ugh.
Saturday June 16, 2012 was the last time I had alcohol. That's the last time I plan on having alcohol for a while. I intend on staying sober for as long as I can. If I do drink, it'll be one or two. Nothing more.
See, what's fucked up about that night is the people that kept handing me drinks denied my pleas to stop giving me alcohol. All I needed was the shot of 151 and a beer. I was good for the rest of the night, but they wanted to do more and for some reason, I had to do it with them.
Yes, it's my fault for not having anything in my system before I started drinking, yes, I should have been more assertive when saying no. But there comes a point when you have to own up to the shit you caused. I told them, even before we started drinking, that I get crazy violent and super depressed/suicidal when I get really drunk. It's not that I'm ungrateful. I'm really thankful that my friend's boyfriend decided to buy me more than one drink, but idk.
When they finally saw the beast unleashed (me extremely intoxicated), we (my exboyfriend) and I were outside of the club. We were leaving because my belligerent ass was a mess.
Okay, maybe I should tell this story from the beginning. Or.. I'll just not type it up for the world to see. nvm. I'll write about it and then condense it into something easier to read and then I'll type it up on here. I can't type about it on my fucking other blog because the friend that got me drunk follows me.
I guess I'm just pissed off because 1) I didn't know the guy that was buying me drinks (my friend's boyfriend) and 2) They apologized to my ex boyfriend about getting me fucked up, but my friend has yet to apologize to me. And my friend has the audacity to bug me about his boyfriend's jacket (when we were leaving the club, I took my shirt off because it was covered in vomit... at least I thought it was. So, my friend's boyfriend "let me borrow his jacket") omg, these structure of these sentences are all fucked up. He actually forgot his jacket. or he let me borrow it. idk.
Thinking about that night (from what I remember) and having the one sober person there fill in the blanks I have, it really disappoints me. And it makes me want to cry.
So, anyway, my friend was like, "hey my boyfriend's jacket" and I was like, "I'm gonna wash it and I'll return it." And he's been bugging me about it since. And then he sent me a text back, "we have to get your tolerance up in a safe enviornment." and I told him "Naw, no amount of conditioning can silence the demons inside." and he goes "Never mind the demons and forget the bad thoughts."
It really fucking amazes me how dumb people can be. Yeah, he's been gone for half a fucking year, but you can't claim to be my best friend if you want me to do something that will kill me. I guarantee you, had my exboyfriend not been there, I would have found a way to kill myself.
You can't tame a beast by antagonizing it. That's how you get killed. Yeah, it's about mind over matter and all that shit, but my mind is in no position to get fucked up.
I drink to numb the pain. And when I'm numb and I black out, I do and say the things I repress.
so, no more drinking for me. I have people that love and care for my well-being and you, sir, don't seem to give a shit. You aren't worthy of being called my "best friend" let alone my friend.
Because if I forgive you for that incident and we try to do it again in a "safe environment" I will die and my death will be your doing.
I really wish you understood that. I really wish you could. But we can't be friends because your view of reality is skewed and your sense of self is horrible. I have people that love me. I have people that care for me. It's time for me to start living for them and eventually, I'll be living for myself. I don't need to down a bottle of vodka to get away from reality. As much as I like to, I don't need to and I won't take the risk of losing the people that care.
Alcohol rips families to shreds. It ruins lives. I refuse to ruin my life.