45H

"an endeavor to die or create"

[45h]

Topic of Discussion: Dating

I've recently started to think deeper about dating. Since breaking up with my ex months ago, it's been quite a journey navigating post long term relationship and being single again in my hometown.

The week I decided that I was going to break up with my ex I had to make sure this was the decision I wanted to make. As much as I have so much love for him, it became draining. The fact is, our relationship was beginning to dwindle. To be honest, I had thoughts of breaking it off months before and decided to stay. Over those months it just proved to me how much it felt as if we were just not compatible. It was truly a heartbreaking thought to realize but staying would just be worse. We were long distance so only seeing each other every other weekend was taking a toll. Reminiscing on how I felt at the start, we grew so much from those 4 years. It wasn't either of our faults that this is where our relationship took us. I do miss him sometimes but at the end of the day I don't want to feel like our underlying issues are still there.

Moving on (literally), it was a rough start. I knew it was going to because I hadn't been single in about 3 years. I tried to talk to other guys soon after to reassure myself that I made the right decision but it was hard. I knew there were going to be some bumps in the road but holy fuck it's rough out here to date. Also, why did 2 different guys attempt to kiss me. It truly was too soon after that I didn't feel comfortable taking those steps yet, just talking to another guy was just enough for me. By the time I did get comfortable, it was a disaster. I finally folded I think a month or two after for a guy I kind of found attractive in high school and even went to the same college. I thought it was fine as I just wanted something casual but yeah naw he was not compatible. Didn't talk to anyone like that until this other guy I was starting to be into but basically got ghosted. Hadn't done anything casual until my birthday, which, yeah duh it's me HA but he's truly unreliable. Then, I'm not gonna lie, I had thought I found something casual again but this new guy is so fucking confusing and only seems to hit me up at night when he's been drinking UGH.

Forwards to current me, I'm starting to really feel like I don't want anyone. It's so hard out here that I can't even find a reliable casual thing. I fear it's just as complicated as starting a dating relationship. I just want something that's easy which is what I missed about the beginning of my last relationship. I truly do think that this is all for a reason and I do learn something from each interaction I have with these guys but it's frustrating. I try to focus on myself but when I do I seem to want to find distractions to my problems. There have been times where it does feel good to be single and not dealing with anyone.

My biggest issue I have and actively trying to fix is being alone. Whether that be with dating, friendships, or just when I'm out being social in general. For the sake of this post, I'm going to focus more on the dating aspect of that. When I was younger I think it was more apparent that I get lost in the idea of a prince charming. That idea was beaten down when every crush I had in elementary and middle school never liked me back. Feels like that still is relevant today where I pine after guys who don't want to date me. Maybe I need to go watch 500 Days of Summer to remind myself that once I stop doing that and getting strung along that there will be someone who is more compatible with me. Doesn't make it any easier to know that though.

Until next time,

45h

[45h]

First Post!

Topic of Discussion: socials

There are so many ways I could talk about this but I'll just go through the ones that come straight from the DOME. To get it started, I recently was reading through reddit about introverts and within that was a thread talking about the differences between introverts and social anxiety. It got me thinking what I leaned more into. Just based on my understanding of the two, I would say I AM A BIT more introverted in the way that I connect better in a closer space especially because I have a hard time hearing. Howeverrrrrrr, there are times when I feel so aWkArD around people that I don't know so well. One could say I put up walls but it's always been hard for me to be FULLY comfortable with someone which is why with time I open up a bit each time. I guess it goes into the people pleaser part in me but I've been trying to change that. Anyways, moving onto my next topic about socials is the part where we partially want to be liked or have approval for things we say or post. I started this to brain dump to be honest and put an authentic version of myself somewhere. So who should really give a FUCK is the person and having enough self confidence can shield the negative. ALSO having a good circle of people around can make it worth it.

Talking way more personally now, I'm trying to put myself more out there but it does get exhausting sometimes. That's usually where the anxiety starts kicking in for me because I start to become TOO self aware or just aware in general. I can't tell if this is because I bond or connect better one on one or in a smaller space. This could be because I also am more comfortable being alone but when I'm in a group setting I feel as if I need to put on more of a persona. Just constantly fighting conflicting versions of myself not knowing which one is the "real" me. That's the part that has followed me around my whole life. I want to connect with other people's "real" version but that's rare sometimes because they don't want to open up. Those that do and take that risk with me always have a piece of me no matter how shit ends. I will say that I'm not perfect and I'm aware of that. There's many things I've done in social settings that still haunt me to this day but I have to keep reminding myself that it isn't as deep as I'm making it out to be.

For some time now, I became somewhat of a recluse. I just removed myself from being perceived on socials because I felt as if I was becoming inauthentic or posting for others approval. I'm trying to bring back the part of me that didn't care about that shit and just wanted to have a laugh and be social. It's wild to feel like that part of me went into hiding. I think so much happened in between these two points that I kind of needed to do it so I could take a look inside of myself and be remind of the best parts that I had allowed people to take over. That's why I started this, I want to give myself grace to make mistakes and reflect on things that are on my mind. Also, just wanted to start some sort of self brand for myself.

Until next time,

45h