January 12th (falling in love twice)
Truth be told, I chose the art of wallowing in the loss of love for a long time.
564 days to be exact. 564 days I sat in the grief of losing myself in love and losing myself
Trying to figure out who I was outside of pain and the remembrance of what life was like when the sky was a beautiful shade of purple
I was simultaneously, trying to heal and let the love of myself lead me.
The journey of coming back to myself was a struggle, but there’s such beauty in the darkness I’ve been told
I discovered parts of myself that I didn’t even know existed until I went deeper and truly explored who I was.
I spent 365 days soaking up the dominance of another, feeling lost in the idea of them and not who they were in actuality.
I was terrified to fall again in any capacity. I was afraid of hearing the pitter-patter of the rain - the sinking feeling I would get in my stomach from the clouds going grey.
I had comfort in knowing the journey of self-healing wasn’t linear and not every day would be full of sunshine. So, I absorbed as much of life as I could, revelling in all its beauty and imperfections.
And I lived a little more…
I survived myself and the ruminating.
Then, I waited again… This time intentionally
I sat mindlessly living and forgetting they ever existed
For the first time in 91 and a half days, my heart felt at peace, I forgot your name.
The new cycle was among us, and I was exactly 12 days through the first passage
Ensuing, I saw you. It was fleeting
I was engrossed by your presence amidst the noise and the chaos
I quietly observed you for a moment, seeing your eyes light up at the atmosphere
The warmth and humility you exuded was alluring
I had never seen anything like it.
I blinked again and the noise had now settled. You were gone but your smile remained imprinted in my brain thereafter.
I needed to know you, deeper than the surface.
Intrigued, I searched for you again.
I found you, lost in between, blue, red, and purple
I waited to feel your presence again
Feeling the swarming in my stomach
Your presence was consuming but not overwhelming.
I enjoyed getting to know you on the surface
I searched for you but this time I couldn’t find you
There you were again… you reappeared in all your glory.
This time I got to feel you in the physical
That embrace... now and then it crosses my mind
Realisation crept on me like a hunter stalking its prey
You were now a full-time intruder in my mind, and I embraced you wholeheartedly
I am one little entity, one little spectacle in a universe so full of life and experience
It was refreshing and genuine
I was suffocated by the very thought of you
I imagined and reimagined you
How lucky was I to be awarded with your grace?
I laid before you naked and bare
I let you see me and feel me
I wore my courage like armour and let my fears slip away
The English language is far too premature to illustrate and articulate my love for you
You gave me the space to think coherently
Even when the darkness crept in again for 9 days, you illuminated.
My heart yearns for you, I am struck by your kindness, your warmness, your patience
You allowed life to feel light again
You gave me hope in dreaming again
You are a dream come true.
Truth be told, I chose the art of dwelling on the idea of you
Amid finding you, I found me.
snowghoul
gracieabrams
vaporwave
2087
