ven ⋆˚

— anything to pass the past.

[118en20]

i don't want any tomorrows, i don't want it to arrive. im sick of it—it's just yesterday with a different name. i can't even meet it halfway, so can i beg for it to stop coming?

[118en20]

i kept asking, "what did i do to make you feel sick to your stomach?" you didn't utter any word. instead, you pulled me back to the old days—suddenly i'm a kid again asking my mother what i had done wrong to be punished by this loud silence.

[118en20]

when memories starts to circle in your head, let it spiral.

don't allow your mind to forget how you felt when we first locked eyes, don't forget my touch—its warmth, the taste of my mouth, my beating heart.

remember me sometimes.

[118en20]

i am a body lost in the waves of nostalgia, but i've learned how to drift with it. its cold embrace seeps into my skin as it soothes and numbs me all at once. but it drowns me as i let it carry me; its hands pushes my head under, and the weight in my lungs is getting heavier.

suddenly, i’ve forgotten how to swim.

[118en20]

i wanted to be known past how i perceived myself. i wanted someone to look at me when i am not looking, and maybe remember the small, silly things i say, to hold onto them as if they matter—as if i matter. i wanted someone to take my hand, so i'd stop swaying it when i walk. someone who'll tuck my hair behind my ears not to fix it, but to see me—as if im something worth looking at. i wanted to live in someone's mind, like a song that lingers at the back of their head. and when i am not around, they'll notice my absence and be sick of it; it'll settle onto them and they'll desperately look for me.

[118en20]

why do we always believe we can tame someone's beast inside, when we can't even tame our own?

[118en20]

"if to be loved is to be known, then maybe i have never been loved"

i wanted to be known past how i perceived myself. i wanted someone to look at me when i am not looking, and maybe remember the small, silly things I say, to hold onto them as if they matter. but no one really had the courage to do so, i can say no one really knew me—or maybe someone tried. but the moment they saw something awful they turned their backs. like a soldier in the midst of a war realizing he's afraid and didn't want to be there; surrounded by the chaos he once believed he can face.

[118en20]

why do i keep looking back? i'm still stuck in the pit, still waiting for that someone who can lift me up even if they're the one who brought me here.

[118en20]

my own love isn't enough.

it's the 21st of february and i don't want to be alone anymore. sometimes when i remember how it feels to love and to be loved, my whole body aches. i love my solitude but sometimes it gets too lonely, i just wanted to be wanted.

[118en20]

[118en20]

"May mga bagay at tao (madalas) na bumabalik lang para umalis ulit."

— maryang sinukuan

[118en20]

why does this empty feeling never go away? i don't know how to comfort myself anymore.

[118en20]

after telling you things, i was finally proud of what i liked—someone proved to me that maybe i wasn't such an outcast. that perhaps i could belong somewhere, with someone. it felt like a safe place, like a newborn scooped in his mother's arms. but you're a familiar past; like everyone else before you, you found flaws in the things i showed you. and now im afraid to show myself; they might see something rotten inside me that isn't worth holding, turn their backs and walk away. it might—no, it will happen again. not just with you, but with everyone ill have a connection with someday, and the weight of that fear is heavy.

— 118en20.

[118en20]

you've left me with the pain, i carry it everyday

hold me down, daniel caesar.

[118en20]

we were so different. you ran your fingers underneath my shirt while mine ran through your hair. of course we won't last.

[118en20]

i find it hard to get out of bed

i lost my appetite

i cry a lot

people are becoming chores

...again

[118en20]

tell me.. is it really better to leave than to be left?

if you're gonna ask me, "how does it feel to leave?" i wouldn't be able to give you an answer. i've never really had the chance to leave someone, they would always leave first. and the thing that's anchored in that is you're always gonna be left behind, you're always gonna be alone, you'll always wonder: "what's so off putting about me that i make everyone leave me and they don't even, just for once, choose to stay?" but if i leave first, do you think i will be able to live my life normally after walking away, just like all those people who left me do?

— 118en20