The Things You Would Have Said @wouldhavesaid - Tumblr Blog

My Dear Teacher

Dear Mr, I was once in love with you. It's been such a long time... I still remember how happy you made me feel. I always looked forward to your classes, even though we didn't talk much and I never had the chance to get to know you better. I felt instantly attracted to you, the fact that you were at least 17 years older than me didn't matter at all. I loved you as much as a teenager's heart can love someone. It's crazy how much I still miss you. I know you don't feel the same way, I know I won't see you again, but I think at least you deserve to know that somebody was once madly in love with you. That's all. Take care. Always yours, Once a student, age 18

I Love You Too

Dear Granddad, Whenever I think of you, all I can remember is that awful moment on the hill, on what would be one of the last summers I saw you. I was a petulant, angered teen and just wanted to have my own way all of the time. You were a man in less than perfect health (no one could have known the sudden circumstances of your death) who just wanted to enjoy a life that hadn't always been pleasant. You told me, despite my repulsive mood, that you would do anything you could for me - cut your own arm off even. I walked away because I've never handled emotional situations well. I probably didn't even talk to you much for the rest of the holiday. Or the years. Just when we all came together in summer. I can't even remember the last words we spoke or even where they happened. It was such a long time from that day to your death hundreds of miles from us. But I wish I would have told you how much you meant to me too. I love you. I've never been the same without you and I wish I would have talked to you more and found out more about your history. I remember how kinds you were, how funny and loving and I think the world feels the loss of you as much as I do. Please know I'm sorry and I'd do anything to have you back or change the way I treated you. Love, Tessa, age 20

You Make me Uncomfortable

Dear You, You make me uncomfortable. I don't know if you this, I don't know if you're aware, or if you can't tell because you're uncomfortable too, or if you just haven't noticed yet, but you make me so incredibly uncomfortable. This is because I'll never be able to tell you who you are to me. Acquaintances at best, and I love to imagine all the beautiful things that must go through your head, all the beautiful things i'll never get to know. I don't know if I love you, but I do know that I want to be around you all the time. I want to know you, I want to know why you are who you are, and what makes you happy so that I can learn how to make you happy. I don't know why I want you to be happy, but I know that it's my fault for never having the courage to see if I love you, to see if I can help you. It's my fault for never having enough courage to tell you that I want to explore you more than anything in the world and I'll never get to. Love or not love, Me, age 17

Changing my Stripes

To those with a disability, I regret the day I did not speak up when I saw him ridicule people with disabilities. It is a day I struggle with often in my conscious. I have grown up knowing, caring for, and loving people with disabilities but my voice remained silent as he continued his act of ignorance. I chose not to act out of fear, fear of being singled out and ridiculed myself, rather than acting out of love. It was someone stronger than me, a surprising someone, who spoke up as ally for those that were not even present. A confrontation I was too scared to make but relieved to witness. And yet, I am left with embarrassment. and shame Not speaking up is like being a part of it, as if I condoned his hurtful behavior or, even worse, chose to ridicule others myself. I think of the kids I watched my mother teach and tutor, these wonderful human beings who deserved more than silence from me that day. The kids whose unique qualities and strengths humble me as I think of how they shined through their struggles and triumphs. What they deserved was someone who was willing to be different, to speak up and open up to being vulnerable so that strength could stream out. They deserved an ally, not a coward. I wish I could go back and be that ally. I am sorry I was not. Working to be an ally, age 32

I Need to Be Brave

My love, There have been more than one occasion when my family members made racist comments in your presence. Each time, I froze and felt like I was on fire. I didn't know what to do. I was afraid of insulting or angering my family, while both of us were insulted and angered. After the moment passed so many things rushed through my head about what I wish I would have said. "You racist bastards! You'll never be half the person he is!" "My latino husband has treated me better than all of your boyfriends combined!" That was the anger screaming in my head. What I really wish I would have said is "That is racist, ignorant and offensive" and I wish I would have walked out. But I was weak. I like to think if it were to happen today I would react differently. I want to be brave and strong for you because you always have been for me. If the roles were reversed, you would never speak to your family again if they insulted me like that. And that is what I will remember. You deserve me to stand up for you and not let their ignorance be ok. Be patient with me. This awareness of our differences, even after six years, is newer to me than to you. I will do what I can to defend your honor because you deserve it more than most men I know. I love you and I'm sorry I didn't say anything. But I'm saying it now. Me, age 24

To my beloved Emmijane

E, No matter what your friends have told you or led you to believe, my love for you is neither a mid-life crisis or an infatuation. I love you! It's been over a thousand days, and I still miss you. I've tried dating other women, but I just can't get you out of my head and my heart. If you ever come to realize how much I love you, then the door is open and I'd would be happy to try again. Otherwise, I foresee myself living the rest of my days alone until they play the old George Jones song titled "He Stopped Loving Her Today" at my wake. A, age 58

I need to consider myself a lucky one…

Dear Matt, I need to consider myself a lucky one… I have experienced a true love. A soulmate. The kind of love that runs so deep you wonder years later if it has somehow become apart of your blood. Moving thru your body as the very essence of life itself… a love that provides the oxygen you need to live even if it is now no longer present. The slightest memory of a time we shared now brings on a grimace of pain. A shortness of breath and a deep sigh of regret. I have many regrets. You are my biggest. I thought I was being so clever by not “settling early”… instead I have now lost the biggest love of my life. I never even allowed myself to enjoy it fully. Cut off in the earliest of stages with the best intentions of those who imposed the severing of our hearts. My heart breaks again to remember that last night spent under the stars… full of stars and tears. A love so young yet so deep and true. You were my world and my future. Now almost 10 years later… you are married, have opened a successful restaurant, and I probably never cross your mind. I need to move on and let you go. Even writing those words brings tears to my eyes and I lose my breath. I tried to erase you but you still haunt me. Your kind eyes. Your gentle spirit. Your undying love in spite of my terrible coldness. God you loved me. How could I have been so foolish to let you go? I have written you many apology letters. None of which will ever reach your eyes now. However this is not one of those… apologizing to you. This letter is a thank you to you and an apology to me. Thank you for allowing me to experience a love so great I will never ever forget it. Thank you for being an example of what unrequited love looks like. A role model in so many ways. I am angry at myself for only now coming to this conclusion. I love you dearly, and you will forever have a part of my heart. However… I need to move on. I need to go find love again. A true love like ours used to be. I can no longer live in the past… the “what could have been”… I am missing out on the present because I am crying over a past that can never be my future. I hope I can now finally look back at your memories with a fondness that no longer clutches my heart and paralyzes my breath. I need this. I have a wonderful man in my life now, and I need to be able to give him all the love he deserves. I cannot do that with you lurking in the dark corners of my memories. So I thank you, and I allow myself to forgive myself for losing you. It is a permission that I have never granted myself, and now I realize that you wouldn't want that for me. So I need to go and live and love and grow and laugh and embrace my failures and past. For indeed I have been very lucky to have known and loved such a man as you. Love, Bird, age 27

The Love I Lost but the Me I Gained Back

Jasmine, Man, it has been 5 and half years since you tried to take your life. It changed my life completely and opened my life to a better life with you and our son. Thank you for not dying on me. It took everything in me to cut you down and revive you. I was horrified for months and months. The image of you hanging in the barn haunted for a long time. I still some nights wake up to that awful image. I wanted to run away screaming but I didn't. You opened your eyes two days later and I feel in love with you all over again. I probably won't be on this Earth if you would of died. We have been through alot and I know our love will only grow even more. You are a blessing and I would be lost without you. I have something to say to you. I am sorry that I was such an evil beast and I wounded and broke your heart and soul so much that I drove you to try and commit suicide to escape me... but you succeed a different way. You left me and took our son completely away from me. That broke me completely and humbled me so much. I wish you could see me now. I wish you could see that I am becoming the person you always knew I was. I miss you and Briar all the time. I walk this Earth now with so much LOVE and compassion for all. I just can't get to your heart anymore and it hurts but it heals me more and more each day. THANK YOU for leaving. Thank you for taking care of our son. Thank you for LOVING him more and wanting the best for him. With that being said. Know that I will ALWAYS LOVE you and you will ALWAYS have a special place in My heart. Our son is like Me but like you also. I hear your name and I smile but I get tears in My eyes. You LOVED ME with ALL of you and yet I couldn't give you My all. Now I can and you don't want ME anymore.... I am sorry from the depths of My Soul, Spirit and with ALL My heart, body and mind. I LOVE YOU Jasmine and I LOVE YOU Briar...... I AM sorry. Forgive Me. I Love You and Thank you.... Sincerely, Gabriel aka PuppyWolf, age 36 Te Amo Para Siempre Amor

I'm Sorry I wasn't enough

Dear Jeff, It's almost been a year since you came back into my life. As I sit and look back it's been a crazy roller coaster. This friend I had not seen from High School came back into my life at tough time for me and made my heart sing, gave me a smile I didn't know I had. How things change. Something fell apart, walls went up, and when those go up it's hard to be the person on the other side. I'm sorry I never said exactly what I felt I always was afraid to say the wrong thing and in effect that hurt me too. You are a wonderful, amazing, loving person and I'm sorry I couldn't be the person you wanted me to be. I'm sorry you always felt someone was going to hurt you...all, in all I'm just sorry..sorry that the smile will never..never be the same again. I'll always love you.. Love, Me, age 43

You Jump, I jump. Remember?

K, Remember that day when you said my charm doesn't work on you? Remember that day when I assholingly asked you how much you weigh? Remember that day when the two of us were watching Pitch Perfect in the middle of a rehearsal and we were arguing because I only wanted to see the parts where they were singing but you wanted to understand the story? Remember that day when we were dancing and you took your high heels off because you were too tall? Also that day when I took your hand to guide you off the stairs because you can't see the steps with your gown? Remember the days when we would get to school really early just to spend time with each other without (y)our friends seeing us? Remember the first time I called you just because I was bored and curious about what you were doing? Remember those days when I would pick three six-petaled White Angels and give it to you first thing in the morning? Remember when I left my sister's parade just to make sure you get home safe and sound and then you hugged me for the first time? Remember my Birthday? Remember the last Friday before the first Periodical Exam? Remember Jack and Rose? Romeo and Juliet? Us? Well, I didn't. I didn't remember all these when I left you. All I knew was that I wanted to leave. That I wanted to be free. But I had a reason, of course; I wasn't happy anymore. But I was wrong - and will never be more wrong. It was not even an "I am not happy anymore" situation. It was just an "I am not happy right now" situation. I could've saved it. I could've just calmed down and let that bad week pass without thinking it is because of you. I was so immature and irrational for leaving you. I mean, who the hell would let a girl who changed him so drastically go? Who the hell would hurt a girl who only wants to spend her life with him? Who the hell is that stupid? I am that stupid. I am, that stupid. I miss the feeling of your hand in my hand, the feeling of your lips on my lips, the feeling of my lips on your hand. I miss that feeling when you smile for me, or when you pierce my soul with your eyes, or when you whisper really close (and hot) to my ear. I miss you - everything about you. And I want you back, K. I don't want you to move on. I don't want you to hold someone else's hand, I don't want you to be kissed anywhere by someone else, ever. I am selfish. But I want you back, forever. I want you back so bad because I realized that I am nothing without you. That only you can tame my demons. That only you are the one I truly loved; and that I still love you - everything about you. It still breaks my heart to see you crying. It even breaks my heart worse than it did when I can still do something about it. Let me do something about it. Your own Jack Dawson and Romeo Montague, L, age 19

I'll Just Be Waiting

Dear C, You would have thought I was still head over heels in love with you. You would have thought that I still cannot let a single day go by without crying for what could have been. You might think that I still hate you. You might think that I'd still do whatever it takes to get you back. That whenever I see you waiting for your crush in the hallways of our school building, I'd go curse that girl and feel so bad about myself. But no. Not anymore. I've always thought that timing was the one single reason why we didn't work out. I keep on telling everyone that I've moved on, or that I'm in the process of moving on. It's true. I can't totally get rid of you because of the circumstances involving our block section. I can't get rid of you, and you can't get rid of me. So, we better just suck it up. But the truth is, I miss you. I miss talking to you, I miss having to be the one who makes you laugh, I miss you making me laugh, I just simply miss your presence. What good does it make, having to see you everyday, just meters away from me, but not being able to talk to you like what we used to? It's been almost a year since all that. And lately, everything seems going back to normal. We're hanging out again, talking like normal people without all that awkward stuff exes go through. So here's the thing. I want this. I want this so bad. But I know in myself that it can never be enough. Every single day we get closer to each other once again just makes me want you more. No matter how many times I tell myself that you're never gonna get me back, it just fades away the moment we talk. So, I'm just gonna wait here. I'm not assuming anything. Waiting doesn't mean I'm hurting. 2 years left on our college life and desperate it may seem, I'll always be here waiting. Waiting for the time when you will go talk to me and tell me that you wanted it all to go back to what it used to be. What you and I used to be before you left. And this time, you're going to tell me that finally, our timing's perfect. Your Hi-C buddy, age 18

All the Reasons Why

Amy, What I should have said was that I'm a neurotic child who lashes out at others to compensate for the faults I find in myself. If I had told you this up front, then maybe things would have been different. What I should have said was that I'm quicker to point out flaws than bestow praise. Maybe you wouldn't have had to guard your words for fear of engaging a grammar nazi. What I should have said is that meeting new people sometimes terrifies me. Maybe you wouldn't have had to spend so much time defending my anti-social behavior to your parents. What I should have said was nothing. Maybe you wouldn't have felt guilty just for trying to help. What I should have said was "I'm sorry." Maybe you would have stressed less. What I should have been was sorry. Maybe I wouldn't be so now. Respectfully, MD, age 27

Into the Universe

Dearest Halbes, It's New Year's Day. Last night, my thoughts were going around and around in my head always coming back to you. I kept wondering if I should send you a message or if that would offend you. I don't even know if you want to hear from me or if you're glad to be rid of my drama. So I am sending this out into the universe hoping you can sense how much you mean to me, how much I hope that life holds only happiness in store for you and how much I miss our friendship. I can't listen easily to our favourite songs. It weighs down my heart so much. I often talk about the things you used to say and do and suddenly realize that I'm stuck in the past. Stuck, stuck, stuck. Walking across the Christmas markets this year I kept looking for a sun and moon feng shui light catcher like the one I broke years ago that your mom had given you. I so wanted to find one hoping I could send it to you and you'd realize all those things I can't say. That I love you. That I never could forget the things that matter to you. That I'm helplessly stuck in my own maze of disconnectedness and that nothing of what I feel is your fault. Soon it will be Marie's first birthday and I hate not being in her life and yours, but it hurts so much. Knowing I will probably never have children of my own throws me. Everytime I see n pregnant woman, everytime my niece wants to play pretend that I'm her mom, pretty much all the time. I don't know when I went from being ordinarily overwhelmed by the shit life throws at us to fighting for my life for the sake of the people I love and care about so much that they are the sole reason I'm holding on. You are one of those and I hope that I'll win this fight and that I'll have the chance to show you that I never left you behind and always held you close to my heart. I really hope that some part of you - despite time and distance - reserves a spot for me in your life until I am ready again to join the 'living'. Because I do love you. Your clinically depressed ex-roomy and best friend, Halbes, age 32

Goodbye, Again

Dear Mom,

I thought a letter like this would start with fuck you. But I can't be angry anymore. I spent twenty long years being angry and when I sealed my letter and sent it off to the judge, it wasn't because I didn't know if I could take the podium and look you in the eye in court. It was because I have always known how to write what I cannot say. And that letter didn't start with fuck you, either. It told a story of a girl who wasn't safe, a girl who has grown to seek her own safety whether or not it is given. I thought you owed me a childhood and happiness, but now I realize that only I owe myself happiness. I have sealed that letter and I have sealed away our relationship, but also I have forgiven. I pity you, Mom.

The last time we ever spoke, I asked you why, after kicking me out at fourteen for no particular reason, you didn't contact me for four months. "I was your daughter," I cried, and again you made excuses for the love you wouldn't give. My happiest memory of childhood was one of the many times I ran away, huddled in the back seat of the car with my sister at night, wasting gas to stay warm. That was family to me. But now I have many happy memories. I have the love of my life and a safe home and an education and most of all, I have a future. I don't know if I'll ever speak to you again; I doubt it. But I am happy, Mom. And I hope to God you find some happiness in your world, I really do.

Sincerely, C, age 22

Now That it's Over

Paul,

I'm tired. I'm tired of letting you down. Tired of never being enough. Tired of being stonewalled. Tired of being left. Tired of your wandering eyes.

I am tired of writing. Explaining. Crying. Fighting. WONDERING. Wondering, what it is, exactly, that you're looking for and why any man would give a year and a half of his life to someone he found so unattractive and so unlovable?

All this time I rationalized for you. You were hurt. I thought years of pain were bringing you down and you were love-starved. I thought if we went slow, we'd be okay in the long run.

But okay doesn't cut it anymore. If okay means holidays without each other, I don't want okay. If okay means overreacting to normal human emotions with a breakup ("for real this time") only to come back two days later, I need not have it.

I just can't do it anymore. I can't keep waiting for you to wake up and love me the way I deserve to be loved.

You will be 41 in two weeks. If you haven't learned how to keep good thing when you have it, there's a small chance you ever will.

I want someone who is ready for marriage. Not the theory. Not the idea. Not the hope that when you finally do "it," you won't end up miserable like the people that got married because it was the thing to do.

You don't have to worry about ending up miserable -- you're already there. Half your life is over and you have nothing to show for it except another failed relationship.

Why would you ever subject yourself to this year long headache with me? In NYC? You live in the heart of the meatpacking district. The MECCA of sexy, skinny girls looking for traders. That is what you want, isn't it? Someone "easy?"

Because that's what I want too. Easy. He will be sexy and skinny and our relationship will be superficial and I will never have to write him love letters like this. He will not make pasta from scratch or read poems or know that wearing socks with slippers is the appropriate dress code for kicking it back in a Russian household. He will never debate the Oxford comma with me or teach me the appropriate way to eat an oyster. When he goes to China on a business trip, I will never have to worry about him reaching out to me because he will not be going to China. He will never challenge me or force me to grow and he will never overlap with the hold you have on my heart.

I look back on how much I loved you and it makes me sick to my stomach. I loved you, all the time, without condition, and that is the only reason we lasted so long. I loved you when you were painfully under-slept and in those rare moments you showered me with beautiful, unadulterated affection. The truth is, I know we both can be happier.

And here I am now, releasing you. I couldn't give you happiness, so now I'm giving you the only thing I can: my blessing to go find it.

Natalie, age 22

My Lost Love

Dear Emily,

When we first me you were only 16 and I was 19. I would flirt with you all the time, although I’m not sure if you noticed or not. I knew that it wasn’t ok for us to be together as I was in college and you were still in high school, but I still had feelings for you and would think about you all the time. Then when you came to the same college as me I was incredibly happy, but at the same time, I didn’t want to start a relationship when I was graduating only three months later. So instead of hanging out with you, I allowed you to go your own way during the brief time that we were reunited. Now that you are 20 and I am 23, I wish I would have said something to you sooner, or even that I could have the courage to say something to you now.

I know that we want different things out of life, but I would give all of those things up in order to be with you. You are the most beautiful, intelligent, funny, sexy, and wonderful woman I have ever met, and instead of taking a chance and risking it all, I’ve been to afraid of being rejected. All I have had the last four years are hopes and dreams that somehow we would be brought together, but instead of making that connection happen, I’ve been clinging to those feelings out of a fear of losing that hope forever.

My desire to be with you is now being pitted against my dreams about us being together, and I don’t know if I have the courage to risk my hope for the real thing. I wish that I would have told you everything the moment that you turned 18. Every year for your birthday I planned on confessing and giving you a bouquet of your favorite flowers: white daisies. Instead, with each passing birthday I get less and less likely to express my love towards you, silently telling myself that you aren’t interested and will be better off without me; that it could have been beautiful, but we just weren’t meant to be together.

You are the piece missing in my life, John, age 23

The Things I Never Say

Dear M,

Whenever we speak, we go around in circles. In the end it all ends up the same way it always has and we both just feel pain. I always say I have said everything I have needed to, but it's never the case; I always hold back because the truth is, I worry I will hurt you too much by being brutally honest.

I wish I could tell you to stop being a victim.

I wish I could shake you and tell you to be responsible for yourself and your behavior and your actions and stop blaming the world for what has gone wrong in your life and what will continue to until you take control of it and yourself and admit to your part in all of it.

I wish I could stop blaming everyone else for what has gone wrong in your life and hold you responsible for your actions and behavior and accept what has happened between us.

Some days I really hate you, I hate your depression and your addiction and the fact that you chose them over us.

And I hate that I don't really know how you are feeling and what you are going through and how to help you. I feel selfish that I feel better when I don't think about you.

I feel bad when I enjoy myself and forget about you. I don't know how to be your friend. There are too many things unsaid and unresolved to just move on as friends and it never seems to work when we try because of it.

I wish I could cut you out of my life until I feel better.

I hate that I'm still defending you to people I love and love me and you never defended me in the first place.

Not when I was the only one helping you or looking after you, nor before.

I just want to accept the past for what it is and let go.

I want to stop making excuses for you and for me too and I want to hold you responsible forwhat went wrong even as much as I do myself, despite of your struggles.

I hope you can make peace with your past and focus on the present, I hope you find your happy place and I'm sorry I couldn't take you there.

"If you tell a truth it becomes a part of your past, if you tell a lie it becomes a part of your future."

This is what you never understood.

And that is ultimately why things fell apart, and it's not to say you weren't suffering or still aren't, but there comes a point in everyone's life when you need to decide when enough is enough, when you can no longer try for someone else when they don't try for themselves.

But I'll never say all this to you, because even with the distance between us now I would never desert you and all you would have to do was ask and I would be there to get you through anything you needed, even when you don't deserve it, because that's how love is.

Hopefully one day that love will be a healthy love of a dear old friend and the past will just be the past and the future is bright for both of us in our chosen lives.

I wish you nothing but good things, and for me too,

J x, age 29

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