Don't read if you don't like me complaining!

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Almost 2 years

This Thursday would have been our 2 year anniversary and it has been 4 months since she broke up with me. These past 4 months have been nothing but loneliness and feeling lost. Drugs and alcohol may have gotten me through these months but in the end, I’m still by myself wondering what I am going to do. Often I catch myself thinking about the times we had together and how much I want to relive those moments again. I really wish I could go back in time and look her in the eyes and tell her how much I love her and how I want to soak in that moment with her. 

The background picture on my computer was from our weekend getaway in the city. We had someone take the picture of us in front of the bridge and the guy in a few selfies of himself. We had a good laugh when we saw it afterwards. I miss moments like those. 

I hate how I am still so in love with her. I hate how sometimes I can't sleep because I miss her much. I hate how much I took her for granted and how stupid I was for not realizing it sooner. Now that it’s all done and over with, I’m only left with regrets. She has set a standards so high, that no other girls can really compare to her. 

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21 Reasons Living With Your S.O. Is Actually The Best

It's all cuddles and farts from here on out.

I miss this. 

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Lost

I am so lost without you. I hate to be so down like this, but I feel like my world is completely upside down. No amount of drugs or alcohol can make me feel the way I felt with you. My feelings are eating me inside and I don’t know how to let it out. I have tried talking to my friends but I do not want to drown them in my sorrows. Real friends wouldn’t mind, but real friends also knows not to even when they say it’s okay. I hope I feel better soon.   

[hplyrikz]

Clear your mind here

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Time

It has been 2 months since we broke up, and I still miss you sometimes. I have been drinking and going out to keep my mind off you. I think it is kind of working. But I just read an article about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and their biggest moment of commitment wasn’t their marriage. It was signing the papers to adopt their first child together. And it made me think of the time when we bought your car. I know buying a car together is no big deal, cause we can just take our names off if anything or sell it. But the point is we were committed. We only known each other for 3-4 months at the time and was willing to sign a 5 year loan. I admit I was scared in the beginning, but I was willing to take that risk. And this risk is catching up to me now. 

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You’re my heart.

I remember one day she asked if she had a piece of my heart. Without hesitation, I told her she is my heart. I have never thought about that question, but when I was asked, that was my first response. And I meant what I said. Plus the look she gave me when I said it was unforgettable. She look surprised and at the same time loved what she heard. I wish i was still able to see that look again. But now I can only regret not telling her how much I love her everyday and seeing her beautiful face. Even though we are not together anymore, she still means the world to me. No matter what happens, I will always love her. I will keep Peanut forever because he is our son. I only have to thank her for persuading me to take Peanut home, Since that day, I have not regret having Peanut In my life. Just like how I have not regret truly falling in love with her. Only regret is not cherishing her while she was still here. 

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37 Life-Changingly Useful Websites You Should Know About

Bookmark them all.

Bookmark them all.

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It has been a while

Last night I had a dream about her. I don’t remember the last time I did but this dream was not a happy ending dream or anything. It was a real one. It was what it is; cold and distant. It sucks because I don’t want us to be like this. We don’t necessarily have to be together anymore, but can we be friends? Is it impossible to be friends with your exes nowadays?  Maybe it’s possible when both parties have moved on. But have I moved on? I don’t know, but I know I am happy, if she is happy. Maybe someday we will become friends again. But right now we will be strangers, again. 

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Once you can fart in front of each other, you know it's serious.

Once you can fart in front of each other, you know it’s serious.

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Some days are better than others.

I still really miss her. I know I need to move on. But sometimes, I can’t help but think about the times we were together. And how much I want those times again. 

I think about her everyday. I wonder what she is doing all the time. I wonder if she is doing okay or not. I think about all the times I made you mad. And I think about all the times you wanted me to do something for you. And it hurts a little inside. Everyday I regret all the things I didn’t do for you. Now that you are gone, I would give anything to gently rub your back to sleep or cuddle with you every night. I regret not being more spontaneous with you and keeping our relationship interesting. And most devastating of all, I regret not saying “I love you” or showing my love for you more often. A great characteristic of yours is being happy with the simple things. And I was not able to give you the simplest things. 

Is it stupid to think that someday we can still be together? Cause deep down I still have some hope. 

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Stephanie

You’re probably never going to read this but I want you to know how I feel, 

First of, I want to thank you for giving me a chance. I know it wasn’t easy to get into another relationship after your previous one. But you gave me a chance to show you that not all guys are bad. Also thank you for being a part of my life when it was difficult for me. I was changing jobs and also going to school and you were there the whole time. You made me feel like the luckiest guys alive. I know it sounds really cliche but I really mean it. We were together I felt like I had everything I wanted. But now I know I took you for granted. I felt like I had everything I wanted, but was not able to give you everything you wanted. I’m sorry Stephanie. I’m sorry I didn’t take you out more. I’m sorry I rarely showed how happy I was to see you at the end of the day. I’m sorry I didn’t cuddle with you every night. I’m sorry things were not the same as when we first started dating. At the time, I didn’t see what the big deal was but now that you’re gone I see why it was. I would do anything just to take you out to dinner one last time. Or see you after a long day at work. Or just being able to go to sleep together one more time. Even though I would not be able to sleep because I am with you. But the point is I would do anything to make you happy with me again. 

I know there’s nothing I can do now that will make you change your mind. So all I want is for you to be happy. Even if it’s not with me. I also wish we can still be friends. Because I think you are someone special in my life and I want to keep it that way. 

I love you Stephanie, and I think I will be loving you for a little longer. And I hope you don’t mind if I occasionally miss you.  

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090715

Fast forward to September 7, 2015. It has been almost a year and eight months since Stephanie and I have been together. We had our ups and downs in our relationship but I did not expect it to end our relationship. I guess she has been thinking about it for some time now and now was the prefect time because she was also moving out. 

Honestly I kind of had a feeling we were drifting apart but I did not expect us to break up. I was thinking maybe some time apart was going to help us but all it did was tear us up even faster. She said she wanted time to focus on herself but I can’t shake this feeling that she was talking to someone else. And this someone we met during an event we went to back in March. After the event, we were hanging out in a hotel room and I remember looking over at the girlfriend and she was talking to him. The look that she was giving him said it all. I didn’t want to say anything because maybe it was just me. Cause I was somewhat inebriated but I know what I saw. I have no idea why but that image is still so clear in my mind. And recently they have been hanging out a lot. 

I know I’m not her boyfriend anymore but I still love her a lot. It definitely hurts to see her with other people but what hurts the most is she not telling me about it. She was my girlfriend, my lover, my partner in crime, my best friend and most importantly, my everything. It was scary to talk about but I could see myself marrying her. So she being not able to talk to me really stung because I feel we should be able to talk about anything, good or bad. 

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121313

December 13, 2013 was the first time I ever met her. Her name was Stephanie. That day was also the first day of Bambu’s grand opening. When I walked into work, and the first time I laid my eyes on her, I was instantly interested. It was her first day at Bambu and she had this look of confusion but put on a confident front. I don’t know what it was, but I knew I like her right away. Throughout the whole shift, I felt like I was in middle school again. I tried as hard as I can to be next to her to start a conversation. Luckily our boss, Chris, told her to clean the windows because we did not have any customers yet. Mind you, that this was her first day and she told Chris she didn’t want to clean the windows. She wasn’t mean about it, but at the same time she didn’t want to do it. So I stepped in, and offered to clean it instead. I didn’t really mind because I had nothing to do either and didn’t want to stand around. As I was cleaning the windows, she came out with me and held the paper towels for me while I cleaned. I know it sounds like she got the better end of the deal but I didn’t care because it was just us alone together and we would be able to talk. i did not want this moment to end but we were on the clock, so we couldn’t sit and get to know each other as much as I liked. I don’t remember if I got her number that same day or not, but I definitely remember that number cause our texting was nonstop. I had a girlfriend at the time, but our relationship wasn’t going so great and I hardly saw her. But I didn’t know how to tell Stephanie. I was afraid if I told her, she would stop talking to me. But I guess a mutual friend told her so she already knew but still wanted to talk to me. I don’t know if that was a sign or what, but I knew I was happy she still wanted to talk. 

Days passed and we eventually gotten closer. And things between my girlfriend at the time ended. I don’t want to be mean or anything but it definitely felt great talking to Stephanie without having to worry about hurting someone else. Then a month and a day after we first met, I asked her to be my girlfriend.  

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Hi

I don’t know how you found this blog, but congratulations! Haha I created this because I have a lot of thoughts on my mind and this seems like the best place for me to express it. Just a warning though, it will be mostly rants about my ex girlfriend that broke up with me recently.