For reasons beyond my understanding, I feel that I lack conviction, no matter how much I try and no matter how much I love it, I feel that circumstances will not let me commit to my one true love, Maybe this is just me making excuse to rationalize my self-induced weakness, but I feel as if I am becoming more distant and weaker, a feel as if I am becoming a mere shadow of my former self. I feel as if the young naïve Anoop, which loved to train, and work hard, the Anoop that looked forward to every days training is long gone. I feel as if the ambition that I once had is slowly fading. I remember when I used to endlessly plan elaborate events and schemes, tinker with technology until it finally gave up its secrets to me, pursue knowledge for pleasure not necessity, I feel that those days are gone. Normally isn’t it the young who look up to the old, but I feel as if the older me is looking up at the younger me, as the younger shakes his head in disappointment at what I have become. I want to be able to feel it again, the thrill of the fight, the sweat running down my Gi, I want feel at one with my body again. Now you may not understand what I’m saying but any martial artist or even any athlete can tell you what I mean. I’m speaking of the moment when you’re in tune to every aspect of your body, your body moves exactly how you want it to before you even have to think about it, your fists cut the air as you punch and it feels greats, it feels sooo great. The feeling of when you are at complete peace with your body, and you have found the rhythm your body moves too, the moment when your mind and body begin to dance together.
Hey maybe I’m not making any sense at all and maybe I am, but god do I miss that feeling of completeness.
My biggest REGRET was ever leaving you, my biggest regret was losing my way, the way of the warrior-renbukan- now I thirst for it, but I don’t possess the streangth to gain it again.
My excuses sound weak even to me, I must fuel my passion again, and find my way back to the path of Martial arts.
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