[mona-logue]

[ztur]

I could fill a book with everything I feel for the people I love and have loved, and I wonder if the sentiment is reflected. Not to understand my worth, just to understand to what degree I experience things more deeply than others. It is not a question of if it exists, but how far away and foreign IS the galaxy I go to when in love with friends, companions, partners, etc. why is no one ever able to join me? Why when I’m feeling someone else do I feel so alone.

[ztur]

I think my biggest issue is I assume everything has more potential than it does. I’m not thrilled enough that the flashes in the pan are brief and exciting, I want a fire that can be sustained. I try to recreate the flame even if I know it’ll never be enough to keep me warm.

[ztur]

Depression looks different on everyone.

Today I’m: ignoring calls and use of my cellphone for the fifth straight day, continuing routine smoothie prep and consumption, watching as many movies in a day as I am completing job applications in an hour, and neglecting a shower for the 3rd day.

We really can’t wait to see the evolution of his style the rest of this downhill slope!

[ztur]

At a cool crossroad in my life where I cannot even imagine the type of person I’d want to spend the rest of my life with. Truly ready to be alone for a long time, if not forever. Not alone alone, but like, some people are just better by themselves ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[ztur]

Once or twice a year I’m reminded that I’m definitely not any of my friends first choice. Which like makes sense when I think about it but also stinks like bad eggs let me tel you.

[ztur]

:( I could use a hug

[ztur]

“yesterday was kind of upsetting to me, you reached out to see how I was doing but seemed entirely disinterested in the conversation, you don’t owe me anything but i feel like if you’re gonna reach out, at least do so with some authenticity”

Things I won’t be texting anyone

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[ztur]

I think I’m experiencing my first actual heartbreak currently. Like all of my heart, enthusiasm, effort, desire, etc. being in someone—feeling like it was reciprocated—and then the ground falls out from underneath you. Very sad—very hurt—very confused. Not broken though.

[ztur]

Never sure where to organize my thoughts when Shit begins to hit the fan. Always end up here. Sad guy mode engaged. Feeling cared for but unloved. Partially self esteem, partially unlucky pattern. Is it the way I love? Is it me? Is it none of the above and ultimately just what life is about? Not sure. Not sure whether I feel it’s worth any of it anymore. Perhaps it’s time to submit my application to the Better alone club!

Really just me being a bit self loathing and throwing the pity party I feel I deserve. A little palatable hopelessness to help the medicine go down.

[ztur]

Life is hard and that is fun in a way.

Feeling strong enough to tackle it all.

Maybe if I could get the footing to do so.

[ztur]

You get older and more mature and you rely less on abstract community and more so on yourself. The rules, the regulations, the faces, the spaces, they all change, but it’s still nice to say you’re sad on the internet and get the silent nod of solidarity. Thx internet.

[ztur]

How did the date go

It actually has gone well thus far. To be completely honest, I realized quickly I’m not actually in a great place to be anything more than a dessert buddy with someone. But she was very nice and sweet and off beat in a charming way. A cool gal.

[ztur]

Are you back on Tumblr?!

Ya know what, I came on here to vent about my emotions because they PEAKED again, but I told myself nahhh, it felt more self indulgent than methodical.