Looking inside to the core.

I am a thinker and a doer. I listen and apply. I am understanding and accepting. The advice I give is based off my own personal experiences. I give and expect nothing in return. Long and in-dept discussions on ideas are the best. Follow @greeenappl3 for my reblogging page.

[3lppaneeerg]

Hello, World!(2019)

Four long long long long years since I made an entry.  What a crazy journey so far.  Got professional trained to be a Web Developer and Software Engineer.  Went back to get my Bachelors and possibly a Master and PhD.(Baby steps Manzano, you got this!

Friends still the same unfortunately.  Homies will be homies.  They have always had my back and I well be back better than ever for them like I used to.  Currently not in the best mindset but it is a work in progress.

I want to be my own cheerleader again, role model, all round great person.

Hopefully I will continue to put in more entries here.  I don’t have anyone to talk to anymore who would understand but its alright, I’m used to it.  Check out my previous posts.

I was so happy and safe being by myself before.  I just need to find that rhythm again.

[3lppaneeerg]

I just noticed that I unconsciously look forward to work cause I don’t feel alone.

[3lppaneeerg]

Anger

I am afraid of my own anger.  I have no control and will abuse anything in sight.  It is like another person in me trying to let it all go.  I fear that it gets uncontrollable that I start to hurt the people around me.

Many years ago when I was in middle school, my ex-best friend Kim annoyed the shit out of me one day and would not leave me alone.  I asked me her many times to go home and leave me alone.  She continued to not move a all.  My patience grew little and caused me to become violent towards her.  I grab a folding chair and started to smack her so hard for her to leave me alone.  Not to long that I realized that I was unconsciously taken over by this negative emotion.  In front of me was a friend crying and scared of the person that I became.

My childhood was the typical beatings every time I messed up or misbehaved.  They were usually administrated by my father.  He did not held back at all.  It just reminds me that someday I will be like him.  Always unhappy and releases his anger through force.

I try so hard to be nice and not become the violent person my dad is.  If you saw the holes in my room, they have a story to say.

All in all, i’m glad I found my boxing gym.  It has helped me a lot with my anger management.  Along with herbs, I've become a much calmer person.

[3lppaneeerg]

Friends.

What I've noticed through my 22 year journey through life so far is, not everyone can be your friend.  There would be many reasons to why certain people need to be let go.  You've grown up, grown apart, or just plain unnecessary.  

Do not be fooled by your loneliness.  Appreciate what you have and grow from it.  Use it to become the best people you could ever be.

[3lppaneeerg]

“The only dream worth having is to dream that you will live while you are alive, and die only when you are dead. To love, to be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of the life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget.”

 Arundhati Roy

[3lppaneeerg]

Hi

Yo!

[3lppaneeerg]

u are an ignorant fake person sometimes nd u tend to be shady too. Work on that cuz honestly think to yourself nd see if u really have real friends who actually got ur back I think u dnt cuz most of them probly dnt think ur real at all. No one cares

Thank you anon, now come talk to me maturely and we can have a conversation.  Communication is always key.  Also if you do not know me well then I am not of any concern to you, so you're wasting your time.  Something for you you to ponder on.

[3lppaneeerg]

Waking up (2013)

Right now it feels like I have woken up from the longest high I have ever been in.  Literally, I was high for 3 months straight and let me tell you how many fucks were given during that duration, SO MUCH.

Too much of a good thing is a BAD THING.

I am trying to bring my self back to the beginning of this year.

Ever since my dad left to the Philippines, no fucks given but that hella backed fired.  When he came back it was not the same.  I was becoming rebellions, inadequate, irresponsible, reserved, addicted.  Addicted to my own mind where I felt safe and no one could fuck with me there.  I could think whatever and no one would ever put me down for me.

EDIT: This post was created a more than a year ago. Its been sitting in my drafts and I completely forgot about it along with all the other post labeled with (2013).  Remembering back I did not have the best relationship with my father.  This post was born from that emotion.  It is a refresher to come back and look at how much i have grown from it.  Where I am in life is great.  To realize your mistakes before it get bad is the best solution you can ever do yourself.

I still get high 'til this day but not that way I used to use weed before.  Now I really respect marijuana and its glorious benefits and use it fittingly.  I do not buy in bulk nor use it to find friends anymore,  but I am glad I did cause it made me realize that I did not really need it to find friends but to coup with what I was feeling at the time and to distract myself from the true issue.

Sometimes you need to understand that freedom comes with responsibilities.  If you are not aware, not only are you hurting others but you are hurting yourself.

[3lppaneeerg]

One

Only one person to worry about

Cannot hurt others

Only one person to impress

Safe in your own thoughts

Will not be put down for being yourself

Will not be depended by another.

Do not have to worry if you are doing something correctly or not.

All 86,400 seconds will be mine.

I am only one person and I can only do sooooooooooo much.

I guess I still have not found him yet or perhaps I am not ready.

I am my own worst enemy and I never stop reminding myself.

I am always in a constant battle with myself and I usually never win cause I am so damn confusing and make everything difficult with the people I can about and especially myself.

[3lppaneeerg]

Standard Deviation (2013)

In the academic world, the world standard deviation is a value that represents the distance of each data point in a set from the average.

I reflect standard deviation is other terms.  I will break the phrase in its two words.  Standard is what is believe to be "normal" or what it is "suppose" to be.  Deviation is to stray from the "norm".

If you look at it from a English point of view, the world standard deviation is an oxymoron.

I will use standard deviation in my context.  Basically standard deviation is being anything but what society constitutes as "normal".

Identifying as a homosexual male has its perks.  Living under the impression that I am an oppressed individual  has gifted me the ability to think outside the box that what is actually presented to me.

I enjoy doing gestures that a person would not suspect that I would do normally.

[3lppaneeerg]

Independent is in. (2013)

[3lppaneeerg]

Mind (2013)

The mind is a marvelous and still unknown to human kind.  We have yet to discovery its full potential.

I believe the mind is capable of so much.  It basically constitutes how one decides to live.

At such a young age the brain is in the developing stage which paves way for any type of information to be absorbed by the mind.  This being said, anything that an infant interacts with or is introduced to will constitute their future self.

[3lppaneeerg]

Reevaluating (2013)

When you are bombarded by so many "outside factors", you tend to lose sight of what you truly want.  In other words, you lose yourself.  You will become slave to what the "outside factors" believe you should do. 

[3lppaneeerg]

Horrible at replying back? (2013)

You could say I am horrible at replying back.  For example, when I receive a text from anyone, I tend to look at the text but I'm so preoccupied that i dismiss seeing it. 

Honestly to text back right away can be ration sometimes 'cause I like to put a lot of thought in what I say and not regret saying it.

But my mind does wonder and I do forget about it or it really doesn't matter.

That's for me to decide.

[3lppaneeerg]

Behind Every Screen, There is a Story Untold (2013)

You are only given what that certain person what's you know know.  Do not assume. Ask and you shall receive.

[3lppaneeerg]

Straight front. (2013)

A proud gay male living in a such a heterosexual world is cool cause I get to surprise others that I'm not really straight, Lulz.

Not only it makes my day but also awares others that you should not judge a person by appearance, you never know what you would expect.

[3lppaneeerg]

Downe (2013)

LGBT

Living straight community

Hate

Comming out

Love/relationship?