An epiphany resonated within my noggin,
a pleasant realization, at that. Last semester, my first semester in college, had the theme:
"Beginning the Journey to Self-Rediscovery"
All of the classes I took, opened up my eyes to life and the beauty in it. I learned a lot about myself in that semester. I gained more knowledge of who I am and how to shape the path I am currently traveling along. Academia is a wonderful tool, and it's great to have in the arsenal of "life's weapons," but we tend to forget the things that are most precious in life; we focus too heavily on academia. It's not a bad thing to focus primarily on academia, but losing sight of oneself is never a fair trade-off.
On the beginning of my journey, I found myself asking a lot of questions; questions I had answers for and questions that I sought others out for answers. I re-learned what it was to feel happiness and how I can attain it independently (although, I still relied on others to feed my need and fill me with happiness). I began to see how, once steps are taken in whichever direction they're taken in, the path unfolds before me. I saw change and I did not welcome it quietly. I learned of the idea of impermanence and I began to apply that way of thinking to my daily life.
Last semester was amazing. I felt every emotion humanly possible and I connected with many astounding people as well. Things fell apart toward the end of the semester, but it fell apart because I felt as if I had no control over anything that had happened. Boy, was I wrong, but I didn't know any better. I was made aware of the idea of impermanence, and thought I was applying it to my life, but I wasn't; I was pretending to do so. I told myself, and others, that I was open to the idea, but I fought the inevitable every step of the way. "It's not supposed to be like this, I will fight until you tell me YOU DON'T WANT ME AND YOU DON'T NEED ME IN YOUR LIFE."
I was made aware that things are inevitable, but I was not willing to change my outlook and my perspectives to live it.
When this semester started, I had hoped for some sort of change in my favor. And at one point, it seemed possible, but I let my pride blind me from reconciling a situation I fucked up to begin with.
I read a couple of posts from last year and the beginning of this year, "what started out as curiosity, ended in tears." I found a post that made me ache so much inside. I am disgusted with that person I became. Regardless of the amount of pain I felt and the amount of hurt I was put through, that shit was NOT AND NEVER WILL BE OKAY.
I get it now, though. This semester is about me letting go and experiencing impermanence. So, dear friend, I bid thee adieu. Hopefully, life will bring us back together by chance and we will get back to the way we were, as friends. Unless you're willing to allow me more. But I must say goodbye, one last time. I'm sorry for my rudeness and I'm sorry I was not strong enough to just let everything go from the beginning. I hope, one day, you find it in your heart to forgive me. I love you, dear friend. You'll be in my heart always. Never too far out of reach. Take care of yourself, and don't forget to let go of the things you can't change. It'll take time, but I know you're strong enough to get through anything. I miss you and will constantly do so until we're no longer meant to miss each other.
Here's to moving on with life. After feeling as if nothing could bring me down, and then being dropped from the top of the empire state building as if I were the shit that a bird decided to shit out. Here's to impermanence and knowing that shitty situations don't stay shitty forever. Here's to love and it's many stages of growth. Here's to friendships that you hope will never die, but having to say goodbye because the hurt could kill you. Here's to life and all it's beauty. Here's to you and to me and to figuring out where we're all headed. Here's to me and finally allowing myself the pleasure of letting go. Here's to deciding to live life happily, but not through delusions.
