chasing the sun

| 🦋 MY VIRTUAL WORLD 🦈 | welcome to my mind | 22 | -A

[0asis-sanctuary-0wn]

September 18, 2021 | 11:25 PM

Who am i becoming? Who am I?

For the past 2 weeks i have been in a depressed mood. Things got really bad with my mom. And I may have given up on myself.

I have been thinking about how to deal with the things when I die. My possessions, what i learned and of course how should i end it.

I just don't get it. When my mom says something bad or disrespectful about me or other people I get triggered.

Now I suppress my crying because once I start i can't stop crying. But I just want to be free but I can't because of all of my insecurities, my past and my situation.

No one seems to care.

Sometimes I think I am too selfish. Sometimes I feel like a burden to other people. That's why I don't open up. And i have given up on myself.

Days are just passing by. I must muster up my courage and energy to end it.

I also realized another triggering factor that I have with my aunt. Because she never believes anything I say. It makes me feel dumb as ever, as always. Even the simplest thing I said she won't believe and it she has always been like that for me for years.

Life is sad and miserable. Who do I blame? Should I blame anyone? Am I solely responsible for all of this? Am i being selfish when I am depressed and sad about my life? Where will go after I die?

I am just tired yet again of my life.

[0asis-sanctuary-0wn]

February 1, 2021 | 12:11AM

Okay so i intended to do one post before i do my 2020 realizations that is posted before february but nope..... but i guess this kind of counts because it has only been 11 miuntes since 12 AM hehe. ANYWAY, January was so short. idk wtf happened. because all of these years january is JAAAAAAAAAAANUUUUUUUAAAAARRRRY, january has always been feel like a whole ass year on its own... Yet this year that is not the case.. days went on by fast sometimes i feel like “what its saturday again?” something like that huhu. Enough said. january was a whirlwind for me because there were days where i am okay but there days that i am not and sad and depressed and yuh. 

i dont know why i have been making things hard for me or its just that my situation is kind of hard that the pill is also hard swallow and to digest. there are some serious and important things on my list that i wanted to do but i put them off so easily and letting them off until every week they’re on my to do list...

i hope that i could start sooner or later. i think it is kind of related to my depression but yah. enough with that. i actually want to move on from that but my self esteem and confidence is too low i dont know how to start..... 

ciao

[0asis-sanctuary-0wn]

january 9, 2021 | 10:44PM

wow it’s a month after i wrote something here actually for the month of december a lot of things happened. i somewhat fixed my life a little. yet i was still depressed and everything is still all over the place. but things took a strange turn december 14 when i decided to have a session with a psychiatrist. i feel like i have been holding myself back in seeking help. though i have been drinking my antidep drugs ever since october but things still got worse over that. even i increased my dose. things aren’t okay and resolved. 

i still have to make a post about my realizations from 2020.... because i think i will truly need my learnings from last year which was one of the worst years of my life. so that i will take something from it that will be super meaningful for the future. 

for today many people greeted me. and i think i am proud myself that i made it this far. i had my 22nd birthday and i am alive. despite what happened to me, i was happy for once and i shared it with other people this day. i hope things could go well with my life. 

siguro feeling ng iba na ang babaw kong tao pero yung mere interactions nila sakin parang sobrang laking bagay na sakin na i am visible and alive. ang hirap lang nga kasi talaga dahil qurantine padin and shit so ayun. i am feeling very thankful today for everything. that God makes sure that everything will be okay that there is hope in any season. that he gives so many blessings despite everything. and i really want to thank Him. 

i feel like i have so much to say. siguro i will leave it on my 2020 realizations post. see you until then.

[0asis-sanctuary-0wn]

december 8, 2020 | 1:17AM

here are some things that i just want to say.

litong lito na ako sa buhay ko. gusto ko maging okay. gusto kong baguhin sarili ko. gusto kong mabuhay pero gusto ko na ding mamatay. gusto kong maging klaro na ang buhay ko. gusto kong maayos ang relationships ko with other people. gusto kong sumaya. gusto kong maramdaman ang mabuhay na malaya at masaya. ayoko na ng ganito. this feeling of loneliness, invalidation, yung feeling na gusto ko lang sumigaw at sumabog, ayoko nang maramdaman lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko nun, ayoko na ng away, ayokong mabuhay ng ganito, i dont want to feel helpless anymore and most of all i don’t want to end my life here like this. i just want her to understand all of the things she has done bad at me. all of these years. the reason why i am like this is because of her. and why she should stop blaming me for everything. i am tired of feeling unheard and invalidated by others. i feel like i cant validate myself because i have never felt being validated by others. i am tired of being a mess and missing on life. i am tired of contemplating about going on with my life, if i could just end it right here. 

here are the things i wish i could say to her and to everyone:

“THANK YOU: depression, invalidation, calling me bobo, being unapologetic whenever we have arguments, for me not trying things, low self esteem, worrier, anxieties, having no close friends, being hard maintaining and gaining relationships, not telling me i am adopting, insomnia, countless nights of me crying myself to sleep, not feeling normal as a teen and as a person, for not understanding me, for not believing in me, making me feel ugly, not giving me the independence i need, not telling me i am good enough, for not telling me your proud, for forgetting everything bad you ever did to me, for being hard on me, being my critic, not supporting me, pushing me to do what i dont want to do, me having no fun, every time i cry and feel emotions you’d say nagiinarte lang ako, for suicide.... thank you thank you sa lahat kung hindi sayo hindi ako magkakaganito. i am tired of blaming myself but all this time it is because of you because you are my parent you are very much responsible for me not just for school, shelter and everything else. those things aren’t enough. i dont know what you want in life. if you always just like to paint an image of what your life is like but it really isnt real. i dont know if you are this arrogant, delusional person that thinks highly of others other than yourself and your family. i am tired of being in a fight with you. i want you to feel the pain i have for years. i am tired of actually explaining myself and you are not listening and making yourself the victim” 

[0asis-sanctuary-0wn]

november 26, 2020 | 12:26AM

shit november 26 na pala? grabe ang bilis ng panahon... and tbh i am still the same depressed shit i am from the last 6 months. I have been wanting to update this blog... dapat kagabi but idk i am super inconsistent for the past weeks. i am back again to this unmotivated feeling. and this feeling shit all throughout the day. my insomnia got back i sleep late and wake up late again. i have these unproductive days. i stopped exercising. and just the general feeling of nothingness fill me. to be honest, i dont know where my life would lead or to be i the future. hopeless. clueless. shameful. failure. nowadays, i only remember the bad things happened to me. like the bad things happened to me in high school and college. all the more i feel lonely each day. how no one remembers me. how people find me uninteresting so they don’t usually “include” me in their lives. how i feel like i am useless in this world today. how i feel like i have to prove something to the world that i am worthy. that i am alive. i am here. 

because the fact that my mom, sort of gives up on me... and does not really make an effort to make me feel better hurts a lot. and turns out to be that i shouldnt too.

i dont know why i dont have the energy to live each day. i actually just want to sleep and sleep and sleep... parati kong kinocontemplate buhay ko. kung bakit ako buhay. and nothing is coming at me as of the moment. 

i dont know what to do. 

[0asis-sanctuary-0wn]

how to be consistent?

1.keep your eye on your why

2.pick your battle

3.schedule, don't prioritize your schedule, but schedule your priorities

4.ignore your feelings

5.catch that wagon

[0asis-sanctuary-0wn]

November 9, 2020 | 10:04 PM

wowww, it has been a looong time ever since i wrote something here on my little secret diary tumblr... hehehe so first things first may coronavirus padin. GCQ, MECQ, ganyan lang naglalaro ang local government para ihandle ang cases and I dont really know anymore!!! for the past month of october i have been working out and there were times na i am super TAMAD!!!! well i really hate myself when i am being inconsistent and everything about these things 

my memory sucks and i don’t know why 

my favorite kpop girl group MAMAMOO just released a new mini album!! and i have been going on and off on my stan twitter account because sometimes i get overwhelmed with the things happening... hehe but nevertheless i support them with everything i can! especially on ig hehehe i mean autoliker ako ng posts nila dun hehe thank god for some streamers that give links for us others to watch to heheh umaasa lang talaga ako dun unless free or nasa youtube available yung content nila. i have been trying to do my skincare as well.. and doing make up na din.. i feel like di na ako marunong or something heheh but yeah there was a phase when i got addicted with tiktok but i actually deleted the app already so that’s good! i also recently deleted some of my instagram posts because idk i felt like i overshared some photos especially my selfies! i am actually contemplating about deleting all of my photos but i cant because i feel like i made efforts in building up my feed. but at the same time people does not give a shit about that! And chen from exo, released a song and announce that he is enlisting in the military!!! well everyone was shocked by the announcement but i think it was a better time to enlist because of all the things happened in the past and at the same time exo isn’t complete as of the moment so yeah. also there was a day wherein i posted a mini vlog of how my day went! i just MISSED editing videos that’s why i decided to make one.. AND also i am so hoooked on this old tv show “Gilmore Girls” well it was my aunt’s favorite before and it is now on netflix so i decided to watch the show and it was goood. 

oh well that is how my october went without updating this little ‘blog’ / diary of mine... there are days when i am productive there are days where i am not. i am taking my antidepressive medication for almost a month now. and i feel so much better although i think that wouldn’t be enough for me to fully recover and be better. so now i am fighting my laziness. that i really have to deal with my life and to reflect on things. i found this youtuber and i found some of her videos that would totally help me heal and recover. although i have not yet started but i will soon. also my sleeping cycle became so much a mess this past month maybe because of my allergies. because i take my meds and it will make me droggy and sleepy. and also the symptoms of my allergy makes me hard to fall asleep. 

so yeah that is what i have to say in order to be in track of what has been going on with my life... i will try to post more and to write down my thoughts more here :)

[0asis-sanctuary-0wn]

prayer: October 4, 2020 | 10:50pm

idk why my mind wanders when i pray. so i will just write my prayer here so that i will not wander too much.

lord,

i praise and worship you as my God. i am sorry for the times and now was the time that i have these wandering thoughts about life and you and the universe. i feel like you gave us the bible as the blueprint for life. but isn’t that too cliche or generous. i really dont know why i am thinking of this. why am i realizing what could be after all of these. what would happen to me? to everyone? that why am i not trusting you now? what is all of these thinking? i am sorry, i pray that you will enlighten me and bring me closer to you. maybe this prayer will. i dont know why i am such an anxious person a person that worries too much. although there are some circumstances that i can do things but there is so much more things that i am being worried about. or maybe i am just an overthinker. i just pray that i will be a better child of yours. despite me reading these devotions everyday and mostly sometimes forgetting about things. i pray that you will still guide me despite all that is happening to me. i dont know if this will be getting to you. but i pray that you will answer my prayers and let me feel of your presence more. thank you lord for everything. everything the good and the bad. 

amen. 

[0asis-sanctuary-0wn]

DRAFT FILES 3: “sleeping pattern gone bad”

Ever since this coronavirus outbreak began well to be honest a week before it was all chaotic. I haven't been sleeping at the right time. But i am still getting 8hrs of sleep everyday. Although I wake during the middle part of the day. So i basically sleep

[0asis-sanctuary-0wn]

DRAFT FILES 2: “what i really felt”

i have been suppressing some of my thoughts. well i am SOOO good at suppressing stuff such as my memories and feelings. and i think that is what I hate myself the most.. 

so a little update, i didnt made to the medicine schools my mom wanted me to be in.. 

but luckily i got into one of them..

so yeah  when i knew about it. idk i think i was sad

[0asis-sanctuary-0wn]

DRAFT FILES 1: “surrendering everything to God | part 1?”

lately, I reconnected with God. and he has shown himself in many ways for the past couple of months. and now, he said or manifested that I could always say anything to him. And that I could surrender everything to him and he will surely take care of the rest... so now here i am, going to surrender everything to him... somehow if I write it i won’t get lost in my thoughts...

i don’t know where to start honestly, it feels like i have A LOT in my mind and they are all scattered somehow..

the devotion told me: “Pause now to revisit one hurt you’re struggling to forgive. Think about how it made you feel, what you believe about yourself as a result, and how it has impacted your relationships. Then prayerfully declare it no longer has power over you. Say it’s forgiven, even if you don’t feel it, and ask God to help you mean it in your heart.” skmdlw

For now, there are two things I seem can’t forgive, MYSELF and MY MOTHER.

di ko mapatawad sarili ko kasi, sa totoo lang di ko alam. i think i hat myself sometimes more than I love myself. Lord, ano po bang nangyari sa akin. di ko po magawang mahalin sarili ko dahil sa mga pagkukulang ko. di ko po alam kung saan po nanggaling ang sobrang insecure ko sa ibang tao na to the point i hide myself from others. minsan, di ko po maisip kung anong maganda meron ako.. minsan naman po ramdam ko yung confidence na meron ako. bakit ko po ba parati naiisip yung pagkukulang ko bilang isang tao. dahil po sa hindi ko pagmamahal sa sarili ko i became stagnant and lazy.. and hopeless and worthless. in my relationships well i dont reach out for others for help... i am so selective, and always suppressing my emotions. siguro po alam niyo naman po yun. ngayon kinukuha ko po tong opportunity na ito na patawarin ang sarili ko sa lahat ng masasamang nangyari sakin na parati yun lang ang naiisip ko.. parati kong naiisip yung mga masasamang pagkakataon sa buhay ko. self, forgive yourself, because you only got yourself in this life. you should not be so hard on yourself because the Lord loves you and will always be there for you. i know you’ve experienced a lot of things in life but that is what making you stronger in life. take your time. i forgive you self. now its now time to love yourself and stop beating yourself up. 

[0asis-sanctuary-0wn]

september 27, 2020 | 10:57pm

I am officially saying that this has become my safe space... because for months of realizing that i don’t even have my own space, maybe this blog is... wala kasi akong sariling kwarto. well almost lahat ng gamit ko naka scatter sa iba ibang parts ng bahay kasi nga i don’t have my OWN room :( i actually asked one but my mom gave me a house instead... well sinasabi niya “bahay ni angel” pero excuse lang talaga yun.. kasi bodega/guest room namin yun. sobrang display lang nung bahay na yun dahil may kitchen sa baba pero ayaw pagamit..

ANYWAY

I had a triggering/angry moment today. it was with my lola.. i was exhausted from today because i did “many things’ and she wanted me to do something when I was just at the moment of sitting and having a break. actually i shouted at her. number 1 i was not able to calm myself and yeah. number 2 i feel like everytime someone talks to be and triggers me in some type of way i feel like i am going to explode! :( idk what to feel anymore.

today i watched enola holmes. it was a pretty good film that from the olden times yet the characters are having the mindset for the future. i dont have a sharp memory of the exact words they said but i searched some.. “you are being emotional it is understandable but unnecessary.” “our future is up to us.” good thing with enola is that she had an amazing supportive mother who taught her how to be a woman of your own to be smart, not to please anybody and to just be your self. i should not envy her but i should at least try myself to be me and to find that freedom to let go of myself to my find my real self. 

today even though it was a regular i feel like ang daming nangyari sakin.. maybe all this time i am not living because i am just letting the days go by. but today i really felt things... sometimes i think to much about life and things i should not think about... i think i will not expound on it anymore because i will think of it much more..

[0asis-sanctuary-0wn]

september 22, 2020 | 10:56PM

wow september is going by in seconds! it was so so fast it is already 22nd day of the month already??? and i have been so active for this month. 

to be honest this month was unexpected at all. in my previous posts, i was planning my life well especially for this month. IDK why i have been typing/speaking here in english. i will try my best not to anymore. AYUN NA NGA, nagkamali nga ako akala ko november na next ng september i totally forgot about october! 

in the first week of september i was stable and then shit happened. i got depressed again for almost a week and i still felt it for another week. well for the past few days i feel a little bit better. and i am slowly becoming myself again. 

sometimes i want to write to my mom again. because for the past months di niya padin ako naiintindihan. sobrang hirap lang na you are trying to make yourself feel better and okay and there she goes doing and saying things that make me go insane again. well sometimes hindi lang siya pero yung buong bahay ay insensitive and always have side comments. ang toxic lang ng mga tao sa bahay na sobrang nakakadisappoint na. i know naman na nobody’s perfect.

now, what i want to say to her is that. she have to accept what she have done wrong to me. she is so blinded and in denial because of the good things she had done for me, and not thinking about the bad things she has done. which is sad and frustrating because the more she says she loves me and everything but the impact of it and how things affected me was actually bad. another thing that i am disappointed about is the fact that she “gives up” on me. whenever we have an argument she always have that closed door of not even trying to fix the problem. that makes me even more frustrated with my life. that she even sometimes makes me feel guilty about. she makes me guilty for my actions, words and everything when she should’ve done things instead. and to be honest if only i am my own mother i could’ve addressed it on my own but i am not. i cannot be the one to tell her how to be a mother... she should at least try to restore out relationship. it shouldn’t be just me. because for the past few months i have been trying yet there she is. and another thing it’s hard for me to do all the work when i am the one who got hurt here. that’s the reason why i am second guessing forgiving her. but God has always been pointing out to me to forgive other because he has forgiven me and others. i mean who am i not to forgive. but the thing is when i start to show her or make her feel forgiven she will go back to her old actions and the cycle will start again. i am afraid that i might be back with all of those old times.

now, i am trying my best to step up and take each day the best i can. i have some small achievements i have worked out, smiled a little bit, but on make up and just wake up and start my day. sobrang simple lang but for me ang lakng bagay na nagawa ko yung mga dati kong nagagawa. 

i should probably list all the problems i encountered and the lesson i should learn from those. probablt next time...

lord,

i praise and glorify you to be my God, our God. i would like to say i am sorry for all the sins i have done and will do. i ask for your forgiveness. thank you for all the times you make me feel your presence and guidance. i thank you for all the blessings you give whether they are good or bad. i know you will always lead me to you Lord. now, i pray for everyone my family, friends, filipino people and the world. so that they will also seek you as their God and hold on to you sincerely. I pray for the health of everyone, to everyone’s battling the disease or any disease may they seek comfort from you. for everyone’s that is working despite this pandemic may they be always be safe. i pray for myself that i will just forgive everyone and be better. i know it is selfish t pray for myself but i do pray for myself that i will be better and to be able to live and love again.

amen.

[0asis-sanctuary-0wn]

Things to remember #5

[0asis-sanctuary-0wn]

Things to remember #4

[0asis-sanctuary-0wn]

Decide to make a “YOU turn”

-get out of fear and come home to yourself

-the decision to get out of fear and reconnect to yourself

1. DO A SELF AUDIT

-where i am holding myself captive?

-what do you know that you wish you didn’t know?

-see things as they are

-see the truth where you are

-pain is a trampoline

2. FOLLOW YOUR FREEDOM

-pay attention to what feels good to you, so you can let yourself free

-what feels good to you?

-gut => second brain

-vehicle of self-expression

-joy journal (30 days)

-what skillset am i using when i’m the most inspired?

3.ENGAGE

-are you a perfectionist?

-action

-perfectionism is all we wear

-clarity comes from engagement it does not come from thought

[0asis-sanctuary-0wn]

4 Ways to begin to feel more worthy:

1. FORGIVE YOURSELF

-acknowledging / accepting what happened

-identify what you learned 

2. PRACTICE SELF ACCEPTANCE

-let go of the thoughts about how you should be

-focus on the things you like about yourself

-YOU ARE WORTHY JUST THE WAY YOU ARE

3. BE THERE FOR YOURSELF WHEN LIFE GETS ROUGH

-acknowledge what you’re feeling 

-say something kind to yourself

4.CONNECT TO SUPPORTIVE PEOPLE

-challenges do not make us unworthy

-give up bad mental habits 

-mentally strong => good habits

-go through uncomfortable things/feelings

-compare yourself only to yourself

-nobody is above or below you

-life is unfair

-believe that you can change you life

-what bad mental habits are holding you back?

-what small steps you could take today?