moo @11111miao - Tumblr Blog

a rough timeline of grief work– therapy only ramped up in the middle of last year, after i disassociated during my last work day in aug and then once again at the movie theatre w i, my only impressions of the ride home being the clank of a bike handle walked into a parked car. so oct was the first time i named it aloud, and then winter was rough w the cognitive + nervous system load, esp w epstein sensationalized in the news, and lots of personal emotional triggers + realizations about what i want/need. not a day goes by where it doesn't emerge in some shape or form which the deeply resistant, deeply irreverent part of me refuses to acknowledge, because .. its homogenizing power is not something i can swallow... but the consequence is clogged valve, a deep fracture. life comes in seasons of expansion and contraction and rn might just be a season of contraction .. hermit, land in my body, soothe, even if its lonely and serious work and not fun for others.

somewhere along the way i fumbled my joie de vivre but this year is all about getting it back

ill join a csa support group. ill keep killing it at my job, until they have no choice but to make me full time, ill work towards this project at the end of june, ill hug my loved ones more, ill see more of the world, ill be more precious with my time and my self

paraphrased paraphased but that thing about the invention of the drone as making a weapon out of an eye and introducing killing without the possibility of being killed (Grégoire Chamayou)

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