her house. Can’t really remember names at all but all in all good dreams. Makes me want to sleep all the time. Not really. Real life is just as cool.

Cont. on 8/10

I wonder if Jessica and Crystal don’t think about me as much as I don’t think about them. Probably. I only bring this up because it's the day before Crystal’s birthday. 8/11/87 or 88. I can’t remember. I was such a bad boyfriend. Maybe I was at times. Either way. We needed to break up. I wasn’t happy. I was talking to girls on FB. I checked out of that relationship for sure. She did the right thing breaking up with me. I’ve learned so much since then. It’s been 7-6 years. I’m a lot different now. I still believe that when I stopped writing I went down hill. I can because I stopped holding myself accountable and just let myself go. Drinking eating and not exercising did it to me. Never again. I do like moving my body. But I don’t like moving this body. It’ll get better. Today I will get that proposal done. I’ll get a salad at walmart and take my dad to costco. When I get home I will clean, read, write, play some music and ride the bike for 30 minutes. Find a different interval training video. Have a good stretch before bed. Then go through my flash cards. It’ll be a good day.

Cont. on 8/9

Let’s see how long you can go sober. Today is day 3. Lets make it through the weekend and I’ll be golden till next Friday. Also, lets spend as little money this weekend as possible. I’ll make u some burgers on Saturday. Maybe. But I definitely have plenty of food for the weekend. So I’m set there. I’d like to do the chickpea salads for lunch. I hate not eating lunch. Just ruins my day. Not really, but It sucks. I don’t want to do that anymore. So I will make lunch! I do which I was living close to go home for lunch. But its okay. Car lunch will soon turn to bench lunch, then I’ll find a nice place to go for lunch. Probably just go to the wall and sit somewhere. Nobody will care and I can walk around a bit. It’ll be easier to write and stuff so I should start doing that. I will. No offense to them, but I don’t want to go over there for lunch. It would be so draining. I wouldn’t be able to relax. I like the wall idea. I could get in some people watching, could be cool. I’ll give it a shot. It’ll look like I work there? Doesn’t matter. No one will care.

[weekendsabo]

Journal - Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

I was so lazy yesterday. What did I do yesterday? I made pizza. I was made with green sauce, carnitas and cheese. I used the mixer, but it was way to dry, but it turned out pretty good. I think I should just come up with my own recipe, but they are basically all the same. On track. I woke up around 12ish, picked up the kitchen and mostly laid on the couch. I did write a day so it wasn’t a complete loss, but around 4:30 I took a nap till around 6ish and decided it was time for bed. I slept almost 14 hours. It was nice. I needed it. Pretty unproductive day, but it’s okay. It’s a new year and I’m ready to crush it this year. After work, I am going to clean! Evey thing! bey really. Kitchen for sure and the table. I will do the work out and possibly yoga. Maybe yoga before bed. I want to get more on a set schedule. It’ll be good. I also want to make the flash cards and play on the piano for at least 30 minters. I want to do that every day to get better at the piano! It’ll happen. also. No T.V. today and not on my phone too much Read. Read. Read. Read please.

Cont on 8/15

Top things I would like to do more of this year. Play more music. Listen to more music. Read more. Write more. Maybe find a different year planner with bigger days, or just start filling up the other journals I have. Move my body more. I did great for a long time then I just sucked some more. I want to save as much as possible. I’ll stick to the $200 budget and any thing that doesn’t fit I need to move my budget week from Friday to Sunday. Sundays will be fore grocery shopping and chilling. then by the time Friday/Saturday roll around we’ll see how much I have left. It’ll work out way better that way. No more of this $1.87 in my bank account. I specially since I made over $60,000 this year. I do have a lot to show for it, but it is the very least I could do. At least I’m aware of it. I’ve been living like this for a long time. 2018 was a great year and it’s only going to get better! Keep you sight close and focus on the day to day. You can do this. You want do do this. It will happen. You got this!

Cont on 8/14

So. It’s a very good possibility that I will have Mona back in my lfe relatively shortly. Like a week or so. As long as I’m able to get this pet deposit paid on Friday. Just have to wait for Anna to call and it should be good to go on Friday. I’m so stoked. I may have to drive up there to pick her up but I don’t mind. I could invite someone for the road trip. Could be a dun weekend. We’ll see what happens though. I do have my hopes up, but I won’t believe it till it happens. Then I always have an excuse to always go home after work. No more just stopping at the folks, which I don’t mind, but I just won’t be tempted. Then I’m always home on work days. Even Friday. There, I will move there likely just stay home all the time and I’m okay with that. Then I have no excuse to go out and not cook at home and not work out. Lets go with the no zero days. This is going to be my best year yet! I’m excited! I’m also very excited about the left over pizza that In the over! I can’t skip lunch anymore. It sucks. Couple more days!

Cont on 8/13

I may bail on Ian to go to the party. I’ll talk Ian to come earlier so I can get out of here around 7:30 and get to his place around 8:15isg. I haven’t. We’ll see. We have time to figure it out! They’ll be alright with it. Got the flash card done. It won’t take long to go through them before going to bed. Like 10-15 minutes. I feel just going through them once a day I’ll have them memorized pretty quickly and I’ll keep with the piano practice as much as I can. I like it. I want to be really good at the piano. If I do a couple times a week, there's no way I won’t get better. Lets say if you are getting better by like June, I will by myself a piano. Then I will have to practice all the time. Either way. I will keep practicing and getting better. Today I cleaned very little. Exercised. Kept under my calorie goal. Made some flash cards and practiced piano. there’s no reason why I can’t do that almost everyday. Only thing stopping me i myself. I am the reason why I am where I am all the food and all the bad. I just need to get rig of the bad stuff.

Cont on 8/11

I wonder how Haily felt about the Christmas card. It is weird I sent it to her work, but I’d be stoked to get something like that. I really do hope she writes back. I didn’t really leave her with any other option. No phone number or anything. Just a return address and hopefully it was legible enough for her to read ti. Oh well. It’s gone and if I don’t hear from here, I hope she lives a very happy life. I’m sure she will.

Cont on 8/12

I don’t think I can go vegetarian, but I definitely want to seriously reduce my meat intake. Maybe I can be part of the history of humans that stop eating meat. I’m not going to raise any kids, but maybe I can influence someone with kids that will lead them to veggie diets? Probably not. I don’t know, but I do want to but out a lot of meat from my diet. I’m starting to feel bad for these animals. What makes out life so much more important than theirs. The fact that we can talk and read and write and understand complex thoughts. They have thoughts an feelings as well.

[weekendsabo]

Journal - Tuesday, January 1st, 2019

2019 me: Please most of all, don’t forget about me. I really hope you read this next year. Right now you weigh around 210-215. I hope to be under 170. I feel that is an easy goal. I hope to have a MC and be comfortable riding. Okay. It has been 5 years since I had a new years kiss. Whatever. It’ll probably be another

Sorry that my entry sucks. I did pretty good last though.

I am dedicated to taking a year from drinking. Then replace the year as forever. Let’s really see how long you can go with out drinking. Like.

Let’s do 1 week. with no smoking work nights and see how it goes.

Alright. From today. See how long you can go without buying meat. I have a bunch, so it’ll be a while till it’s vegetarian. I’ll just

I have so many memories that I don’t what to forget. I’m going to write more of it down.

Cont on 12/31

It was so much fun to see the D last night. I still should have gone alone, but having Skylar go was cool. I hope she doesn’t get any ideas. I just enjoy her company. I did have a good time with her. Probably one of my favorite new years. I go drunk for what is hopefully the last time. I have a goal of one week. Then I’ll move it to two weeks. Keep it small, achievable goals. I wonder how many books I can read this year. Lets say 12. One a month minimum. I can probably get through a lot of Sapiens today and maybe have it finished by Friday. Id’ like to start collecting books and vinyls. I will this year. $200 weekly budget with no eating out or drinking, I should be able to get a lot of things. I also want a lot of house plants. I feel I should be able to stay another year at least. I think I can buy this house by Sept. 2020. It’ll be a lot of hard work, but I feel it’s do able, especially if I hit a 9 spot keno for 60 grand. Walk away with like $45,000 that’s a nice down payment. I’ll definitely get inspections for the house.

Picture from this day

[weekendsabo]

Journal - Sunday, December 30th, 2018

I’m glad I’ve really kept up with this this month. It’s helped me out a ton. I’m not going to reach the goal of getting under 200 unless a miracle happens tonight or tomorrow and I suddenly drop 10lbs over night. It’s okay. I’ll write down my January goals and put them up some where. I can get one of those white board panels out of the bus and use them. That’s a good Idea! Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it. Get the “studio” set up and maybe attempt to record some thing today! Took all weekend, but the beetle is complete! It was just. I should have done a better job cleaning the pieces, but I t worked out alright. 

Pictures from this day

[weekendsabo]

Journal - Saturday, December 29th, 2018

I wasn’t as productive yesterday as i could have been last night, but I still did a lot. When I got home I cleaned the table off. Got a lot of trash out, I cleaned the spare room a bit. I did my 5x5. did come laundry. I did play some guitar but it wasn’t a ton. and I was in bed by 10:30! but I did watch porn last night and this morning. I’ll do better with not watching it. Now I want to get my kitchen picked up and ready for my Pa. he will be here in about an hour. Should be another good day.

Cont on 8/23

I don’t know why I can’t just relax. I mean I do, but I feel like I always need to be doing something. Even when I’m doing something. I think it maybe have something to do with having to plan things. On a different note. I got lost in thought and forgot what I was going to write. I feel like I should go out, but really I just want to be social. It’s hard. I talked to my dad for a sec. I talked to my cashiers at Albertsons and Starbucks, and other than that I haven’t talked to anyone. Not even through text. It’s my own fault that no one hits me up. I was gone and not that I’ve been here, nothing. I tried. Oh and I deleted Facebook. I feel people got butthurt or they just forget about me. Whatever. I know I keep using excuse that I need it for the music stuff, but whatever. What If I just have a bandcamp/spotify and I get stickers made. That just say Duck Musk and maybe have spotify/bandcamp at the bottom and I just put them up when I go out and that’s it. No social media not nothing, I won’t tell anyone!

Cont on 8/22

It’s not even 5 yet. I’m going to finish this beer then I’m going to get another on and take a shot. I want to paint. I think I will ask gma if I can have that stuff or invite her over so we can do it together. Invite Mom and Mel and dad and Makayla. I want people to come over and do things with me. Whatever. I’m ready to be better at everything. Look how alright I do with not being good. I still manage to eat well, get fucked up, have a car and house. I have a whole house to myself. It’s so tight. I’m so concerned with getting people over to have when I just need. We’ll I just need to find a girlfriend and get them to move in. Easy Peasy. I will do more art. not just music, but I just want to draw or take pictures or paint or sculpt or build! I will. Fuck drinking. I’m over it. It I can get some acid to day might be the last day I get drunk. Till April... but I can do so much If I don’t drink. I can buy tools and actually redo the bus and get a motorcycle. I want it so cad. I will make it happen. By the end of March.

Cont on 8/21

After this sunset, jammies are going on! I really like lifting. Like I want to do it now, but I have to wait till tomorrow. not super into cardio but I will incorporate it. It’s going to be a good January. January Goals.

January Goals

No drinking at all. I just have to do it. I know I can do it. I’ll make a sheet and put it on my wall or fridge.

No Porn. Including reddit. I can jerk off as much as I want, but I can’t use porn.

Jan. 4th Pay pet deposit, and ask if Crystal would be okay with me taking Mona back.

Lift at least 3 days a week.

Stay with calorie goals

Only smoke weed on Fri and Sat.

Only eating out twice a week. bonus points if its only once or not at all. Get everything from the MC Class the weekend before.

Pass the MC Class and get my MC License.

Get under 200 lbs

 Try not to eat too much meat. Once a day.

It will be a good month if I can make these goals happen. I will.

Cont on 8/20

I have to buy this house. I will for sure rent it again come September, and by the time 2020 September, I will  be ready to by a house, and I want it to be this house.

525 5th Street

Boulder City, NV 89005

I have the ability to make it happen. JG Delete Facebook. I’m over it. Not JG but I am going to get fucked up tonight. By myself and its going to be something. Probably bad, but whatever. I just don’t care right now. Maybe I’ll care tomorrow. I’m okay with getting fucked up to night. I would love some company, but I feel weird. Not weird, but I don’t want to give the wrong idea. I just have to say no. I have to be in control, and if I can’t next month, I will look into AA and do that. I just don’t have any other options at this point. I’m even drunk and realize that is something that need to happen. If I don’t change. I mean. There’s also a really easy way. One that doesn’t require meetings and you know fully committing to being and ALCOHOLIC.

Cont on 8/18

Am I excited to read this

Stocksmile ended because of me. Okay. Jeag didn’t help at all. We would have kicked him out at some point. I suck. I need to listen to my own music. I do. I listen to what I want. Maybe I move. Maybe I get out of here next Sept. What If I do get the bus et by next Sept and I just leave? I could have like $5000 that will get me a long way. I’ll check it out on Monday.

Cont on 8/19

I could last me a long time if I keep it cheap. Okay. Could be cool. But what would be the ultimate coolest is retiring early. I have time to think about it so whatever tonight. tonight is farewell a farewell to drinking. Only makes it better that I’m alone. Tsvet did invite me to the Henderson Breweries but I’m broke. I have so many options. I want to talk to some one about them. Marlon mention about me getting free counseling. I’m interested. I just want to open up to someone. I wish it was someone was romantically involved with. I has to be someone close to me.

Cont on 8/16

Let’s see whats up 8/19. Just take a look. I got really drunk last night. I don’t even remember going to bed. I guess 4 beers and a half bottle of tequila will do it. I do remember throwing up last night. That was fun. But I’m over it. I could have a lot better day if I didn’t get hammered by 8 o’clock. At least I slept through the hangover, and I’m up early again so that is really cool. I’ll hit him up in a minute. After the first of last sets have him come early! and I didn’t drunk text anyone or drunk FB. I am deleting it though. Probably new years day! I’ll get the numbers I need and then that will be it, do it for good. I can use reddit and stickers and send it to labels and see if they’re done to just share it. Hit up Vegas Weekly and even P.I.V. Session. I don’t need F to promote my music. I just don’t care anymore I get nothing out of FB

Pictures from these days