1,001 Smiles

Down in the dumps? Feeling blue? Having a bad day? Not anymore! A tribute to the amazing little book packed with many smiles. 1,001 Smiles by Marion Kaplinsky.

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1001) Taking a break

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

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1000) Cash flow

Money talks. Mine generally says "Bye!"

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999) Making good

A man walks into a pet store and asks for some ants, three mice, a family of cockroaches and 15 spiders.   "What do you need all these for?" the shopkeeper asks. The man answers, "I'm moving out of my apartment this afternoon, and the landlord says I have to leave it exactly as I found it."

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We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh.

FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE (1844–1900)

998) Daily tasks

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997) Bless you!

"How is a tax bill like a sneeze?"

"You know it's going to happen, and there's nothing you can do about it."

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I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me.

NOEL COWARD (1899–1973)

996) Elephant whisperer

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995) Bank account

A man goes into a bank and asks them to check his balance. The teller pushes him over.

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994) Mean molluscs

"Why don't oysters give to charity?"

"Because they're shellfish."

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993) Seasonal fare

"What's the most popular Christmas wine?"

"I don't like Brussels sprouts!"

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Earth laughs in flowers ...

RALPH WALDO EMERSON (1803–1882)

992) Nature's gift

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991) Electric connection

Two TV antennae meet and fall in love. The wedding was quite boring, but the reception was great!

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990) Absentee

The school secretary answered the phone in the office. "I'm sorry," said a deep voice, "but Eddie will not be attending school today as he is unwell." The secretary asked who was speaking. "My father," said the voice.

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989) Husband and wife

"I was a fool when I married you!"

"I know — but I was in love and didn't notice at the time."

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988) Good companion

To tackle loneliness, try enjoying the company of the person you're alone with.

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987) Big and small

To make a mountain out of a molehill is great for the eagle, not so good for the mole.

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986) Timekeeping

"My poor fellow, why not carry a watch?" said Herbert Beerbohm Tree (1852–1917), when he saw a man in the street struggling to carry a grandfather clock.

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985) On demand

A pianist is playing the piano in a bar. A customer comes up to him and says: "Do you play things on request?" "Yes." says the pianist. "Terrific! play cards," says the customer.