Hi!! I just wanted to make this to make it easier on myself and you guys when trying to find specific things I've posted <3
This masterlist is solely for my actual fanfictions. I won't be adding my "incorrect quotes" on here, just for the sake of my own sanity. Doing that would take forever, and I would have to do separate forms of organizing with how many people are involved in each of them.
Happy Pride Month!!!
Personal Update (Piercing Related)
Kaz Brekker Fics Update
Non-important Fangirl Moment
Nikolai/Little Women Post
Choices (Fanfic preference)
Saw Movies Rant
Personal Update/Comment
Wow
Sooooo yeah. I'm very sorry for how long it's been, and like the hiatus was totally my bad. I kept telling myself I would get back into writing, but I kept procrastinating and making excuses. On top of that, I was also hella depressed for a bit and didn't know how to balance my school and personal life. I'm happy to say that I am officially kinda back (as told by my new post), and I hope to get another new story to you guys by like, next month. Thank you to those that still interacted with my work while I was gone. Love you guys!
summary: Amanda has to choose between the woman she loves, and the father-figure she was forced to lean upon.
fic type - angst, hurt/no comfort, sad girlfriends, major character death
warning - sad shit, manipulative John, WLW break up, "SH" and drug use mentioned, unhealthy relationships (Both John/Amanda and Reader/Amanda), hella gaslighting, new POV? and formatting?, listened to "Vampire Empire" while writing this.
word count - 1,866
a/n: I'm so so so sorry for the hiatus I've had guys. It's been like 2 years (I think) since I've published something, but I kept thinking I'd have time to write and then it was like any free time I did have, I was just incredibly burnt out during. Fuck taking High School and College classes at the same time (T~T). I'm highkey skill burnt out lol, but I need some outlet right now, so I'm here. I am glad to be somewhat back though :)
Saying that being with Amanda wasn't easy was a complete understatement.
At first, it was due to the drugs. No matter what you did to try and convince her to stop or get help, Mandy refused. Each time you expressed your dislike for Mandy's addiction or issues it resulted in an argument between you two, only being fixed when Amanda promised to do better. She never did. How could she? Addiction's a disease that neither of you knew how to help her beat.
It only got worse after Amanda was forced into a trap by Jigsaw, or John as she commonly called him. She had stopped taking her drugs, but with that came new destructive decisions. You didn't know much about what was going on with Amanda anymore, only knowing that she was coming home at strange hours of the night, and her body was growing more tired each week. Her body was coming back more and more scarred. Instead of the patches of smooth skin you used to caress, it was now jagged and rough. Whatever was going on with Amanda wasn't healthy, but once again, any concerns that you had brought up to your girlfriend were met with a mix of screaming and overly angry outbursts.
The longer it went on, the more you understood how unhealthy the relationship was - both before Jigsaw and after -, and the longer Amanda continued with this behavior, the more consistently you had these brief realizations. Maybe, just maybe, it was time to give it up. Obviously, Amanda wasn't fighting for your relationship, so why should you. This thought felt awful, but it was true. You needed to figure out where the relationship was going, or if there even was one at this point. If it wasn't worth saving, you needed to save yourself.
Then came the final straw. With everything going on in your relationship, you never really focused on anything else. Nothing seemed as important. That was, until you were watching the news one evening while Amanda slept in your shared bedroom. The reports on the number of killings that had been traced back to the absolute psycho that Amanda believed "helped" her flooded the screen. So many people had been killed, and as the reporters on the news mentioned the possibility that Jigsaw could have an accomplice, you felt yourself get sick. It was a strange feeling in the pit of your stomach; one you knew was connected to an idea you didn't even want to fathom. It was an idea that sat at the back of the subconscious mind, creeping farther forward with every argument. Amanda wasn't like that - right? Hell, how could she be? Why would she help the very man who had put her through the death of who she had been before. He may not have killed her physically, but you had seen the changes. You had watched her spirit die - had watched as she became someone new. How could you tell if she was capable of it, though? You hardly even knew "your Mandy" anymore.
Deciding you couldn't handle listening to it anymore, you grabbed the remote and shut off the TV. "Shit..." you sighed out.
You sat in the silent living room for a moment before finally getting up and making your way to the bedroom. Slowly and quietly opening the door, you entered the bedroom and filled the space on the bed that Amanda wasn't occupying. Soft fingers lightly moved Mandy's hair away from her face so you could get a good glance at her. As you looked over your girlfriend's face, you took notice of every feature, wrinkle, and the two scars protruding from the edges of her mouth - the scars you used to kiss to comfort Mandy after the test. Now, they were the scars that reminded you of what Mandy could be doing that was causing her to change. Whispering out a pitiful "I love you.", you turned around so your back was facing Amanda and laid your head on your pillow.
Tonight, you and Amanda would have peace. Tomorrow, long after this quiet moment was over, when she was again this new person who was quickly pulling away from the love you once shared, was for accusations and suspicions. It didn't matter if it was true or not anymore. You had to tell her.
-------------
When you woke up, you weren't surprised to find Amanda's form missing form bed. It was typically like this in the mornings, but when you noticed she was gone, the gross feeling in the pit of your stomach came back. It was a nagging feeling that this was going to be a common occurrence.
What if you were right? What if Amanda was working for...him?
To try and take your mind off of the thought, you decided to clean around your shared apartment. Cleaning up yours and Amanda's shared mess seemed to always help take your mind off of things. Maybe it was the satisfaction of the end product - or maybe, it was remembering the memories that came with that mess. You didn't really know, but you could confidently say that it always helped you stay calm.
The shared house wasn't terribly dirty, only having a handful of small messes in a few of the rooms, but cleaning the first heap of clutter took longer than expected. Because of this, it gave you a chance to truly blank and not focus on your girlfriend's possible covert actions.
When Amanda finally returned home, around 3/4th of their house had been deep cleaned or re-organized. The kitchen looked like it had been bleached, scrubbed, and then re-bleached for fun. The living room looked like it had when you two had first moved in. Curtains were thrown open. But you weren't in sight.
Amanda dropped her bag on the floor near the entrance before walking further into your apartment. "Babe?" she called out. There was no call back, just an uneasy silence. This was the last thing she needed right now - to worry over you. Her day had been shit to say the least. First, she had been partnered with Detective "Fuck-face", or Hoffman as he insisted she call him, just to have him fuck up their "retrieval" of the next player of John's game. Then, when she brought back the beat-up player, again - Hoffman's fault, John had given her so much crap about it. "We don't hurt them, Amanda!" he had angrily yelled. "He's here to get better. He can't get better if you let your emotions ruin his game!" The whole argument left her feeling restless and yearning for a release, so she spent the next half hour taking it out on her legs. She knew you had seen the scarring already, so what was the point of trying to hide her little habit. You were still here despite it all, so none of it mattered.
Getting more tired of whatever game you were playing, Amanda called out your name again. Her voice echoed in the tiny apartment, but this time it was answered. Your voice came from behind her, sitting in the corner of the living room, whereas she had now moved towards the hallway to your bedroom. "Where the hell were you?"
Amanda let out a heavy sigh. "Not this again. I've told you, I'm going out for-"
You cut her off, abruptly standing up, leg nudging the packed suitcase she had just taken notice of. "Where the hell were you, Amanda. No bullshit excuse. No "I'm allowed to go out by myself". No more fucking lies." you paused, breathing heavily. "Were you with him."
Amanda shifted. Her shoulders tensed. Her eyes looked away. You knew all her tells. "Who the fuck are you talking about? You're being paranoid - like what even is this?"
"I don't know, Amanda! That's why I'm asking! I swear to god, if you are working with him- I... Please. Please tell me you aren't. Not after what he did to you." your voice broke halfway through your yell, painfully turning your words into a plea. "They- The news said he's probably got an accomplice now. It can't be you. It just can't. But I don't know what to believe anymore. It's like you're not even fucking here - at least not the you I started this with." your hand shot out, pointing to her and then back at yourself.
"I don't know what the fuck you're on about," she sneered, "but I'm not having this conversation with you. Do you know how fucking insane you sound?"
"I'm not insane!" the screech that left your mouth made Amanda's angry expression drop. "This is not me insane!" again, your arms flew wildly, trying to express even an ounce of how you were feeling. Anything to make her listen - to keep her from brushing your concern off. "This is me mad. This is me worried. This is me breaking after watching the woman I love become someone I can't defend from my own fucking thoughts. Now I'll ask again, are you working for that goddamn, self-righteous, serial-killing freak?"
Her silence sat heavily through the room. The only thing louder than it was the ringing in your ears, and your deep breaths that were breaking through your chest. Amanda had heard that sound dozens of times before with John's players, but never from you. God, it sounded terrible from you.
"It's me or whatever fucked up relationship you have with him."
Amanda's breath stilled, eyes shooting up to meet yours. "You're bluffing. I haven't even said if your stupid little hypothesis about my free time is right. You're not fuckin leaving."
And just like that, you knew your answer.
"Get help. Once I've left, and you realize he's not good for you, or he gets you arrested, get some goddamn help." Amanda watched as you grabbed the suitcase from next to you. She didn't move as you walked past her towards the door, only letting out a harsh scoff when you wouldn't look at her as you did so. You stopped at the door, glancing back at her. "You can't want to be both. His Amanda and mine, I mean. It's pathetic, and you need to get serious help. But I won't be there to help you this time, not after all this bullshit."
The door closed behind you, leaving Amanda in what was now her apartment. Alone. She didn't run after you - didn't call you days later to change her mind. There was no bumping into her while out running errands at the stores you both loved. She was just gone. The next time you even saw a glimpse of her was almost six months later when her pictured was played along with the headline "Jigsaw and accomplice killed in poorly gone game". Images of her corpse flashed on the news, all praising the fact that she couldn't hurt any more people. Every new angle was a painful reminder of what you had lost.
But she had made her decision. You had made yours. She wasn't yours anymore. She was his and would now forever be.
well ๐งโโ๏ธ as a reminder this blog is NOT a safe space for trump supporters but it IS a safe place for women, queers, trans ppl, people of color, undocumented people, and any marginalized group.
I'm so so sorry for the lack of content recently, especially after saying that I was going to be back for a while, but I was having some issues with my old laptop (which was what I posted from) and couldn't write. I just got a new one, which is much better in quality in comparison to my last one, so I should be able to update and write much more frequently!! So sorry for the wait, but I am happy to say that I will be posting again very soon (The first being the Amanda story I was working on)!
Thinking about how when Adam said "Yes, I'm willing to risk it! Give me that sweet cancer, I don't care, I really don't" and how he was far more excited by a cigarette than a mobile phone, how he was suicidal in the original script. He wasn't just excited to fulfil his nicotine addiction, he was genuinely excited to die faster because he'd already given up hope long before he was even in the bathroom. On an unrelated note I'm going to cry myself to sleep tonight.
๏ฝฅ๏พโง ๐๐๐ฉ๐ฉ๐๐ฅ๐ข๐งโง๏พ @zepp-l1n - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
