Coming Up Strong

[1dliveson]

I met a new person today and we spent maybe an hour/hour and a half together before playing a group game about how well we all know each other. And this new person was asked to guess what quality i would find most attractive in someone. To my surprise, and with only a little thought, she guessed “kindness”. And it made my heart swell because on one hand i had felt seen. and on the other, i was overwhelmed to think that i had gotten to a point in my own personal development that i came off authentic enough for even a completely stranger to understand that that’s exactly what i’m attracted to. It was nice… no pun intended.

[1dliveson]

i could write a fucking essay on hunger games songbirds and snakes, but that’s a lot. not for me but for others. so i’ll just say that the movie is so fucking layered and what makes it juicy. because the, what i think, most important scene in the entire movie is when snow returns to the capital from district 12 and he goes to see Gaul on her office and she asks him again, “what are the hunger games for?” and he gives his new answer. and that fucking answer is what explains exactly why snow is the way he is. he grew up in war. he saw people resort to eating their own neighbors to survive. his brain is instinctually wired to think that people will do whatever they want in this world , even kill, to get what they want. to keep surviving. but then this girl comes along, a girl from the place he probably hates the most because they’re the ones who killed his father and set him and his family on the path to poverty. they also represent the people who caused a war that changed him and everyone in the capital forever. and she comes and she’s kind and a small part of him has hope. that maybe he could be happy and life can be simple and he doesn’t have to struggle to get every single thing he has. life can be easy. now here is where snow breaks off and becomes the spawn of satan we know him as. because to him what happens next is that he puts his life on the line for that girl and she ends up leaving him stranded in the woods after setting a snake on his ass. and his trained little brain sees that once again people will do whatever to survive. and his hope is extinguished forever and he becomes cold and hard and president none the less skshsjsjsjs. BUT WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED is that snow wasn’t a great guy to begin with. he was violent and manipulative and a liar. and the girl he was in love with was smart enough to see the red flags and fucking RUN. but snow doesn’t see it that way obvi. and since the movie is from his perspective, you see so obviously why and where he went wrong. it’s fucking genius. thank you suzanne collins for keeping me up at night 😭😭😭😭

[1dliveson]

i’m sorry but i just feel like the people who don’t like bridgerton season 3 aren’t one for the details. they like grand gestures and everything said out loud. but season 3 is the opposite of that. season 3 is for the ones who pay attention to episode titles and how the beginning and ending stances from lw are always correlated. for the ones who notice music that perfectly synchs up with looks and touches. for the ones that crave long silences because silence is loud. for the ones who love a good build because it is about the journey and life is a climb and people who love season 3 know that it needs and must be taken into context along with season 1 and season 2. season 3 is for the wallflowers bro

[1dliveson]

hr: why do you love me?

hm: what do you mean?

hr: i mean why do you love me? like give me a reason?

hm: is everything ok?

hr: can you just please? for me…can you just answer the question? please.

hm pauses and looks between both of hr eyes. he searches for an answer to the question hanging so desperately from his lips. a question he can’t find himself to ask again because the one answer he does find in hr eyes is that she needs this. she needs an answer.

hm: you know when i first met you, i think i stared at you for about 10min before you actually looked at me back. you were so present in what you were doing it was like everyone else was a by product or just in the way. and you were there. creating your own world and living in it and loving it. i thought to myself, that girl is so cool. and when you finally did look at me, you smiled. and it felt like i had been given a private invitation to your secret world. and i knew then, just as i know even now, that i’d be a fool to deny myself that entry . i may not know what you’re thinking or feeling all the time. and i may not know when my entry might be revoked—

hr: it would never.

hm: —but, at least in my eyes, loving you is the least i can do for you letting me in.

hr: so what you’re saying is…you just love me… for being me?

hr is confused. how could this thing, this concept, this four letter word that has inspired creation and war and pretty much most of our human actions, be so simple?

hm: yes. i love you, simply because you are you.

hr: but there must be more?

hm: i mean sure Newton found a way to explain the exact science behind why gravity existed and how it works, but at the end of the day all he knew is that an apple did fall on his head. and he accepted that, exactly for what it was.

hr: so i’m your apple?

hm: you’re my apple.

[bloedgetuige]

going to quit my job to pursue my passion of laying my head on someones chest

[1dliveson]

i was in a funk for 5 months of last year. Think it’s time to level up, let’s start shifting gears.

[1dliveson]

2022 was about saying yes to those plans even when you were tired and netflix on the couch was calling your name. 2022 was about learning to make dinner and appreciating going to sleep on clean sheets. it was about loving the long conversations at sunset in my car. it was about going to concerts last minute. spending way too much on boba. buying flowers. riding the bus at 2 am. going to the movies. impromptu photo shoots. dinner at kevin’s. many many many playlists. that 3 min drive up to lomo after dance just to stretch the vibes for a second longer. it was about trying and failing, and trying and only trying, and sometimes trying and actually succeeding and knowing that all of the above are just as important as only achieving one of them. it was about trying to grow without hating the process.

[1dliveson]

so sleigh queen

[1dliveson]

jk that was a false alarm… i remembered i was a bad bitch. it’s his fuckin loss haha

[1dliveson]

you know how they say “worst thing he could say is no”? they never thought about him saying “i’m not attracted to you” (somehow it’s so much worse)

[1dliveson]

this sucks…

[1dliveson]

i’m still upset but i’m also running out of words to say and i need to finish my laundry

[1dliveson]

*plays far by sza

[1dliveson]

how can i continue to be vulnerable when every. single. time. i am it gets thrown back in my face

[1dliveson]

i’m spamming because a boy broke my heart and it didn’t make me feel good and i’m honest enough to admit that

[1dliveson]

i think there are few people who are actually cool and genuine and worth full human love and decency (and by a few i actually mean a lot but if we’re talkin of 8 billion people it’s a small percentage) and everyone else is just sad and bitter and hates themselves

[1dliveson]

i may just turn this into my twitter where i just say the shit i think but no one wants to hear because it’d hurt their feelings