The Wizard Cafe

on the third floor of Ander's tower. or however else you got here

[wizard-cafe]

As you push past an ancient Pheraldean tapestry (did the Queen's face always look like that?) the warm glow of incandescent orbs hits your eyes and the smell of espresso and ozone permeates the air. Robes, pointed hats, staves and tomes abound. There is a sense of uneasy camaraderie uncommon in the oft-contentious wizard world.

In the corner, shadows shift eerily. Unfamiliar music (which you know by heart) drifts through the room. And at the counter, a barista waits for you to place your order.

🪄Welcome to The Wizard Cafe🪄

Staff on call:

@hubristicwizard: owner and proprietor

@theswampwizard: co-founder

Nominal staff:

@aileaxthevoidien: baker/pastry chef

We have anything, just ask...

[monidoll]

Tip: you can microwave stale croissant for 15-20 seconds and it will become soft and warm and nice. Cut it open, put butter in it. Peace and love

[evil-tips]

Tip: you can refrigerate stale croissant for 3-6 hours and it will become mushy and cold and unpleasant. It won't cut well, so just put a big clump of cold, hard butter on it. Strife and hatred.

[maidthings]

Tip: you can do nothing to a stale croissant for any arbitrary length of time and it will remain as is. Do not cut it, or add butter. Stasis and stagnation.

[8ball-wizard]

Tip: you can cast Butter Blast on practically any pile of pastries to make them absolutely fucking soaked in butter. it's excessive and a little gross. magic and power.

[wizard-cafe]

Tip: you can have Wizard Cafe Staff turn any REGULAR CROISSANT into a STALE CROISSANT with a Minor Charm of Staleness, after which you may do any of the above if you so wish. Coffee and cantrips.

[wizard-cafe]

Do you have a pastry... with uh, cotton shirts in it???

@the-moth-wizard-of-mayhem

We have RAW COTTONBALLS. You may season them.

[the-moth-wizard-of-mayhem]

YOU DO??? I mean, uh.... you do? That's pretty neat

[wizard-cafe]

They cost 5 GOLD COINS each due to WIZARDLY ECONOMIC INFLATION. I hope you understand.

[wizard-cafe]

Do you have a pastry... with uh, cotton shirts in it???

@the-moth-wizard-of-mayhem

We have RAW COTTONBALLS. You may season them.

[wizard-cafe]

TO WHOEVER SUMMONED LOCUSTS IN THE WIZARD CAFE: The Wizard Cafe is not legally liable for damage incurred by spells cast by guests. YOU will held responsible for any damages, physical or emotional, to the cafe or its patrons, and belongings thereof.

ON AN UNRELATED NOTE: LOCUST CAPPUCCINO, LOCUST BISCOTTI, and LOCUST-TOPPED DONUTS are all currently on special! Thank you for supporting the WIZARD CAFE <{:^)

[wizard-cafe]

I have heard of this "hot" new trend called "bowl food" where you eat food out of a bowl. I find this rather intriguing. So, I have journeyed far and wide (for 5 minutes) to this café of yours fo inquire: do you have "bowl food" on your "menus," by any chance?

Only if you put a PASTRY or some COFFEE in a BOWL. otherwise, we do not serve SOUPS, STEWS, SALADS, GRAIN BOWLS, POKÉ BOWLS, PASTAS, or any other BOWL-BASED FOODS.

[mosquito-man-man]

I would like "coffee" (whatever that is) in a "bowl", please. How much does it cost?

[wizard-cafe]

I'll take ONE SILVER for plain black drip coffee in a bowl

[mosquito-man-man]

I must inquire, do you mean that the "coffee" has "drip", as the kids say nowadays? Is it "swaggy"?

I am very curious about this "black drip coffee."

[wizard-cafe]

It's called that because it DRIPS from the TEAT OF THE PERCOLATOR BEAST. and it's black because of that's the color that it is.

unrelated: it is also extremely SWAGGY

[mosquito-man-man]

Thank you. I shall take 5 of these "black drip coffees" to go. In a "bowl". Here's 10 silver. Keep the "change".

[wizard-cafe]

Thank you! Have a nice day!

good luck carrying all those bowls 👍

[wizard-cafe]

I have heard of this "hot" new trend called "bowl food" where you eat food out of a bowl. I find this rather intriguing. So, I have journeyed far and wide (for 5 minutes) to this café of yours fo inquire: do you have "bowl food" on your "menus," by any chance?

Only if you put a PASTRY or some COFFEE in a BOWL. otherwise, we do not serve SOUPS, STEWS, SALADS, GRAIN BOWLS, POKÉ BOWLS, PASTAS, or any other BOWL-BASED FOODS.

[mosquito-man-man]

I would like "coffee" (whatever that is) in a "bowl", please. How much does it cost?

[wizard-cafe]

I'll take ONE SILVER for plain black drip coffee in a bowl

[mosquito-man-man]

I must inquire, do you mean that the "coffee" has "drip", as the kids say nowadays? Is it "swaggy"?

I am very curious about this "black drip coffee."

[wizard-cafe]

It's called that because it DRIPS from the TEAT OF THE PERCOLATOR BEAST. and it's black because of that's the color that it is.

unrelated: it is also extremely SWAGGY

[wizard-cafe]

I have heard of this "hot" new trend called "bowl food" where you eat food out of a bowl. I find this rather intriguing. So, I have journeyed far and wide (for 5 minutes) to this café of yours fo inquire: do you have "bowl food" on your "menus," by any chance?

Only if you put a PASTRY or some COFFEE in a BOWL. otherwise, we do not serve SOUPS, STEWS, SALADS, GRAIN BOWLS, POKÉ BOWLS, PASTAS, or any other BOWL-BASED FOODS.

[mosquito-man-man]

I would like "coffee" (whatever that is) in a "bowl", please. How much does it cost?

[wizard-cafe]

I'll take ONE SILVER for plain black drip coffee in a bowl

[wizard-cafe]

To the Proprietors of Wizard Café

This is the ICTSE, We are contacting you as you have yet to file your tax documents and pay payment. Failure to do so will result in deletion and or imprisonment in the Trash-Folder till a bail equating your owed debt is paid.

Current debt : $23 + a couple cups of coffee, were working overtime tonight :(

From

    @the-ictse

Oh don't worry, I've got my TAX MONEY! I'll need you to come with me to get it though, my COIN VAULT is currently in my BASEMENT LABYRINTH <{:^)

[the-ictse]

*a young man appears, wearing a blue ICTSE uniform. he has bags under his eyes a spectacles*

Hello... You need me to collect your taxes?

[wizard-cafe]

Yep! Just c'mon down to the LABYRINTH with me so we can catch my WANDERING COIN VAULT

[the-ictse]

... Fine, id rather be here than at the office... so lead the way

[wizard-cafe]

Right this way! Watch your step on the flagstone, the mortar causes it to sit against itself at impossible angles. If you hear a bee-like buzzing that makes you feel a deep pit of nausea, walk very quickly in the opposite direction. The COIN VAULT should be wandering around here somewhere...

[the-ictse]

I see....

*carefully crosses, keeping just behind you*

[wizard-cafe]

Ah, here we are! The WANDERING COIN VAULT. Let me just cast IMMOBILIZE on it real quick........

....alright. Please avert your eyes while I open it up, if you would <{:^)

[the-ictse]

*looks away, grumbling*

[wizard-cafe]

Lemme just step in here, aaaand close the door behind me!

TRANSPOSITION SPELL!

[you are now inside the empty vault with a note that reads: "You seem nice but I have never paid taxes and I do not intend to start now. You'll be teleported back to your HQ in a couple of seconds, with a free WIZARD CAFE COFFEE for your trouble <{:^)"

you are teleported back to ICTSE headquarters, moneyless but coffeeful.]

[wizard-cafe]

hello hi hi do you allow pets in this fine arcane establishment?

familiars, service creatures, and well-behaved pets are all permitted in the Wizard Cafe. we reserve the right to determine if a creature's behavior is detrimental to the business and gently remove them from the premises (read: teleport them to just outside of my tower's domain)

[starstorm-wizard]

would you consider hitting the Madonna, the rodeo flip, the air walk, the kickflip mctwist and starring in 80 different movies detrimental to business?

[wizard-cafe]

provided no PROPERTY or CUSTOMERS are damaged, SICK SKATE TRICKS are allowed in the Cafe

[wizard-cafe]

*silently enters the establishment*

…you need a musician? I need a purpose in my life.

-@incrediwizard

I suppose we could establish some sort of lounge hour. What kind of music do you do? Unsettling and alluring? Makes the brain itch? Warms the organs?

[wizard-cafe]

*there is a knock on the door*

how in the WIZARD HELL are you knocking on a tapestry? and also, why? you can just come in <{:^/

[kits-extreme-autism]

Oh ok.

*Hypar walks in*

so uh, im looking for a job

[wizard-cafe]

Ah! You are interested in become a WIZARD CAFE associate? What sort of skills do you possess?

[kits-extreme-autism]

I know fire magic, heat magic, and a little bit of time magic so I can make food faster

[wizard-cafe]

Excellent! I could use a BAKER to help make all these ECLECTIC PASTRIES. making them all myself while also serving drinks and managing the cafe can be a bit challenging, even for me

[wizard-cafe]

nice place ya got here

*i proceed to begin fading out of existence* aw heck not aga

ANCHORFRUIT SPLASH POTION. should help you stay anchored in existence for a bit. can i help you?

[wizard-cafe]

*there is a knock on the door*

how in the WIZARD HELL are you knocking on a tapestry? and also, why? you can just come in <{:^/

[kits-extreme-autism]

Oh ok.

*Hypar walks in*

so uh, im looking for a job

[wizard-cafe]

Ah! You are interested in become a WIZARD CAFE associate? What sort of skills do you possess?

[wizard-cafe]

(A figure wearing a coat and hat approaches the counter, their form beneath obscured by smoke and motion blur. They emit a hum like a distant highway at dusk, and smell faintly of cigarettes and car exhaust.)

Hello can I have a glass of water please

Sure, buddy. TAP WATER is free but PURIFIED or SPARKLING water is gonna run you a couple of coppers

[wizard-cafe]

Hello, do you mayhaps have..... a cotton shirt or anything of the like?

-the-moth-wizard-of-mayhem

Hmmm.......I can make you a nice cup of LOOSE-LEAF COTTON TEA, if that would suffice? I might have a cotton tablecloth lying around...

[wizard-cafe]

*there is a knock on the door*

how in the WIZARD HELL are you knocking on a tapestry? and also, why? you can just come in <{:^/