I am writing from a place of both grief and acceptance.
Making the decision to leave somebody who personified a tangible place of comfort; who, when seen as an experience undoubtedly shaped and taught you is very hard and unlike any other loss. But it is a loss. Sure, I was not left for somebody else. I was not cheated on. I was not deceived or left to fend for myself. But I am still at a loss.
What goes missing in the glorification of “realizing your own worth” and “knowing you deserve better” is a step by step manual that guides your escape from what you had complied with for so long. I am at a loss.
Can you turn to the chapter that tells me how to be happy in the loneliness I’ve devised? Or the one that lists responses I can recite to well meaning friends when they ask how I can be upset over my own decision? My dream guide is nowhere to be found. Yet again, I am at a loss.
Yes, I am proud of myself. I grew five thousand feet and became a flesh tarp that sheltered a pool of courage and strength and exhaustion. I gathered the objects I needed into a carry on made of gray matter. My self respect was folded neatly. Those I loved were zipped up in a secure pocket. My compassion, my sincerity, my best interests, my knowledge of what is right and what is wrong all flooded the brim of the carry on. I held my belongings to my chest
And then, I fled
It would be nice if you could come. If things were different and I could go on living that way. We could go to Alaska. You told me you wanted to go back to Alaska. There we are, a picture would be taken of us laughing and happy in the bitter cold. Taken with a lens so expensive that it showed a version of me, not constantly riddled with both doubt or hope every waking second. Instead, disillusioned, laughing with you in Alaska. Again, I am at a loss.
Leaving somebody who you grew to care in more ways than you did yourself is very hard and unlike any loss. Leaving the few qualities that you admired to the point where you allowed them to blind you, the skin and tendons that you sought refuge in every night, the kiss that never felt whole and left you craving more each time. Gone now.
I am at a loss.
I will heal, I am sure of it. When I fled I found skin thick and and impenetrable and have been wearing it as a cloak. I opened the gray matter carry on and its contents jumped out to embrace me. I will heal, I am sure of it.
It is nice to have made a decision whose repercussions were felt immediately. It is nice to have done this for myself. It is nice to not be crippled by dissatisfaction, worries, insecurities and feeling cornered. It is nice. But still, I am at a loss.
dailybridgerton
pixelskylines
ellievsbear
turnnoffyourmind
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