moo

circling an origin point

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skies were sepia toned this week w tiny particulate matter (from forest fires up north) that caused widespread headaches almost immediately upon inhalation bc they are so foreign and poisonous to the body .. oy vey

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deeply vindicating that my partner met my mother for 2 hours while we dropped items off for storage and left noting 1. she’s entirely self interested 2. shes constantly sneak dissing and 3. there’s no way to reach her

which appeased the guilt of going (mostly) no contact since dec

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my joie d'vivre is coming back nd its buoeyed only by the patient unabounded love of the people in my life, who let me know .. we didnt forget abt u in ur dark years

my relationship w my psychoanalyst is at an all time high, maybe maybe could i become a psychoanalyst

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I can’t stop laughing at the last time I was on the phone w S and they said “oh no … You’re in an im so grateful phase” when I gave a life update

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gender gender sexuality natural dispositions sexuality and confusions of that sort, it all resolves as soon as self identification lands on "girl who is a man"

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nothing feels better than being in the studio

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our boss has become increasingly abusive post-baby, it will feel spectacular 2 quit

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what’s happening with my spirit 🧐

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a rough timeline of grief work– therapy only ramped up in the middle of last year, after i disassociated during my last work day in aug and then once again at the movie theatre w i, my only impressions of the ride home being the clank of a bike handle walked into a parked car. so oct was the first time i named it aloud, and then winter was rough w the cognitive + nervous system load, esp w epstein sensationalized in the news, and lots of personal emotional triggers + realizations about what i want/need. not a day goes by where it doesn't emerge in some shape or form which the deeply resistant, deeply irreverent part of me refuses to acknowledge, because .. its homogenizing power is not something i can swallow... but the consequence is clogged valve, a deep fracture. life comes in seasons of expansion and contraction and rn might just be a season of contraction .. hermit, land in my body, soothe, even if its lonely and serious work and not fun for others.

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