Coffee with an old friend..
Grabbing coffee today with my former bible study teacher. I'm sure we'll have a nice time, and I'm aware that my sudden absence has hurt her. She tells me she considers me a daughter. I needed to take time for myself. To silence the noise and really determine what it is that I believe vs. what it is that I was taught.
I wasn't in the mindset where I could sit down with her or anyone from my previous lifestyle and not immediately resort back into the daily routine that was once my life.
I could easily be persuaded, even though I would know that would mean I'd be forfeiting my happiness.
I want and crave unconditional love. For the longest I thought I had it from those I chose to surround myself with, although at the time it didn't seem like a choice. But that wasn't my reality. Everything was based on the condition that we shared the same view points and beliefs. In the very moment that changed they would surely distance themselves from me. I've seen it happen to those close to me, so I decided to distance myself first.
I think it was a way to protect myself. I had to learn that I don't have to share every piece of myself. I don't have to answer a question just because someone inquires. My faith and love for God shouldn't be dictated by the opinions of others.
I had to seek that unconditional love within myself.
I know going to see her today won't change anything for me. But I also know that she'll take my view points as alarming and concerning. She'll think that I've strayed from the truth and my faith. Considering me a lost soul, the numerous unanswered calls from her will stop. She won't text or leave me lengthy voicemails, where she apologizes because she knows I'd rather her just text me. She'll think that she failed. That I've gone off to the world and have been blinded by Satan.
She won't understand that me standing up for myself and living a life that I deserve took so much effort. How difficult it was for me to come to that conclusion.
When I find love, she'll understand that my first marriage did a number on me, but she'll be disappointed that he doesn't share the same views as me. She won't be able to see how much I love and care for that man. How he's taught me so much and healed so much pain. She won't see how happy I am and the effort it took to share my life with someone again.
Every milestone for me now, will be tainted with disappointment in her eyes because I chose a different path than the one she once had envisioned for me.
Thankfully those that get me and understand are still there. If grandma roni can love me through it all and still be proud of the woman I'm becoming then that's all right with me.
That's why I stayed so long, to not disap point or bring shame to those that I truly loved and cared for.
Unconditional love is within me and it surrounds me. I'll be just fine.
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