Realizing things is one of the most difficult things I’ve had to deal with.
Most of the time our rational minds are clever enough to think and process things that happen to us. Sometimes, though, we don’t take the time needed to sit down and run through all we’ve felt properly. Locking every second of the experience in our records and keeping it for later. Understanding every feeling and chewing it, remembering, thinking if it’s worth being saved.
This year, without writing and without venting but only in my mind, I stopped realizing. I would get depressed, numb and do nothing about it, without thinking how bad it was that I wasn’t trying, just because I didn’t feel strong enough. I spent a whole lot of time feeling worthless at work and trying to prove everything to everyone, when I wasn’t even sure of what I wanted. And I got promoted, but I also gained lots of weight. And I went to rehab for my accident but did it all so slowly. And I kept going to my ex’s house to sleep with him and talk two to three words, only that in company. Too scared to say anything to ruin it, as if it wasn’t already ruined from the very beggining. And yes, I planned a great trip overseas with my two friends, and I was TOO close of getting the job of my dreams.... but once all that ended, I knew I was left with nothing.
And only on October 20th I had realized that, October 4th had passed. My no-longer-a-relationship anniversary date, day in wich he had insisted to see me and I’d say yes. The one in which we went to see a boring movie and I fell asleep, not in his shoulder, but against my seat. That one date in which I would say nothing because I didn’t know we were remembering that miracle day we kissed for the first time. A date in which he knew what was happening, but didn’t tell me. 3 years seeing each other, now wasted like that.
So yes, only on October 20th (in a bus stop, and out of the blue) I realized it was time to move on. Because if that day had slipped my mind that easily, there was no reason to think he wouldn’t too, at least eventually. And it wasn’t a feeling only motivated by my ex. It had to do with my approach to life and relationships with everyone I cared about, and how that was falling off the cliff too.
So on October 20th I took my boss to lunch, convinced her to get out of the office and finally gained courage to have a heart-to-heart conversation with her, to start over. The very same day, I planned a date with some random guy I met on Tinder. I would be showing up wearing make-up, a braid and my best dress, waiting to find a dissapointment and being surprised with a kiss in the middle of a hallway. Only to realize it was just the beggining of a new me.
Just as a story-tale sleeping beauty would wake up after years of being dreaming, I woke up from my depression. Things started falling into place, one by one, and there was the key: as one domino piece fell over, the others followed, and everything started happening so that I could start again.
I shared another date with that man, but it was the next one, the one that made me click. It was after a dull first date and in the middle of the second one, sharing sushi and a heartful conversation. I knew my mind wasn’t supposed to fly just like that, but it did. And I listened to him talking about his aspirations, and a little bit of his past... his family and his hobbies... I just saw me but in another body. And I couldn’t help but smile and laugh at everything. So as soon as we were at the door, he leaned over and kiss me, in what I believe has been one of the best kisses I’ve ever had. I don’t believe in love at first sight, so I was caught off guard.
A lot followed, in just two weeks. Wonderful dates and rides in his car, listening to the best playlist ever made. Sharing music and work nightmares during the day. Wonderful food and memories overnight. Seeing each other to often, with dates that always seemed to close to each other for others, but not for us. And then one of those nights we kissed so deeply that we slept together. Not remotely close to my way of doing things, but what felt right at the moment, therefore what had to happen.
And I’m at it know - at times I’ve felt so good with myself and so confident, that my appetite was gone: suddenly I didn’t feel like binging or eating a lot. As for the rest of the time, at least I’m coping. Looking for a new job, playing voleyball again, finishing my degree. things are looking good. Happier than before just because I know I’m trying.
Realizing is a process, it doesn’t happen over time. On October 20th I woke up, and some part of me has been scared I’ll fall asleep again if I don’t watch out. Some days I’ve thought about it as some kind of “alter-ego” that has been taking control of me, over the anxiety-filled, depression-inclined Marina that has been reigning this year. I like this new person I’m feeling I am, though I don’t know for how long she is gonna stay. Some part of her faints every time I doubt. For example, right now as I’m writing, I’m preoccupied he isn’t as in love as I am already, or that I can’t loose enoguh weight. But then I think about the happy moments (in the end, all that you keep)... and I smile. For what counts, in two weeks I haven’t secured anybody, but I’ve secured thousand memories that will make me cringe and laugh and love in the future. And that’s all that counts when you realize.
