My Brain Is Trying To Kill Me.

14KGold elsewhere; you can call me 14K. Back in my more recently ancestral stomping grounds of NYC. I have much to say, and I say it very fucking loudly. I love learning; if you can teach me something, I'm all ears, and I'd love to teach you what I can in return. Nota bene: Lack of knowledge? Not an issue, I don't know all that much either; but I'm too old to tolerate bullshit, so if you prefer willful ignorance, this ain't the place for you. ****************************** Although I do not take anon asks, I will always reply privately unless you either request otherwise or are an asshole.

[14kgoldupgraded]

So if you still want to hang out with me here, let me know via message or ask (not in the replies!), and provided I know you (and know you’re not, like, stalker-y), I’ll get in touch.

<3

[14kgoldupgraded]

So even though my blog is set to private, my bro-in-law is stalking it. I’ll find you all another way. 

[14kgoldupgraded]

I want to get the things done that need to get done NOW, but my body is not cooperating at all. 

I know I wouldn’t be pushing it to do so if I was home – it’s just this particular situation – and I need to stop being mad about it and let myself rest. And I need to remember that I was running around late last night in ways I would never normally do, and that it’s okay I’m still worn out. 

REST, 14K; things will not crumble because you need to stay in bed an hour longer today. 

[14kgoldupgraded]

Why is it that packing the rest of the china suddenly looks daunting, even though it took me maybe 40 minutes to pack more than half in the first push?

I’m sure I’m over-anxious as opposed to actually having much to worry about. Half of the downstairs is suddenly gone (furniture taken by friends of the family) so it feels incredibly empty; that will of course be much worse tomorrow, once the piano and my other stuff goes. And I’m still waiting to hear if someone can give me a ride to/from the storage place tomorrow, which is a huge stressor -- somehow everyone’s busy. And I guess I do need to be worried about the check I won’t be able to write because I didn’t think to bring my checkbook... And how I’ll have no cash after tipping the movers... (I’ve got an extra 1k in the bank so I’m not worried about the financing per se, but since I neither have a bank here nor could get to one, I’m stressing). 

Being in the ‘burbs without a car is very stressful. And I kind of wish I didn’t have to stay here Wednesday/Thursday, but there’s really no point in me messing up someone else’s bed for one night when there’s no one but me in the house.

[14kgoldupgraded]

I want to get the things done that need to get done NOW, but my body is not cooperating at all. 

I know I wouldn’t be pushing it to do so if I was home -- it’s just this particular situation -- and I need to stop being mad about it and let myself rest. And I need to remember that I was running around late last night in ways I would never normally do, and that it’s okay I’m still worn out. 

REST, 14K; things will not crumble because you need to stay in bed an hour longer today. 

[14kgoldupgraded]

so-yo-little-honda replied to your post: GUESS WHO LEFT HER CHECKBOOK AT HOME AND NEEDS TO...

You should be able to get a counter cheque from your branch (sorry if this is supremely unhelpful)

I’m still out of town -- my bank isn’t here.

[14kgoldupgraded]

I scheduled the movers (tomorrow!!! I’ve got... not that much to do, but some, and also need to find someone to drive me to/from), discussed a couple things with mom’s husband’s son #1, and sent off some emails. I had grand plans to shower after (I’m gross), but instead I’m back in bed resting.

Eh, whatever, I have until 2 to make myself presentable, and then will just be chatting with some people, packing the rest of the china, and doing laundry. Actually... that sounds tiring too. And my brain’s overstuffed. I would like to forget a lot right now.

[star-anise]

As an intellectual person it kind of offends me that emotions are so physical. Like, why am I too anxious to do this task? Oh right, because when I get that anxious, my body is either in too much pain to function, or literally kicks my ability to do it out from under me. How do I fix it? Fucking calm my body down.

It is OFFENSIVE that I can’t just think my way out of a feeling.

[star-anise]

Honestly this post explains why the one time I tried an exclusively CBT therapist I spent all of our sessions arguing with him about how he was wrong.

Because otherwise I was wrong and HE WASN’T EVEN NICE ABOUT IT.

[chibisquirt]

Huh, can you say some more about that? It sounds like it might sow some really helpful revelations for me since I feel the same way about emotions being physiological, but I’m not sure I’m understanding it correctly.

[star-anise]

So. Different parts of the brain do different things. When they do the thing, they “light up” and expend energy. And our body organizes the brain such that when it’s running low on energy, it will “shut off” the power flow to certain parts of the brain. That is, they’ll get enough to stay alive–but they won’t get to work really hard, nor grow stronger or larger or more dense.

Many things inform the body’s decision about when it’s low on memory and when it’s not, and when a brain function is necessary, and when it’s not. Some of those things are our physiological state–the complex set of the signals that say whether we’re relaxed, calm, happy, cold, tired, hungry, in pain, distracted, alarmed, angry, or numb. Those things are all expressed in the body as well as perceived as internal experiences through the brain.

So the more you experience negative emotions that convince your body that SOMETHING IS WRONG, the more energy your brain and body pour into threat response. Energy gets diverted from the “higher” brain functions like abstract thought and planning for the future, and put into things more useful for immediate survival–keeping heart rate and respiration up, muscles tensed for movement, say. More attention gets put into scanning other peoples’ body language for negative messages like anger, contempt, or disdain than into finding any neutral or positive reaction. The memories that come to mind are about more negative things, since those are probably more useful to you if you need to know how to recognize and handle a dangerous situation. 

So what really bugs me about depression and anxiety is that they cause me to perceive the world in a really specific and slanted way–one where there are more threats, people don’t care about me, the future doesn’t have very many possibilities. And inside that mindset, my brain works to literally deny access to things like happiness or hope or feeling loved, because it thinks (poor dumb thing) that I am in a literally life-threatening emergency all the fucking time, so why the fuck am I trying to turn on a theme park ride when it needs to power an emergency shelter.

So the things I’ve come to believe about the world, based on my own observations and experiences, aren’t actually the only way it is possible or necessary to view the world, and if my body and brain calmed down, they’d be able to see the world very differently, and I could behave in different ways and still be safe.

But my old therapist tried to treat my social anxiety by saying, “You’re wrong, people really aren’t that mean,” when I and my trauma were like “OBVIOUSLY THEY ARE”, and it took having other better therapists who validated my trauma and got me to really look at and think about my life in the present day, and draw my own conclusions about how different things were from the situations I was traumatized in, to get me to realize that.

[mango-habanero-autism-deactivat]

Pentagon pushed to use vast swath of desert wildlife refuge ‘primarily’ for military purposes, draft bill says

The draft legislation would carve out 1.1 million acres of Desert National Wildlife Refuge to be used only “secondarily” as a nature preserv

“They’ve already taken away all our land,” Anderson said, referring to the 2.3 million acres the Moapa Band of Paiutes used to control. The tribe noted its creation stories describe how its people entered the mountains and left as sheep. “In essence the sheep are people,” it states. “It is our duty to protect the mountain sheep for if they die, then we die too.”

The draft legislation would carve out 1.1 million acres of Desert National Wildlife Refuge to be used “primarily for the military purposes” and only “secondarily” as a nature preserve. The military wants to add as much as 260,000 acres of the refuge — the largest in the contiguous United States — to the testing range.”

[14kgoldupgraded]

But the draft bill, which is subject to changes by Interior officials before being submitted to Congress, gives the military the authority to do much more than just expand its testing grounds. It would jettison an environmental review that has happened every 20 years and exempt the area from wildlife refuge law, opening the way for the Air Force to mine sand, gravel and other materials from within the refuge for construction.

[14kgoldupgraded]

GUESS WHO LEFT HER CHECKBOOK AT HOME

AND NEEDS TO WRITE A CHECK TOMORROW

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH (it was originally not an issue because of who the check was going to; now it’s going to someone else, and it’s an issue)

Ugh. Today sucks already; early (for me) morning calls and thinking and planning, brain fog, money issues, instability. Yayyyyyyyyyyy

[14kgoldupgraded]

scarygodmother replied to your post: I’d say ‘unbelievable’, but it’s so believable: I...

I know this doesn’t help you now, but there might be a GFI outlet on the circuit that needs to be reset.

A what? I’m kidding, not that I have any idea, but at least four people with homeowning knowledge are coming by tomorrow, so I’ll let them deal with it. I’ve moved to another room (which I had intended to do anyway then didn’t want to put the effort into).

[14kgoldupgraded]

I’d say ‘unbelievable’, but it’s so believable: I blew out a/the fuse in my mom’s bedroom by plugging in a second space heater (it’s freezing). Should I try to find the fusebox (I have no idea where it is) and fix it? Or drag my overtired ass (and all my shit) to a different room?

[14kgoldupgraded]

Only one fuse seemed to be tripped, but resetting didn’t help. Fortunately, now I’m broiling from going up and down all the stairs many times and back and forth across the top floor many times. 

[14kgoldupgraded]

I’d say ‘unbelievable’, but it’s so believable: I blew out a/the fuse in my mom’s bedroom by plugging in a second space heater (it’s freezing). Should I try to find the fusebox (I have no idea where it is) and fix it? Or drag my overtired ass (and all my shit) to a different room?

[steviemcfly]

Nerds and narcs are called Goody Two-Shoes because as everyone knows the worse you are, the more shoes you wear at one time

[14kgoldupgraded]

Sometimes you only realize how weird an expression is when you see it used out of context -- i.e obviously I had to look up the origin. (No sarcasm at all, Wiki is such a great thing.)

Separately, ‘Goody’ is short for ‘Goodwife’ (’Mrs.’, essentially), and ‘Two-Shoes’ probably refers to the person being wealthy enough to afford... two shoes. A 1670 source:

Mistress mayoress complained that the pottage was cold; 'And all long of your fiddle-faddle,' quoth she. 'Why, then, Goody Two-shoes, what if it be? Hold you, if you can, your tittle-tattle,' quoth he.

The name is used herein to point out the mayoress' comparative privilege; "Goody" (a corruption of "Goodwife"), being the equivalent of "Mrs." and "Two-shoes", implicitly comparing her to people who have no shoes.

And the phrase came into its current meaning with Goody Two-Shoes:

[...] a variation of the Cinderella story. The fable tells of Goody Two-Shoes, the nickname of a poor orphan girl named Margery Meanwell, who goes through life with only one shoe. When a rich gentleman gives her a complete pair, she is so happy that she tells everyone that she has "two shoes". [...] This earning of wealth serves as proof that her virtuousness has been rewarded [...].

[fuckyeahmarxismleninism]

NYers Jump Turnstiles En Masse To Protest Police Brutality On The Subway

Close to 1,000 people marched through Downtown Brooklyn on Friday night to protest police brutality and a recent crackdown on fare evasion inside the subway system.

The peaceful action, organized by Decolonize This Place, took over major streets around the Barclays Center beginning at 5 p.m. on Friday. Demonstrators eventually made their way underground, jumping the turnstiles en masse at Hoyt–Schermerhorn while chanting: “How do you spell racist? N-Y-P-D.”

The “emergency action” comes in response to the MTA’s efforts to stop fare-beating, which have led to the deployment of 500 new subway cops across the transit system, among other deterrence measures. Two confrontations caught on video last weekend pushed that frustration to a “boiling point,” organizers said.

In the first instance, last Friday, police were seen pointing their guns at a crowded train car, before tackling 19-year-old Adrian Napier, who was believed to be in possession of a weapon. Napier, who had his hands up throughout the interaction, was found unarmed, and charged only with fare evasion.

A day later, cops responded to reports of a fight at Jay-Street—Metrotech. During a chaotic struggle, a police officer was caught on video punching two teenagers in the face, one of whom is now suing. The NYPD has declined to name the officers in either incident.

[14kgoldupgraded]

unfriendly-black-hijabi replied to your post: I don’t want to take all the china – I won’t use...

If it’s an Apple computer you can take it to the Apple store along with proof of her passing and they’ll unlock it for you.

It’s an iMac! I’ll let them know -- I know my sis got extra death certificates, so I’m sure they can use one. Thank you thank you!!

[14kgoldupgraded]

chonkychickenlady replied to your post: DAMMIT, forgot to use the chair lift when I went...

My goal for the next five years is to finish my second floor and get a chairlift. Hugs.

It took a while for my mom to get it -- for her husband -- but it made an immediate difference, and then she was able to use it as well (during chemo, and at the end). It makes all the difference for me staying here now... when I remember to use it. I sometimes forget precisely because I’m going back and forth between floors and automatically just walk. 

One thing I noticed: they tried having the two-tier lift first -- there’s one turn in the staircase, so the lift went up in two sections, with a seat switch at the turn; that quickly became a major issue with it, because the switching ended up taking a lot more energy (physical and mental). It’s much more expensive to get one that goes all the way up, but if you can swing it, it’s probably worth it. I know it was much easier for my mom’s husband to use when he only had to sit down-stand up once per trip.

[14kgoldupgraded]

DAMMIT, forgot to use the chair lift when I went up and down a bunch of times, and forgot that I’d gone down (and up) the stairs to the basement a few times and carried some heavy stuff. Anyway, just found my legs crumbling beneath me and realized I need to nap again. 

At least I’ve crossed more things off the list. 

Today, I still have to: break one thing down, pack the china and some extras that have popped up, help BBF take a table, label two tables for someone else, figure out more ways to trash and recycle everything that needs to be trashed and recycled, transfer some money so I can pay the movers. Tomorrow: schedule the movers, wrap up a few things, see if I can clear out more of the food or other storage spaces. And I gotta make one call before I nap.