autist’s guide to small talk (1/7)
autist’s guide to small talk: part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7
What’s the point of small talk?
Chances are, if you’re autistic, you might not want anything to do with this whole small talk thing. Yes, the weather is nice. Yes, it’s nice to meet the other person (or is it?). Why expend so much effort speaking much and saying little? There are a few reasons why small talk is a thing…at least, that we’ve come up with…
Small talk is a way to ease into conversation, especially with people you’ve just met. Typically, if you’re going to work out or do some sort of physical activity, you wouldn’t start sprinting right away. You might begin with some light jogging, or maybe just walking, and then increase the intensity from there.
Many social interactions are the same way. Most people aren’t ready to get into particularly substantial or personal topics of conversation the first time they meet someone. They want to see who you are, what you’re like, and how you might respond to deeper questions or information. After this point, if they do feel comfortable, then there’s a greater likelihood they’ll be interested in having more real conversations.
And small talk is a good way to see if you and the other person have something in common…and if you do, that might be the beginning of a valuable friendship.
Small talk strengthens relationships over time. When it comes to people you already know, small talk is a sign of friendliness. Even when some interactions might seem insubstantial or not terribly informative, it sets a pleasant atmosphere and contributes to other people’s perception of you.
And while it might not be clear what the point of small talk is in one moment, over time, it’s a way of building relationships with people around you, especially those with whom you’ll interact on a regular basis. For example, a classmate you say hi to three times a week might end up being a great study partner, or perhaps you’ll end up going to a social event with them, or maybe you miss a class and they can send you their notes.
And of course, how you communicate is up to you. In keeping with the spirit of judgment-free social skills, the goal of this guide isn’t to tell you that doing this is bad and doing that is good. The suggestions and examples here are intended to serve as a reference point for you to get an idea of what’s considered typical, as well as a source of information to help you see how neurotypicals may perceive these situations. The hope is that this advice will help you feel more confident and comfortable in choosing whatever form of communication works best for you.
When you’re first meeting people in college, you can expect a lot of small talk, because everyone’s trying to understand the social climate and find friends. Chances are, there will be lots of introductions, people asking you the same questions over and over (“What’s your name? Where are you from? What dorm are you in?”), you asking other people the same questions over and over, and many names to learn.
And even once this first wave of getting to know other people subsides, there may be more small talk than you’ve experienced before. We’ve put together some sample questions and answers that can help you get a sense of what to expect/what is considered typical to say, as well as some techniques for dodging unwanted small talk.
This is a part of my Autist’s Guide to College series, a collection of posts on my blog with information and advice for autistic college students. Huge shoutout to @welcome-to-kenowhere for helping compile this!