brave, not fearless

too rotten and broken to love and be loved

[myblog-is-great]

[danger]

[perrfectly]

Credits belong to owner x

[pusheen]

[lohver]

[nevver]

Moods

[lilium]

[goalsforthesummer-deactivated20]

[writingitdown]

How do I allow myself to feel the things I’m too afraid of feeling? How do I peel back the armor to get to deeper meaning? All I ever wanted was to find some peace, but instead I always find myself in pieces.

[novemberschopin]

[yesterseconds]

July 17, 2018 11:12pm

It’s an enigma to me, you know, after experiencing a prolonged intimacy with someone, why people are never satisfied with whatever they have. Like getting what you want only leaves you wanting more, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But in romantic affinities—not necessarily relationships, and definitely one that isn’t polyamory—I don’t understand how you can be so lacking sometimes. I mean maybe this enigma is all just personal to me, because I don’t understand what I lacked that you’d still desire something more, or something else.

How am I not enough?

And then people would tell you that you’re not at fault, that it was the other person, not you. Or you simply don’t have what they’re looking for.

But what else would you be looking for when it’s all you’d ever want? Connection, spontaneity, meaningful conversations, stimulating arguments? The kinda relationship that helps your grow, that makes you want to be a better version of yourself?

How can you not be enough?

How is this not enough?

[yesterseconds]

This recurring need for control is beginning to really, really, exhaust me.

Wow, yeah, I haven’t written for a while.

It’s been a year and a month since we moved to Canada. And I don’t know where to begin. I’m just writing again because my thoughts are becoming too much, my emotions are excessive I needed to spill them out somewhere. I also miss writing. 

Where do I begin?

I don’t think I can even begin from the proper beginning, because I’m not in a good enough shape to organize whatever fuckery has blasted inside my system. I’m lost in my own headspace. I’m drowning in my thoughts. I’m caught up in a war between my desire for logic and my determination to understand my emotions. And I really just want to get everything out of my system.

I don’t know if this setup will continue to work for me because I’m starting to feel things that are against the FwB policy. I mean, I don’t even know if that was the established setup, but with how things have been going between us so far, that’s the most logical assumption. 

But see, the thing is, I don’t know what I want. And I may be trying to gloss it over with saying I simply am fine with anything. I wasn’t accustomed to talk about what I want in the first place, so at one point I guess I just stopped ‘wanting’ things. I grew up hating having to rely on others so I find it hard to ask for favors, or to ask for anything at all with regard to myself. I didn’t know how to do it. It kills me to do it. 

I don’t like it. This. This rollercoaster ride of emotions. I feel too much to the point of feeling nothing. I lose control over myself when I allow myself to feel for people. And it’s ironic, because I would prefer this. I feel nothing most of the time so I deliberately hurt myself to feel something—at least that way I know I’m alive.

Yet this whole clusterfuck of feelings is messing me up to my core. 

And I can’t function. It’s starting to get bad again. It’s getting bad, getting bad.

[Unfinished]

[nevver]

East of Eden, Karol Palka

[extramadness]

[summersweeet]

[6i]

in your 20’s find a balance between hustle & rest. you don’t need to have a love life or a soulmate figured out. go travel the world. battle your demons. set up a business, find people who value your heart & yours will attract. don’t live in the past, you have so much more to see

[wtfzodiacsigns]

What People Immediately Judge You On, All About Your Zodiac

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

It’s automatically assumed you’re going to be so pushy and arrogant that if you even show the smallest bit of inconsideration, we will come down on you like a pack of wolves. You silly sheep, you.

Aries, you’re a hot head, we all know it, and you simply don’t have us fooled. That’s what we think of you.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

When we think of Taurus, we immediately get anxious because we know about that “stubborn” thing. and guess what? It bores us. You can’t have it your way all the time, and so, what we do is we start to bypass you when it comes to decision-making. You’re that juror who won’t let the verdict just be. You have to contend because… you’re Taurus.

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