Yes, I'm crazy. My mind really does sound like this.
Light: How are you doing?
Dark: Horrible. The weekend is over and we have so much to do this week.
Light: So what exactly is the problem?
Dark: Did you not hear? We have SO much to do.Â
Light: Would you prefer the alternative?
Light: Not having anything to do?
Dark: Well, no, not exactly.Â
Light: So what's the problem then?
Dark: Well these are just a bunch of things that I feel like we have to do. There's a big difference between doing things you want to do and doing things you have to do.Â
Light: Ok, so what are these things that we have to do?Â
Dark: Well, we have to teach all week, and that is always exhausting.Â
Light: Hm, sounds invigorating to me! But what would you choose to do if we weren't teaching?
Dark: I don't know. Sleep in. Write. Go to a coffee house. Ponder our existence.Â
Light: Now THAT sounds exhausting. What will we have to write about if we are always sitting in coffee houses writing?
Dark: I hadn't thought of that.Â
Light: MmHm. I didn't think so.Â
Dark: Well, anyways, there are a lot of things we have to do besides teach.
Light: You keep using those words, "have to". I don't quite understand what you're referring to.Â
Dark: Well, we have to go to rehearsal tomorrow. We have to attend the honor concert on Tuesday night. We have therapy on Wednesday. On Thursday we need to drive four hours down to Portland to attend the conference for the following two days.
Light: Those all sound like things we chose to do.Â
Dark: Well, I guess they are, but in the moment it doesn't always feel like a choice. I just want to sit for a minute.
Light: No you don't. You hate sitting. You hate doing nothing more than you hate doing everything.Â
Light: So, won't it be easier if you just accept that everything we are doing this week is something we signed up for, and that all of it is better than none of it?Â
Dark: But this isn't the life we wanted to live. We wanted to be great. We wanted to be talented. We wanted to change lives and have an impact on the world. We wanted to have something worth saying. We aren't doing any of that.Â
Light: Whoa! Hold on! We wanted to be great? We wanted to be talented? Changing lives... impacting the world? Remind me again, how long has it been since we graduated from college?
Dark: Ummm, about eight months.
Light: And what exactly did you expect us to accomplish in such a short amount of time?
Dark: I don't know. Something.Â
Light: Well, just because we haven't become talented or changed lives in eight months doesn't mean we aren't headed there. We are learning a LOT. Even you have to admit that. And all of it is helpful in reaching our goals. Plus, once we reach those goals, we will need new ones anyways. So you might as well be content in constant growth, even though some of it is really hard, even for me.
Dark: Content? I hate the word, as I hate hell, all Montagues, and thee.
Light: Cute. Shakespeare references always butter me up- you know my weakness.
Dark: Everything butters you up. It's annoying.Â
Light: Well, it's just easier that way. Not every moment will be filled with beauty and laughter. That's life. Think about all of the cumulative minutes we spend filling up our gas tank over the course of a year. Now, when you fill up the gas tank you zone out and let the time pass because you want it to be over so you can move onto the next thing. When I fill up the gas tank I make a point to smile at people, maybe I even start a conversation. Sometimes I leave the window open so I can continue to sing along to the song on the radio. It's not the most inspiring environment, but like I said, life is full of uninspiring things. Find a way to be content with that.Â
Dark: Or I can do it my way, and brood.Â
Light: Yeah, that's an option. And sometimes you win, and we brood, and I accept that, too. We are both going to share this mind forever, so I understand that sometimes you will call the shots. Â But you have to admit, when I am the one filling the gas tank, we have a good time.
Dark: Ok, sure. For that one thing.
Light: That one thing? You think that's the only uninspiring environment that I manage to fill with purpose?
Dark: Well, what others are there?
Light: Waiting for the toaster to pop or the kettle to boil, waiting for traffic lights, waiting at the doctor's office... really any kind of waiting. Buying groceries, long drives, staff meetings, running errands, practicing clarinet, paying bills, sitting on a long flight...Â
Dark: Ok, I get it. There are a lot of uninspiring things in life. But that's why I get frustrated.Â
Light: "If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it; blame yourself, admit to yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches."
Dark: Ugh, I should have known you would go quoting Letters to a Young Poet. Don't you dare believe for one moment that we can all be inspired all of the time. Sometimes it just won't happen. I'm stubborn, as you know, and I won't let it happen.
Light: I know. And I'm at peace with that. I can't sleep with one eye open, after all, and sometimes you get carried away when I'm not watching. You have every right to be here, too. I just prefer it when I'm in charge of our thoughts.Â
Dark: You know what, so do I. Â