Iyaki @2628km - Tumblr Blog

I’m back

Hii. Obviously, I’m back. It’s been so long. I can’t even remember the last time that I found comfort in writing my thoughts.

The reason why I was here before was that I felt so alone and lonely. I guess history really repeats itself ha!!

My One and Only Pride

Peculiar Fear

The thought of travelling alone. The isolation. The silence. The tranquility. It overwhelms me with excitement.

Somehow, I want people to discover my inner thoughts.

Why?

So that they will be able to help me.

What have caused me to easily accept things that doesn’t go my way? Simple. I just accepted that this is life and some things are inevitable. That even though I fight for it, I still get defeated.

I have had enough heartbreaks.

Undeserving

I don’t have the confidence to post my “behind the scenes of grad photos” and even photos of the upcoming ceremony cause I know I don’t deserve to be graduating. And I feel sorry towards my parents and brothers for I think I have failed them.

Purpose

Have you ever imagined the world. Imagine the people continuously doing their everyday chores. Imagine that there are billions of people in the world and you are just one. There, standing there. Lost. Trying to find your purpose.

When being broken isn't the main problem anymore, but yourself. Like, you then started to ask yourself "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY CAN'T THE PEOPLE I LIKE, LIKE ME BACK?"

I am as vast as the universe I am as full as the sea And I am also in between, trying to be as free as the air

Why ask if Im okay when you refuse to see the truth in my eyes in the first place?

All I can see are my flaws. I'm starting to believe that they were all that I'm made of.

"CHILL"

“Chill”. He said. When I first heard him say that my thought was that he was trying to calm me as it was my first day on my on job training. He said that twice on that day and I was really thankful of him for understanding. (Or I don’t know, maybe he was judging me already for my skills and he just keeps it to himself or everyone in the room is judging me for my lack of skills I don’t know. Who knows. Only them can know). But, that day came when Sir Marco asked me what was my thesis and I answered “tourism hub” and he (the chill guy) kind of smile? Why? I don’t know. But when sir Marco asked what was his thesis he said, “chill”. As far as I know he (chill guy) is not yet finished with his thesis or if he is currently doing it or what or how can he be a regular worker there if he is still studying or what. I DON’T KNOW. I NEVER ASKED. With that said, this was my first tought. “Naks! How well off could his family be that they are not pressuring or he is not pressured to finish his studies as fast as he can to earn money for his family” I was a bit envious. Actually I’m a lot envious. He can have his own life. Like he is studying for himself. Unlike me, I’m studying not for myself but because once I finished my studies, I’ll have to work and be the bread winner of my family. It is mandatory. Funny thing is, I’m the youngest of my siblings. It is not like I’m complaining, but the journey was.. The journey was sad.

Enough about me, as I think of that word again today. It made me think of the things that happened to him that made him like that. Like, “chill” in whatever you do. Because me, I believe that what we are now is the product of what shit life gave us. And the thruth is I kinda like that about him.

The First Payment Goal

I think, my first goal upon receiving my first payment is a little different from the others. Other people would probably want to buy things for themselves as that is what I want before, but there is something that I realised. My brothers keep on buying me and my mom foods which makes us of course really happy. That said, I wondered what it feels like to buy food for them. So, that became my first goal. I want to buy and bring home good food for them. More specially for my mom who haven't tried a lot of kind foods. It is very simple but the thought makes me want to earn the money already. It may be tiring but when you have a goal and it is for the people you love then, everything is doable.

I was feeling anxious again last night. I feel anxious every now and then. I don't know why. When I got home from school and was about to open the door, I just had this sad feeling and thought. "Again? I'm here again. Home but alone."

Will try to find myself again

#lost

This isn't goodbye. I'll be back. When? When I'm better.

This I promise you. Not the part that I'll be back.

But the part that I'll be better. No matter when or how.

I will be.

You'll see.

#personal #bye bye muna #deactivate muna

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