a.g. hall

Je pense toujours à toi.

[wordsandworldsofwonder]

I can’t figure out why you can’t fall in love with me when falling in love with you felt like exhaling. Effortless and natural.

I think I’ll mourn this for years

Mourn when another holds me (I always have)

Grieve deeply when I see who holds you (I always will)

My father said that maybe you were the prototype, the near-perfect rough draft of something more beautiful still to come

But what if you’re the mold, and no one will ever be able to fill to the edges of what you built?

[wordsandworldsofwonder]

My body has handled a lot of things

It’s taken the blows of my mother’s words

It’s taken bottles of wine at a time for days on end when I realized that I was losing at love

It’s taken immense burden and anxiety weekly as I navigate a life full of small, painful circumstances

It’s taken the weight of men who felt a right to it when it wasn’t offered

It’s taken the lies of one of those men that led to sharing itself with what he left behind

It’s taken on 10 weeks of frustration and depression deep in its womb

It’s taken the unpredictable recovery after I had the last bit of him cut out

It’s taken my grandfather’s whispers and secrets and his hands too

It’s taken the ink on my skin that I asked for

The calming, warm hand of the man who can never love me

The clasped fingers of the friends who keep trying to help me up

I’m desperate to reach the day where I learn what my body is for

And finally just let it rest

[g4meboycolor-deactivated2013071]

[isolationary]

[wordsandworldsofwonder]

Sometimes I think about how one day I’ll wake them up in the middle of the darkness

I’ll pant and bend over the hinges that sit in my stomach

And I’ll shake and sob and try to regain control of my body that seems to belong to everything but me

And I think about how that night will be enough for them

Possibly the hundredth time I’ve woken them in my terror

And they’ll help me steady

And then they’ll leave

Because they know that somewhere someone will let them sleep through the night

[writeness]

one of the best pieces of writing advice i’ve ever gotten:

if a scene isn’t working, change the weather.

it sounds stupid, but seriously, it works. thank u to my screenwriting professor for this wisdom

[wordsandworldsofwonder]

Love letter to the one I’ve loved at the back of my heart for half a decade

I’ve taken the long way to get to you, and I wouldn’t be right for you if I hadn’t.

Sometimes I ache to pull anything in to the vacuum that is me so I can stop imagining you.

It hurts to think that you exist anywhere in the world with that face that you have. The body that carries you around that I want to wrap in mine.

How is every song you?

It’s a cliche but it’s all true.

Every note is your soul, pounding on the inside of my ribs.

I think one day soon we’ll sit down and talk about nothing important

Because the days we could’ve been braver are long gone and swallowed by the time we wasted.

I’m afraid of the hurt I’ll feel just to look at you.

That pain has cracked my chest open and you’re still 1000 miles and a year and a half behind me.

I don’t know how to love someone this much I don’t have enough body for it.

[neckkiss]

[neckkiss]

[neckkiss]

[neckkiss]

[neckkiss]

[just-wanna-travel]

[grunge-top]

[untrustyou]

[wheretheartthou]

Couple in a photo booth, 1953

[wordsandworldsofwonder]

Poems before and after

August 24th

To know the vastness of you now feels like a privilege

You are abounding gentleness

Soft to the touch/soft when you touch

I’ve never been so enveloped by care

I want your arms belting me to your chest my whole life.

September 28th

Today, I watched a video of you watching a cat

Your abounding gentleness was my favorite part of you

I reveled that a presence so large could be so soft

You were complimenting the cat’s big stretches as you crouched

I cried when I filmed it and cried today when I watched

I had never experienced gentleness before

I’ll never trust it again.