People said that a heartbreak is one of the worst pain you ever felt in your life, beside death of your loved one of course.
But losing your best friend is far worse painful.
I'm the type of person who rarely fully trust someone over me, basically because I got a rough childhood that made me the witness of my family torn apart. It took me years to fully gain my trust to my Mom.
I've been living alone since 14, when I enter highschool. There's only a really few person that I can entrust my back to, that I can fully expose everything. The Japanese said there's 3 kind of faces that each person have. The one that you shown the world, the one you shown to your closest, and the one you never shown to anyone.
When I deem someone as my best friend, they'll have a peak of what the 3rd face truly looks like.
People told me I can easily befriend people, even when we didn't know each other at all, totally random. Little that they know, its absurdly hard for me to consider someone as my best friend.
Lets call it best friend break up. In my life, I encounter that thing 3x. And those moments was some of the most hurtful thing that mess up with my mental state.
The first one is in senior high school. I'm close to his family to the point I was welcomed casually to their house, raiding their fridge, even when my best friend isn't home. Just a small mistake, and that friendship ends. I never knew what he do, or how is he till now. This one scar me to the point of me not trusting anyone but myself, friendship is just a concept of time that will eventually over.
The second one is in college. A random encouter made me get to know this girl. At first, it was her attractiveness and hobby that made attracted to this girl. Time goes by, it became love. But its not the love that couple share. Its the love for a friend, a best friend.
We share our secret, the ugliest deepest one, we cheerish the smallest things, we enjoy each other company, completely platonic. I've seen her strip her clothes, and its not lust that came out, its nothing. We cuddle up looking for comfort, but never goes more than that. Accidentally kissed once, and its awkward af, never again.
Funny thing is our birthday is less than a week apart, so we used to celebrate it together. We're that close that people thought we're dating, even both of our partner that time are jealous. Another funny thing is, when I'm in a relationship, she's single, vice versa. She made me a woolen bracelet that I still use in my leg till this day.
We broken apart when she's close with a guy, and that guy is obsessively jealous, and we're casually drifting apart. At first, I was clueless why would she pull herself away, no information whatsoever. I finally knew why after years and years later we randomly encounter each other in Jakarta. This one scar me to the point that I became a cold person. Doesn't gave a single fuck of what other thinks, since whatever I do, people got their own agenda and things, I will be focused on mine.
The last one was recently. I know my bro here from a game called Ragnarok. We encounter each other in place names Prontera, in the field below the city map. I was recruiting people to join my guild, when he came in an insult me and eventually join the guild.
Its like we became stupid duo, doing random things together in game name it hunting, flirting to girls, going on war, even encountered sensitive peeps that made the conflict inside the game rose to real life. He would back me up against anyone, literally anyone, vice versa.
At the guild real life gathering, we finally met in real life. We instantly became buddies, starting from where everyone else eating at a fancy expensive restaurant. I let myself out the building, saying I wanna buy a cigar, yet the truth is I wanna buy cheap fried rice outside. Waddya know, he think the same thing lmaoo.
We became bros. He's like my bro from another mother. We hang out at random places, supporting each other through the hardest shit, talking to girls, wing man-ing each other, etc. Simply broke idiot duo.
If I have money, we have money.
If you have money, we have money.
I known almost all of his encounter to girls, from a fling, crush, and exes. From the charming one, to those that destroy him. And I'm gonna defend his honor with everything I had. Vice versa. Remember when I had stupid fling with our mutual friend in your room when you're at work? LMAOOO, sorry bro, I properly clean your room tho, even tho he scold me due to his neighbours and landlord complaining at him over that girl scream so hard they heard it at the 1st floor. His room was at 3rd floor.
I remember his ex that cheated on him that tore him apart. That longest relationship he had, and that bitch surely regret her decision, I made sure of that. There's also that one plane stewardess that used him, and broken him apart. I swear if I ever met her face to face I'm gonna slap that hoe.
His downfall started when he lost his new job due to age limit. After that his confidence drop downfall to the floor. He barely knew how to flirt with girls anymore, he hardly get a job, got no money, his family is in trouble back then. I remember he called me from time to time the moment he start thinking to kill himself. I told him, don't you dare, if you wanna die, I'm gonna be the one that gonna kill you, no one else.
I help him flirt with girls by text, vice versa. He also support me on whatever stupid things I do. Its like, you jump, I jump, right after I laugh hard first.
And finally he get a job, more so at one of the government ministry. There, he regain his confidence. I remember at his first paycheck, he told me to check my bank account. He send me money after he split it to give to his parents and sister. Boy do I love this guy, no homo.
He helped me a lot when I start my perfume business, even tho we're thousand of km apart because we live in different island. I made sure to protect his girl that time behind the scene because we live in the same city.
This idiot broke up again, since his mother doesn't approve of this girl, and this girl is also... How to say it, not a social person? Awkward? Too egotistically demanding? She's a fine person tho, just not clicking on the right tune with him.
He lost his confidence again, think he would be alone. I remember that day, at 2023,I'm at dunkin donuts stall, doing a job over my laptop at midnight when he call. He told me, "dudee, you won't believe it. I met a girl! She's a junior in my college back then!". "I think I'm gonna get married next year".
It was a mixed feeling because I'm afraid that this is just another girl that gonna tore him apart again. But all my fear was wrong, she's the one that he was waiting for all these time. They really gonna get married! I'm overwhelmed omg omg omg finally this piece of shit gonna get married!!!
I told him, only contact me when there's something wrong, since he's on the path to the top, while I'm still figuring out myself. He need to focus so there won't be a slip anymore.
But that's the gong. At first, he called me to introduce me to that girl. It was fine back then. But after that, I feel that we finally torn apart slowly. The laughter isn't the same. The journey isn't the same. The insult isn't the same. Our friendship isn't the same. But I knew that for whatever reason, its for his good.
November 2024 is the month they tie the knots. I'm im the moment where I kinda struggling financially since there's a lot to pay for, and they married in far away town. But I remember our promise. When you wed, I'm gonna be your best man, vice versa. I never forget that promise. Not even once.
I scrap a chunk of my savings and went to that town. I contacted all of our other friends but looks like nobody came because they were busy. Still, I wouldn't miss it for the world, bro.
There I am. At the church. At the very back seat of that church. Sobbing like a girl seeing one of my best bro finally going to tie the knot and gone to next chapter of his life with this awesome lady as his wife. Mind you, in usual state, I'm this cold unseriouss, always joking around, and getting angry at simplest things kind of person.
But it feels like it's not like I went to my best friend's wedding. Its like I'm coming to an acquaintance wedding. It felt awkward. I gather my courage to step forward to them when the ceremony was over, going to congratulate them in person. But I ends up I'm just holding my distance, taking a video of them from afar, while smiling.
At one point, his wife ask me do I wanna get a picture with them? The usual me would just march on without a care in the world, being stupid, more so it's my best friend's wedding ffs! But no, I decline and said that they better took picture with others and goes to the car back to the hotel, while I retreat to random places.
Its raining, I remember. I'm alone for hours at that coffee shop, waiting for the reception party at 2pm.
When its 2pm, I march myself to the place. Thought I'm gonna see the reception ceremony, but no, when I arrive, the ceremony already ended, people already feasting at the foods. I'm dumbfounded, but its okay.
I try to joke around like usual, eating food while teasing them that I can eat while they stuck sitting in that bride and groom's throne stage. But the reaction wasn't it used to be. Its plain. I retreat outside to smoke, alone, I remember its raining because its hard to light up the cigar.
Turns out there's also member of our guild that came, 2 of them. I met them, share a laugh here and there, and gather my courage to goes on that stage personally. I went there, expecting that its all in my head, that nothing changed, I'm about to annoy him by saying his sister is beautiful 👀. But when I encounter him, its not the same anymore. I'm stupid, but I can feel it. An awkward hand shake, and awkward hug, an awkward small talk, a quick photograph with the groom and bride, and I'm gone out, smoking again.
I knew it, I can feel it. Its the change of era. We're not idiot duo anymore. He already focuses on the next step of his life, and I'm proud of him. I'm overwhelmingly happy because I also know how good his wife is, and I knew the both of them will thrive. I know its the chapter where I lost yet another best friend. Lost a brother. But he's happy, so I won't trade it with anything in this world.
In the middle of that rain, while puffing my cigar, I can hear The Fray's singing:
He smiles politely back at you,
You stare politely right on through.
Some sort of window to your right,
As he goes left, and you stay right.
Between the lines of fear and blame,
You begin to wonder why you came.
Somewhere along in the bitterness.
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known how to save a life.
It's officially the end of an era.
To my bro, I wish you all the happiness in the world with your new small family. Once again, congratulations to the both of you.
I wish you would always remember that I'm one call away if you ever in trouble, I came out running with all my might to deal at whatever troubling you. One call away. I promise you that. You know I never break my promise.
I'm sorry that I can only gift you a small amount of money. But if I had 100, you know that I would gave you 90. Because you're my bro. When I have money, we have money, remember?
You used to say to me when we're still playing that online game, "hurry up and log in you idiot!".
So this is me, Kumon, officially Logged Out.
I'm always gonna cheer for you on the sideline.
Have a good life, brother.
