indefinite hiatus
i woke up last night (this morning?) halfway through a panic attack, my room was suffocating, i couldn’t breath. i stumbled onto my balcony, shaking and crying, to try to get some fresh air.. and of course. a full moon. i felt calmer immediately. you’re always there, jjong. in every note and every breath, and when i stare up at the stars i know they’re shining for you and you’re shining for us. i know we’ll continue to love you the way you loved the world and everyone in it. i’ll repay that love my whole life, if i have to. (i will. i’ll carry your heart in mine forever.) this post didn’t need to be so convoluted, i guess, but i had to get a few things off my chest before i left. yes, for good, probably. i think scrolling through and seeing everyones sadness, and my own sadness, used to be therapeutic and now just Hurts, especially after everything. it feels like the sadness is growing and it feels like it’s not what he would’ve wanted for me or any of us. i have to live a better life than that, if not for myself then for him. i’m sorry that this is so dramatic. i’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. i hope you’re all doing well. i hope the sadness is bearable. and i know that we’ll meet again. all of us, someday. no one is gone forever. bye for now
