naive unsatisfiable baby 2.0

all tumblr does is make me suffer

[yvnabortnik]

ofdevburroughs​:

-

A soft gust of air escaped through Dev’s nose, the corners of her lips pulling up in a soft little smile. She hated how fragile she felt, but she found she didn’t mind it so much when Yana seemed to know exactly how to handle her. When to be serious, when to be tender, when to make her smile. It didn’t feel like she was being held together, forced to remain the shape she was before, she was just being held. She took pause from her self assigned task for a moment to lean against the edge of the pantry door, looking in on the other. “ I don’t know, I think I’d still like you. ” She said, pretending to think on it. As if she’d even been able to really imagine her life without Yana since they became close freshman year. She reached out her hand, “ You’d make such a cute little monster. ” She teased with confidence, pinching Yana’s arm with a sweetness before she turned to return to the task of unpacking.

“ Men. ” She stated plainly in response, joining in on the half-joke with a disappointed shake of her head. But her expression quickly cracked, making way for the relaxed ease that was slowly sinking into her. Though that ease halts a little as Yana continues. Yes, her family had this meeting place of sorts, happy memories galore from what she could tell. But she’d never really experienced it. Not the way she thought she was entitled to. They weren’t her memories. But it hardly compared. Even not being able to be here, she had been a lucky child. 

Before she could respond however it was onto the next. And the question made her fall silent a moment. Unintentionally allowing the beat until Yana spoke again and Dev overlapped the end of it. “ No, it’s okay. It’s happening so it’s, like, ” She finished her statement with a shrug, one of her arms lifting with it. She didn’t really have the words for it. It was happening. It sucked. It was beyond her control. All she could do was try and soak in the time she had with this place. Make the most of it. Those had been her mother’s sage words of advice. “ Um, after we’re done here my dad and my aunt will probably really sort through it. Pack everything up, clean up the garden and all the landscaping probably. So maybe a month, or a little longer, before they get a realtor to look at it. ” She spoke through the process as it had been explained to her. She didn’t really get it. She didn’t know how long it would take, but it had barely started and already she ached. But, she pushed through. Her tone lightening, more life to it as she spoke again, “ But before it goes, ” She started, finished with the fridge and now neatly folding the bags things had been in. “ We get the chance to make some memories here. And I’m glad, because you guys are my family too. It feels right we’re all here together before it moves on and starts a new life. You know? It’s cool. ” It was totally fucking cheesy, but she meant it completely. 

.

Yana was sentimental about loads of things, but she’d never been too sentimental about places. Not enough to not want to let them go, at least. She’d miss New Hampshire because that’s where she met all her friends from college, but when she packed it up and left she had a hard time imagining she’d ever be back. And she missed Michigan in the way someone might miss the concept of childhood, as the two things were obviously intertwined, but she didn’t really miss her childhood house. Or living in it. She felt guilty for the distinct lack of homesickness. It was only a little complicated. But Yana was built to jump ship when the time came, onto the next thing—the next step on her path toward her goals. If things had been different, maybe she would be too.

“And I mean it when I say that I’m super grateful you decided to share it with me. With all of us,” Yana said sincerely, picking up a can of soup. Campbell’s chicken noodle. Her trashy favorite. Dev remembered, and something in Yana’s chest ached a little at the thought. “It’s really special, being here. And it’s cool to literally step into a piece of your life growing up. I feel like I’m treading around your psyche a bit. Let me know if I start stomping too hard.” Which was, of course, a very real possibility. Yana picked up a couple other cans of soup, watching as Dev worked, then gasped a little when a thought occurred to her.

“I have an idea. And feel free to tell me it’s stupid. It might be stupid. But... we should start collecting stuff around here, like maybe some flowers out back and then we can press or dry them or something. And then a picture or two of you as a kid out here.” She picked up the last can of soup then turned back to the pantry, raising her voice as it went a little muffled. “Something of your Gammy’s. Small and Elvis-themed, like maybe she has one of those collectible spoons. Or something. Just small stuff.” She stacked the soups methodically. “Then we can put together a memory box, for your Gammy and this place. Surely you’re allowed to keep some things for yourself.”

[yvnabortnik]

levitowsley​:

-

I come bearing gifts. Levi was sat on a couch in the living room, adjusting the settings on his camera, when he heard Yana’s voice. Immediately, a brow of his quirked, unsure how he felt about what was in her hands. He watched the photo album drop to the coffee table, dust coming off of it in a cloud when it landed. He stared at it like Yana had just tossed roadkill in front of him before slowly, he raised his gaze to see what else she had found in the storage room. Drum roll, please. For her sake, he reached forward and patted the short table in front of him three times. Slow. Lackluster. The world’s most unimpressive drum roll, if it could even be called that. But it was something.

Monopoly. If Yana was expecting thunderous applause, she had the wrong crowd. Levi didn’t feel strongly about it. He much preferred chess. But of the board games a person could play with many people, he supposed he liked it best, having played it many times before with his cousins growing up. He waited patiently to see what the next one was. Clue! My all-time fave. Maybe he was just a sucker but he was endeared by Yana’s enthusiasm. It managed to pierce through the wall of disinterest Levi carried around himself. There was soft lift to a corner of his mouth as he looked at her now. “I wouldn’t off myself if we played Monopoly,” he began. “But you said you liked Clue so let’s play that. I’ve never played it before.” A lie. But he was sure Yana would get a thrill out of explaining the game to him so that’s why he said it.

.

Her chest already felt a little lighter at the look on Levi’s face. And when he did give in and do the drumroll, she rolled her eyes with a burgeoning smile at his lifeless performance. Admittedly, she was entertained by the lazy lack of enthusiasm as if it were a bit. She pretty much always got a kick out of it. “This is why I keep you around. When a guy’s got high-value Hype Man status like you do, a girl like me would be stupid not to pin ya down. Your energy’s addictive,” Yana said, lowering herself to the ground opposite him. Her skin still prickled uncomfortably, and she ran a hand down her arm in an attempt to quell the feeling. But it clung to her like the dust in the air. I wouldn’t off myself if we played Monopoly. She snorted and clumsily adjusted her position from her knees so her legs were folded crisscross beneath the table.

 A beat passed. “You’ve never played Clue before?” she confirmed, then tapped the top of the box twice with her index finger. “And I need to make peace with the fact that you’re probably going to end it all after you degrade yourself by learning how to?” Yana paused and laid a hand over her heart. “Levi...” She smiled again. “You’re so self-sacrificial. Like, literally.” Yana nudged the box with her knuckle, always fiddling with what was in front of her, then settled her elbows on the table. “My dad actually has the Family Guy version of Clue, so it’s all... It was Stewie in Peter and Lois’ room with a bowl of poisoned clam chowder. But the same rules apply. Maybe not as complicated and fancy as Chess, but it’s still a game of strategy.” Decisively, she added, “You’ll like it. And if not, then we’ll pull out Monopoly to resuscitate you.” A little distractedly, Yana gaze fell to the camera in Levi’s hands. “Is your go-to game piece the boot or the dog?”

[yvnabortnik]

where: the living room when: day 1, post-arrival and picking rooms and... etc. 👻 ;-) who: open @phantasmhq​​​

Yana entered the living room sneezing. She felt a little off-kilter—wobbly in the way she always was when she’d hear a slammed door or a clap of thunder. Perpetually on edge, in a lot of inconvenient ways. Ready to jump right out of her socks in the face of sudden movement, or even a tap on her shoulder. It was a source of entertainment for a lot of people in her life, which was pretty fair sometimes. But she also liked to think that despite those initial, pearl-clutching physical reactions, that she was mostly levelheaded. She didn’t like when the jumpy feeling lingered. “I come bearing gifts,” she announced, sniffling a little in the wake of the sneeze. Her nose wrinkled up. “There is so much dust in that storage room. I should’ve gone in with a hazmat suit.”

Yana shifted the items in her arms, then made the decision to stack them one-by-one onto the coffee table. “So, there’s precious Burroughs family memories, which I’m gonna hand off to Dev,” she continued, half-preoccupied but working not to be, and let the photo album fall to the table with a dull thud. “And let’s see... coming in hot, we’ve got... drum roll, please.” She paused. “Monopoly.” The grubby box was placed down next. “And then? Well, would you look at that—” Yana continued with a small grin, a little tense around the corners, then put on a more serious face as she turned the box for inspection. “Clue! My all-time fave.” With raised brows, she put it down on top of Monopoly. She felt weird. She wanted to shake it off. “Tell me: which one are you more likely to play with me?”

[yvnabortnik]

ofdevburroughs​:

-

For a moment Dev thinks Yana story might be a change of topic. One she welcomed gladly. Lips pressed together as she shook her head though she had almost certainly heard the story before. Leaning her weight against the counter behind her for a moment as she listened. But partway through she realised it wasn’t a change of topic. It was connected to the shrine. To Gammy’s room. And though it’s disguised under a little silliness, Dev hears what is being said. It pokes at an already existing inner turmoil but she’s grateful. She straightened a little, hands coming up to counter ledge to push herself off it. “ Duly noted, ” She said, meaning it and meaning that she may take her up on it, meaning that she appreciated it and the way she phrased it. The two words weren’t enough to express all of that but she figured Yana would understand. She always seemed to. “ Thank you, ” She offered a beat later, lips pulled to one side slightly for a moment in a sort of half smile. Just because Yana seemed to always understand her didn’t mean she should go thankless.

And so the two got to work, putting away the things she had brought and making quick work of it. Part of her was grateful, obviously, for the help. But part of her was selfishly a little upset that the task would be over sooner. That, again, she’d have to face this cabin and the feelings that came with it. She focused instead on putting milk away, the eggs sitting safely on a shelf. Yana’s question was a little unexpected– though not unwelcome. Dev just didn’t think it had a particularly interesting answer. “ He lives nearby, comes in every now and again to make sure nothing’s broken in, give it a dust, ” Though he’d sort of slacked on that job. Something that was noticeable in the back of kitchen cabinets and on top of shelves. “ Set mouse traps, like you said, all that ” She said, a quick tilt of her head as she acknowledged Yana was right on the money. “ He’ll probably take in most of this stuff when they sell the place. ” She says, and she tries to make it casual but she hates the fact that they were selling it. That hand in hand this was her first and last chance to experience what her grandmother so loved about this place. “ Until we figure out what to do with it all. ” The reality was the Burroughs would likely get rid of most the things in the cabin, save for maybe the family photos. No space to keep it, no need to keep it, but Dev wasn’t ready to accept that. 

.

Thank you. Yana smiled warmly—reassuring, friendly, supportive—and nodded. Dev had been there for so many things, even without having ever realized it. She was always the first person Yana would call mid-crisis and most of the time Dev didn’t know there was a crisis. She’d just ask Dev about her day, what she ate for lunch, what she had due in her classes. It was hearing her voice, and knowing she was on the other end of the line, that did the comforting. Yana always wanted to be able to provide the same thing in return. “Of course,” she said simply. “I have to make some real use of myself every once in awhile. If I don’t practice usefulness, I become a selfish little monster. You wouldn’t like me then. Which: nightmare fuel.”

Yana hummed in response. It was a comfort, knowing that Dev had someone like a cousin to experience the loss with. That was like, a small, good thing, she thought. She remembered the solidarity she once felt with Misha, the two of them in the small basement of their childhood home. He’d take down Battleship, distract her with goofy M*A*S*H* impressions while their parents’ clumsy footsteps boomed overhead. “Weaponized incompetence,” she half-joked. “He wants us to do the dusting.” She started to place the snacks and dry foods in neat rows on the shelves of the pantry. Boxes of pasta slotted together, the Ritz placed right next to them. Yana tried not to give up too much brain space to how they’d best be organized, but it was like fighting a losing battle. She poked her head out again as Dev continued.

“But that’s really cool of him, taking care of this place. Really, it’s nice that your family had this sort of... meeting spot, I guess, where you could all come together. And you all have good memories of and stuff. My aunt has a camper and we’d go to these camp grounds sometimes in it.” Well, they went twice. But still. “But it was cramped and always smelled like wet dog. I spent most of the time feeling like I was a massive burden for breathing in everyone’s air. You know, just the standard, run-of-the-mill thoughts of an eleven year old.” She grabbed a bag of chips, then turned it over to get a peek at the flavor listed on the front. Sour cream and onion... nice. “When’s your family gonna put this place on the market?” A beat passed. She lowered the bag in her hands, then looked at Dev with an apologetic frown. “Sorry. I know it sucks to think about.”

[yvnabortnik]

emkhalil​:

open starter @phantasmhq​ where: backyard patio area when: midday, a little after arrival

emerson was never a huge fan of road trips, maybe it was the claustrophobic feeling of being in a car for an extended period of time or maybe it was the lack of control. but if she had to narrow it down to something, it was probably the fact that she cared about the other four in the car enough to not smoke cigarettes during the drive. sure, she was able to get a few puffs when they took bathroom breaks and she had a vape to hit every once in a while, but emerson was feening by the time they made it to the cabin. 

she dropped her bag off in her assigned room before digging around for the pack of cigarettes she packed and headed back through the cabin to the backyard. eventually, she should probably check out the place and get acquainted with where they were going to be staying for the next few days but for the sake of everyone else in the group, she needed to get some nicotine in her system. pulling out a cigarette, she placed it between her lips before lighting it. 

there was nothing better, in emerson’s mind, than that first hit of a cigarette when you were craving one. well maybe an orgasm, but she’d also argue that the first hit of a cigarette after an orgasm is the best thing to ever exist. why am i talking about this? anyways. em took her phone out of her pocket and looked at the lack of bars at the top of her screen. “damn,” she mumbled before reaching her arm up into the sky and walking around as if that was going to magically find a spot where there was service. “fuck she really wasn’t kidding, there are no bars out here,” she said, meaning dev telling them about the lack of service. 

.

Yana and Em were friends, which wasn’t something Yana had to remind herself of all the time. Just... sometimes. It shouldn’t be jarring, stepping outside and finding herself alone with the girl. But still, for a moment, she came up short. She felt a little wary. She fumbled with the phone in her hand, tilted up toward the sky in search of a signal. On a whim, near the end of the drive, she texted Misha. Or, she texted the last number she knew had been his. She didn’t send anything serious: a greeting, a ‘how are you?’, a little update on what her weekend was going to look like. Expecting him to reply, especially so soon, was probably a fool’s errand. But still, Yana wanted to check.

She snorted a little laugh at Em’s comment. “Yeah, I was holding onto hope it was an exaggeration. Set us up for disappointment so no one ends up complaining too loudly when their Pornhub streams start endlessly buffering,” she joked, her hand dropping back to her side. “Me? I’m preemptively mourning my Duolingo streak. I’ll inevitably get too lazy to make the walk down the road just to work on my weak Spanish vocab.” Yana knocked her phone against her open palm, then tucked it back into the pocket of her shorts. “How about you? Which app brings out the iPad kid in you?”

[yvnabortnik]

romyowusu​:

who: open starter @phantasmhq ​

when: day one, shortly after arrival - but post seeing which room and setting their stuff done

where: the kitchen (but maybe after dev’s starter)

To say the trip and the destination weren’t what romy was expected would be an understatement. What she had only ever pictured as her beasties laughing on the road together, singing songs and making dumb jokes, turned out to be much more stressful than she pictured. Between making sure everyone was comfortable, trying to look not too in love with teddy, hoping to avoid staring at jo while she squirmed trying to think of ways to fix that, she was thankful amari didn’t have a complicated relationship with her yet. The cabin was much larger than romy expected and since they last saw another person everything seemed like it came from a different time. Dev’s cousin was there and he seemed nice, she did notice that he referred to the cabin as a she, which people do to cars but cabins? Should she also call the cabin a she, out of respect? Either way she made sure to smile lots and say thank you before he left and they made their way in.

That should’ve been the end of anxiety but whether by habit or something else the housemates were back, and sharing bunk beds. If she was less selfish and gay, romy may have volunteered to take the top bunk to save the other two the awkwardness. But teddy was there, and romy wanted to cuddle, and that horse was creepy as fuck.

Knowing that bedroom was not somewhere she wanted to kill time and that literal a crumb of socializing could be the perfect distraction from all….that, she made her way to the kitchen. People flocked to kitchens so she figured she could plant herself there until others popped in. It was retro like the other rooms, and the cupboards were nearly empty but there was also this charm about it, and it was nice to imagine devs family all gathered around, the whole room bustling with life.

She was checking out the dust situation in the pantry but found that whatever was on the top shelf, if anything, was a mystery because she wasn’t that tall, when she sensed someone else in the room she turned quickly and spoke with the excitement one might expect when their puppy greets them at the door. “Hey! Can you see up there? I forgot a corkscrew and I know some wine made the trip.”

.

Yana didn’t mind sharing with Cruz—granted, it’d be odd (to both herself and to the others) if she did mind it. But a part of her was disappointed that it seemed universally assumed that she wouldn’t be among the people scrambling and piling up together in one of the other rooms. It reminded her of sleepovers back in high school, in the basement of a friend’s house, everyone artfully arranged across floors and sofas. She missed stuff like that. Yana guessed, at least, she’d still be able to press her cold toes between Cruz’s legs just to get a reaction out of him when she sensed he was on the precipice of sleep, as she did nearly every night they spent together. It was the little things, after all. But still, with graduation looming, she wanted to soak up every moment she could with all of her friends.

Ducking back into the pantry, nearly-forgotten Dollar Tree snacks in hand, Yana was glad to see Romy. They’d been in different cars and while Yana had sent the other girl a variety of Snapchats over the course of the drive, it was still nice to be reunited with her. Her brow furrowed in response to the question as she thought, then she stepped forward. Yana had a good three inches on Romy, but the top shelf was still just beyond her grasp. “Huh,” she started, then placed her small array of snacks onto a lower shelf. With her hands on her hips, she pursed her lips as she nodded slowly. She looked back over at Romy. “Here’s an idea,” she continued and clasped her hands together, fingers interwoven as she turned them palm-side up. Yana bent her knees a little then straightened them again, bopping up and down. “I could give you a teeny lift? That’s if you can place your trust in me and my beefy biceps, obviously.”

[yvnabortnik]

ofdevburroughs​:

-

The heaviness felt lighter once Yana was in the room. In the way it always had. It was still there but it was lighter with her around. Easier, in a way. Maybe it was the way she called her my little stink-stink and held up bed socks, or maybe it was something deeper than that. Regardless, Dev was immediately grateful for her presence. Smile spreading on her features. “ Well, hey, don’t let me stop you. It’s full Comfy Mode time. ” She said, nodding her head. Though she hadn’t bothered to change herself, only kicking off her shoes at the door and pulling on sweater that had served as back support most of the drive up. She felt a little afraid to settle in. Knowing, reasonably, it wouldn’t change how she felt.

She chuckled easily at Yana’s accent, “ That was pretty good, you know, ” She commented, tossing aside tea towel on the counter, “ You could be one of those Elvis impersonators, if you could get the dancing down, ” She teased with a grin as she resumed unpacking the food and drink she’d brought for the weekend. Her back turned to put some milk in the fridge she laughed lightly again. “ I think you might be safe in your room. It’s Gammy’s I gotta worry about. I might have to take down a shrine or something before bed ” She joked, and her tone is light but there’s some hesitancy in the joke. A hesitancy that only Yana might be able to notice. She didn’t even want to go look in the room, much less touch it or take anything down. But it was a joke. She was joking. That was okay to do, right?

Thankfully the conversation moved on and Dev nodded her head. “ Mmhmm, please, ” She said, pausing her own unpacking a second to divy up what remained between the two of them. “ Do you wanna take pantry and I’ll do fridge? ”

.

Yana snorted at the thought of all that gyrating and hip thrusting, granted there was a time during her tweenhood when she probably would’ve been very taken by it. Maybe would’ve looked it up on YouTube, perhaps... hit rewind 10 seconds a few times on some particularly provocative swiveling. But alas, that possibility was now overshadowed by already feeling like a withered old crone at the ripe age of twenty-two. It’s Gammy’s I gotta worry about. Yana’s eyes stayed on Dev for a beat, focused carefully on her friend’s features. One of Yana’s grandmothers died two decades ago, and thousands of miles away, and her other one was alive and kicking one town over from where Yana grew up. She hadn’t yet experienced a significant loss, the kind that really shook you up, so she couldn’t empathize with Dev like that. But she wanted to be there for her regardless. She always did.

“Did I ever tell you that over winter break my neighbors, the Vandenbergs, hired me to reorganize their entire kitchen? And then, when they saw my totally kickass work, they asked me to do their home office too?” Yana said, pulling on her second sock and then straightening. She would always take basically any menial job thrown her way, so long as she got paid for it. It often led her down some strange paths back home and at school. “Just throwing it out there that I’m an absolute pro at rearranging stuff, and I’m sure that extends to Elvis shrines too. If you want me to check it out with you later, you know I’m down.” I’ll walk into that room with you. You know you’ll never have to do that alone. 

Yana rolled her shoulders back when Dev accepted her help with the food, shaking her hands out at her sides for show as if she were gearing up for a big fight. She clapped them together once. “Abso-tooty-tutely,” she said, then started to fill her arms with as many snacks as she could carry. Tucking a box of Ritz under her armpit, her gaze caught on Dev again. She had the same eyes as the guy who had been waiting for them out front. “Hey, also... your cousin. What’s his deal? Has he been living here full-time or is he just like, nearby-ish?” Dev might’ve clarified that already, but it was feasible that Yana simply forgot. Some things had the habit of going in one ear and out the other. “Stops in, pokes around, sets down a couple mouse traps. That kind of thing.”