Its the Ups and the downs which will get you there @a-life-with-hope - Tumblr Blog

Over Sumer 2016 I started the recovery shoebox project, due to a wish to help as many people battling mental illness as possible, I’ve recently enlisted some help.

So, I wanted to tell you all about it- anyone in the UK who is fighting mental illness can request a FREE box for themselves or another. Boxes are designed to be a starter kit to help you create your own distress tolerance box. Each box is unique and tailored to the individuals needs and is designed to promote distress tolerance through distraction, self care and positive message.

If you want to request a box, please visit our Facebook or Instagram page (the.recovery.shoebox.project) and send us a message with your name/address and a brief summery of your struggles. No matter what you think of your worth, you are deserving and we want to help you.

We also have a crowed Funder for donations to help the priest grow as up till now I’ve been doing it out of my own money which is no longer feasible for the number of boxes requested. And we accept donations of quotes/colouring books, notebooks/small activities/ self care products/fidgets/ etc. There is no obligation but I though I would add it just Incase.

As this is a project run by those with mental illness, for people with mental illness, we are unable to give a time scale in which you will receive a box, however you will get your box! Part of the project is not only to help those suffering by sending out boxes, but for those involved to feel productive and useful with out stress and pressures. However we aim to get boxes sent out ASAP!

Please spread the words so we can help as many of those suffering as possible.

a-life-with-hope

Please spread the word so more people can hear about this project of mine and have the opportunity to receive a box

changingthedefinition

Eating disorder awareness week 2017

Due to the chaos of this past week, I’m leaving it very last minute to make my post for #edaw2017 this years theme is ‘early intervention’ which is something is feel very passionately in, with regards to all aspects of mental health, not only eating disorders. For many reasons early intervention is important it would improve success rates of treatment, it would allow treatment durations to be shortened, allowing more people to be treated and saving cost and mostly it would save lives! Eating disorders are MENTAL ILLNESSES, once physical signs show a person is already seriously ill (regardless of what eating disorder that may be). Eating disorders are often secretive disorders, so are often hard to notice early on. Changes in eating habits, obsession over appearance, changes in style, emotional/family/financial stressors, mood fluctuations, withdrawal, uncharacteristic comments or actions. If you have concerns about someone, don’t ignore it, approach them, support them and encourage them to seek the correct support ASAP. Eating disorders don’t have to be a life sentence.

changingthedefinition

Today is #timetotalk day from the campaign #timetochange .EVERYONE has mental health. Some people have ill mental health, other have better mental health- but just as with physical health, it can quickly change. Talking about mental health shouldn’t be a topic avoided or reserves for specific circumstances. Mental health should be discussed anywhere and any time; Whether you are discussing the stress of life, or how to relax in an effective and healthy way. Discuss hopes and dreams, fears and distress. Discuss personal experiences, both positive and negative. When you ask someone how they are, take time to listen. And when someone asks how you are, be honest. It’s ok to be well and it’s also ok to not be so well. However only by opening up and talking can we break down barriers and learn we are not alone. We never know what lies under a smile, and we rarely realise how many people have has similar experiences. But the more we talk about matters such as depression, stress, anxiety, the more we can share positive ways to improve our mental health as a nation. No one is immune, so don’t feel ashamed to talk. A 5 minute conversation can change a life, maybe even save a life and it’s about time we start helping each other with improving and maintaining mental wellbeing since its 1) a growing problem and 2) services are severely underfunded and over stretched meaning long waiting lists and limited treatment…. I’ll health, physical or mental, is not a weakness and you may even be surprised by how accepting people can be.

changingthedefinition

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Because I am the ultimate geek, please would anyone who uses, or has used previously, NHS mental health services fill in this for me (or pass it on for others to see/fill in). It is the work of a very tired Megan so please excuse any mistakes.

My personal experiences, the experiences shared on social media, the news, or experiences I have witnessed made me do some research into the service the NHS provides in regards to mental health. So far I have uncovered some alarming statistics and therefore wanted to collect some primary research to add to the *thing* I am writing.

Thank you in advance!!!

Shameless self promo

@changingthedefinition for personal repetitive rambles @withoutyouiameverything for recovery focused 'stuff' (I honestly have no idea how to explain it)

changingthedefinition

If someone tells you that you can’t, look them in the eye and say ‘I will show you!’ I was told I couldn’t do a lot of things. I was told I couldn’t last out of hospital and that if I went to college I would be self sabotaging and wouldn’t be able to handle the failure….. Today you are looking at the face of a person who just keeps in proving herself and others wrong!

Going to college is probably the scariest thing I have ever done. I didn’t want to go, but Katie wanted me to- she believed I could achieve my dreams- so I went and every day I wanted to quit, but each day I stuck with it. Today I signed off, I said good bye to college. I have finished with 39 distinctions and 6 merits.

I keep thinking I didn’t do well enough. I didn’t achieve what I could have done. I didn’t make friends or whatever else… But you know what, I’m walking across the stray grinning, I am proud of myself. Because maybe I didn’t get the grades I could have got, but it wasn’t about grades, it never was. College gave me room to grow as a person, structure which allowed me to stay out of hospital. I gave me confidence (or a little) to leave the house and for the first time accept a future! I hated college, but I’m also so sad to be leaving because college allowed me to achieve what SO many people told me again and again was impossible. It’s funny the story I just told, because although it was about college it could easily have been about recovery from any disorder…keep trying and never let anyone (not even yourself) tell you that you can’t! It’s not always about being the best, sometimes just knowing you did it becomes enough!

changingthedefinition

3/6/16-10:16

I know I keep mentioning it and I’m sorry, but it’s probably the achievement in life I’m most proud off.

52 weeks ago today, I went up to the nurse and begged to be discharged. After report out, my consultant and his minions came to talk to me. A mental health act assessment was discussed but decided to be bad practice. They decided that a meeting had to be held with my mum before anything could be decided. I was reluctant, but so desperate to leave ASAP that I eventually agreed.

Crisis team were asked to talk to me, the social worker was called to come see me and the evil psychologist even sat down to try and talk me out of my decision. They told me they were worried, that I would be able to manage, that I should wait until a professionals meeting is held, that maybe I should just go on leave and not be discharged. But I had my reasons as to why i needed to be discharged and I wasn’t going to not be.

52 weeks ago today, after over 56 weeks continuously in hospital, I was discharged. I was discharged simple because it was bad practice to resection me with out discharging me first. I wasn’t meant to last a week. I wasn’t meant to last a month. But Here I am 52 weeks later.

It hasn’t been an easy 52 weeks. It hasn’t been a straight forwards period of stability and recovery. But I made my mind up, that I was going to prove them wrong and I ran with it. I can survive out of hospital. In actual fact I can thrive out of hospital. I can do all the things they said I would never manage to do. I can cope with college. I can maintain my own safety. I can make my own decisions…… 52 weeks at home have helped me more that 56 weeks in hospital. Not because it was all plain sailing, but because I was allowed to live, I was allowed control, I was allowed to decide what happened next. 52 weeks at home saved me, when the best part of 7 years in hospital repeatedly tore me down.

One of their reasons for making my last admission so long was that they couldn’t offer the support needed in the community. They said I needed X, y and z- but I have survived 52 weeks with limited support. With no help to reintegrate into the community. With no psychological input. With very very limited psychiatric input. With a CPN desperate to resection me (who I fired) and a ED speciality refusing to answer my texts of desperation. However I did land myself with the most incredible GP who I will always be grateful for. But they said I needed more support than they could offer, but instead I got to this point alone, because I am capable!

I have never believed in recovery in an inpatient setting. No one ever believed me when I said I would do better at home. They told me hospital was the only option, that if I wasn’t in hospital I would be dead. Yet I took control and I choose to come home and I fought and I battled and 52 weeks later, I’m still fighting and battling but I’m also proud. I’m proud that I achieved something no one ever believed possible.

And after 52 weeks of living on edge, constantly believing my freedom would be taken from me at any moment, today I can finally sigh a breath of relief and trust my freedom is to stay.

changingthedefinition

1/6/16-22:53

As a person I’m ambitious. I always deny having dreams, if you ask me what I want from the future I will most likely answer that I want to be dead. And although that’s not a lie, I truly do want to be dead, the story is a lot more complex than it first may seem.

I’m a person who sees life as it is a lot of the time. We are born and then we die- what happens in between, well what difference does it really make? Those with religion may talk about an after life, but I always wonder what is the purposes to loving.

And then there is the side of me who desperately wants to make a difference. I want to be that person who changes the world and is discussed in schools and around the dinner table in future generations. I want to be the person who fixes what’s broken in a way which can not be broke again. So in reality, I want to do the impossible.

And when these two aspects of me combine it creates a very tricky situation. Because if life has no meaning and I can’t achieve what I want from life- then really, why should I continue???

I don’t want to give up on my dreams though, however impossible it might be. When I was at primary school and people wanted to be an artists or a singer or a teacher- I wanted to be a doctor, it’s all I ever wanted. My mental health stole that dream, and although it’s impossible, I still push towards it. I create complex and drawn out plans to find loop holes so I can, one day, become a doctor.

If you have a dream, you should always fight for it, no matter what stands in your way. If you have a dream, even if it’s impossible, you should work towards it. Because maybe you will never achieve 100% of what you set out to, but at least you tried your best.

So tonight I’m here and I’m thinking. I’m thinking about my past, my present and my future. Thinking about those I care about and those I don’t. I’m thinking about the country and the world and even the universe. And in the end, it all comes back to my dream.

Does anyone remember the days when we would spend hours playing in the sims? Creating an ideal family, home, life? Well I used to build my dream, the best I could on a computer game not designed for the purpose. And after i would write up documents, detailing the ins and outs of how it would work. At the time I had limited insight, I was 13 when my ‘big dream’ grew. But now, 10 years later, it’s still something I’m passionate about.

Ambition and dreams will either be the thing that makes me or breaks me, but either way, I want to know I tried my damn hardest. I want to help those I can, the best I can. I don’t want to 'save’ people, but rather make the difficulties of life easier, more comfortable. And what makes life the hardest for me isn’t my mental health, but rather that my mental health stands in the way of letting me achieve my ambitions.

I’ve tried so hard to get better. I don’t engage in ANY destructive behaviours. I try my hardest to let people in. I take my meds and I force myself into life- regardless of how scary it is. I’ve change what’s with in my control. I gained self worth and self confidence. But it’s not enough and I need it to be enough, because this CANT be it! I need there to be more than this because even if I can’t fix the world, I need to know i tried the best I can.

College ends soon and then I have 3 months of summer. There are so many things I want to achieve in that time and I need to be able to. I need my mood to life and my mind to not be so foggy so that for once, even just for a few days, I can function and achieve.

I want to be dead, but I also want to be the person who didn’t give up in the impossible- because in the eyes of some, I have already achieved many things no one believed to be possible.

30/5/16-10:34

Just popping by the day I've not forgot about this account- I'm just sharing more of my life over on @changingthedefinition . Thing have been hard, but also incredible. I have been out of hospital for 51 weeks when no one believed I would last a day. I have almost finished college- I have 2 weeks of exams left after half term and then Im done. I've been climbing more frequently. Looking after the kids when I can and really enjoying it. Seeing friends. Life isn't easy, but I'm succeeding more than ever before.

changingthedefinition

11/5/16-21:49

It wasn’t that many years ago when I was at school, but in such a short few years so much has changed and it’s heart breaking.

As I sit and write this my sister is sat crying her eyes out to my mum. Her GCSEs start shortly and for the past 2 years her mental health has been effected by the pressure to excel.

I look after a 7 year old, who goes to school each day just like I did, except for now he is barely allowed to be a child because home work needs doing at home and at school, how dare they play? What ever would health and safety have to say about children being children?

People say that your school years are the best years of your life. And once upon a time I think that was most likely very very true- but now I disagree hugely. The average school pupil has the anxiety levels for which people were hospitalised for in the 50’s, now surely that is not right or fair.

From a young age were are played against one another. At first it’s developmental milestones, and soon after we simply learn to write we are set SATS. The most talented pupils are put into gifted and talented and everyone else is told they aren’t enough, they must be better- even if the words are never spoken.

By the time you are 14, you are narrowing down your subjects to a selection which could limit your options for later on in life. You are learning complicated maths equations and analysing books which you have little interest in. But no longer is it ok for you to simply get 5 GCSEs about a grade C, you must be the best, you must get 100% across the board.

And I’m sorry for saying this, but very few people in life excel in all areas. I personally excelled in science, for others they like the arts and others it’s sports… But those individual strengths are what allow society to work. If we were all able to do everything, that would be very odd indeed. Yes some skills are key to life, to be able to read, write and do simple maths will aid your life, but you know what- YOU DON’T HAVE TO GET STRAIGHT A* TO BE GOOD ENOUGH!

You don’t need to meet all your target grades to be good enough, just attempt what you can and if you don’t know something, that’s ok! We are humans no encyclopaedias we aren’t meant to know everything.

Teachers are under pressure for the pupils to receive grades and for schools to move up league tables and so on, but in no world is it fair to compromise a humans health simple to make yourself, your school, your profession look better. Students are people, they are young and impressionable and constantly drilling it into them that they can’t have fun or that they have to study 20 hours a day or even that they have to be exceptional, is never going to create a well rounded and happy adult, ready for real life.

Life is about so much more then education from books and exams. Life is about social skills, experiences, communication, adventure, learning life skills (how to pay a bill/buy a house/write a cv). Life is about discovering who you are and having fun developing your strengths and weaknesses. And I think that’s what society forgets a lot these days (well those with the power anyway).

But the point of what I want to say with this post is that for a lot of people from primary school, to university, summer is a time of exams in some form or another. It’s a time where the pressure build and sometimes the emotions explode. And right now what I want to say to all those who have exams, now or in the future, at what’s ever strange in their education- so long as your try, that is enough!!! You don’t need to get perfect grades, you simply need to do the best you can manage.

And yes grades have some importance, but nowhere near as much as what we are taught to believe. Once you sit your GCSEs, they becoming worthless very quickly. If you fail an exam you can resist it at a later date. If you don’t go to university when you initially planned to, that’s cool to, you can explore life and maybe find something more suited to you. There is no time limit to when you have to be free of education, when you can stop trying to further yourself. And despite what society says, you are never to old or to late to try again. There are always options. And it’s a nice feeling to get a good grade, I get that, but it’s not the end of the world if you don’t achieve what the teachers push you to believe is essential!

During exam season and education in general, you HEALTH IS IMPORTANT, more so than any exam grade. So remember it’s ok to put down the books and Go for a walk or see some friends! It’s ok to take a day off and just sleep. It’s ok to manage simple what you can manage. Eat, drink, sleep plenty, socialise and do what you can. To succeed you don’t need to constantly revise but you do need regular breaks and to look after yourself.

And on results day don’t kick yourself because the grades in your envelopes are less than perfect, if it’s above a C, you should be very very proud of yourself! And in areas you preformed weaker in, there are other opportunities and actually most of the time just sitting the exam and trying your best is defiantly good enough. You are enough, no matter what, grades do not define who you are. You are more than a grade!

So whether you get straight A* or a U in every subject, it doesn’t matter, it won’t bring the end of the world. Please don’t punish yourself or stress yourself over something which once your are older will have no significance what’s so ever!

Do what you can and relax- it will be ok. All anyone can do is ask you to try. It’s just important to realise that any grade is still a grade and if you tried then that’s ok and that’s enough!! So be proud of yourself!

So now, for all thought stressing over exams and the high expectations society unfairly breads into us from birth, please please please put your health first. With out health your education is pointless and education will always wait for you.

Get early nights and a good sleep routine. Arrange to see your friends and get out of the house. Spend time doing things you enjoy. Eat plenty and drink plenary- your mind needs food and water To recall information and to help you concentrate and focus. Take regular breaks whilst studying, the human mind can’t focus long at all. And if you are stressing over something your mind won’t be as productive anyway so BREATHE!

You’ve all got this, no matter what your academically capabilities are or what circumstances you are battling behind closed doors. Stop listening to the pressure the teachers are unfairly pushing on to you and instead just do what you can!!!

You are a person is what’s important, not what grades you end up with!!

#Megan has deep thoughts #exam season #don't stress #health over education #grades don't matter

Depression awareness week

This week is depression awareness week. It's hard for me to write anything for this, because currently the depression in my life is clouding my mind and stealing my words. Depression is a word which is thrown around a lot in day to day life and the overuse of the word has lead to many misconceptions. 'Depression is just laziness', is one of those which infuriates me. Depression isn't laziness, for me to spend days at a time in bed isn't because I can't be bother to do something, more that I physically can't do ANYTHING, even breathing feels impossible. Sure some people with depression are also lazy, but there is not a correlation between the two. 'I feel so depressed today,' is another throw away comment that our society uses, however, sadly, depression isn't just having a bad day. Depression isn't feeling upset after a falling out or having a day where you aren't your normal self. Depression is indescribable. It's a numbness which lasts for months at a time. It's not being able to laugh with your friends or cry over sad news. Depression makes simple every days tasks we take for granted, require more energy than swimming an ocean. Depression is a constant tiredness and the inability to believe there will ever be more to life than the depression. For some people depression is a period of longer than 2 weeks of feeling tearful (and a few other symptoms). But at the other end of the depression spectrum is a depression which leave a suffer unable to use a toilet. And in some cases clinical depression can turn into psychosis if left untreated. For me, depression is something which effects me every day. It leaves me feeling that everything is pointless, because this is it. It leaves me believing I can't get better, or maybe I'm not even ill, I'm just incapable. And when people ask about the future, all I see is a continuing darkness in which my body will be to heavy for me to even hold myself up, let alone be able the thrive in. People talk and I know that there is noise, yet words have no meaning and writing is just squiggles and to talk, well it's no longer second nature. For me depression isn't tears, it's a lack of all emotions. It's an inability to have any thoughts, opinions, ideas. Depression is a paralysing agent and a glass cage, stopping me from connecting with the world. And no, before you think it, I can't just 'snap out of it,' I can't just 'do it anyway'-because the majority of the time, I can't tolerate being awake let alone find a way to connect my mind to my body and find the energy to move. And what makes this sad is that so many people suffer like this and we don't know, because we think they are lazy or miserable and how does someone even find the words to express all that depression is? Our modern society would have you think that adult colouring and mindfulness/meditations were a quick fix and pharmaceutical company's would like anti depressants to be handed out like sweeties- it would be great if these were always the answers. But everybody responds differently to treatment. For some people the episode passes on by, for others treatments such a electro convulsive therapy are the only hope of an answer. And the exact cause of depression also varies from person to person. Sometimes it's due to genetics, neuro chemicals or even life circumstances. But regardless of the cause or even the severity, Depression life limiting and potentially life threatening illness. Depression feels lonely, even when you are surrounded by people. We all need to talk more so on the darkest days, no one feels alone and so we can spark hope that recovery is possible.

Hi :) I'm the one who messaged about sections not existing in the U.S. Thanks for replying! That's so interesting/odd to me that you guys have so many inpatient facilities yet so few outpatient options--it's literally the opposite over here and we're up to our eyeballs in therapists ;). I wonder if one support structure kind of has to occur at the expense of the other one?? Would be intriguing to research...

I think because our services are payed for via the NHS in the majority of cases there is very limited funding. Most therapeutic options (including inpatient) are commissioned to private hospitals. And the NHS generally provides acute services and the odd specialist unit (such as eating disorder wards). Because each area is a different NHS trust, they all have different ways of spending their budget. I know in my area, for adult mental health, we have an acute psych ward (it's supposed to be short stay/ assesment) and a recovery unit for low risk patients and then the rest is on an out patient basis but there are no day patient options as the funding was withdrawn from that area. There only 4 psychologists for the whole area and 2 out patient psychiatrists in part time contracts. People are allocated nurses but they are very often utterly useless and because of having around 100 patients in their case loads are only able to offer occasional appointments. Up until this past year the ed service in my area consisted of only one nurse and a part time dietitian ( I think they now have a support worker to??). From what I know the majority of care in the states is private and therefore there is in theory a bigger budget and means to access therapists allowing people to gain help in a way that supports them, rather than by just what's available. If people have private health care in the uk there are options available, however not many people do.

Hey :) Do you know if Hannah McKee still has a tumblr? Have a nice day :)

I have no idea, but I am very doubtful that's he does. I don't talk to her much these days but I know she uses Instagram to capture her day to day life.

Hey there, Random thought: Reading through your blogs, I'm kind of blown away by how often you talk of being "sectioned" and locked away for months at a time. I guess I just want to reassure you that that is as much a mark of where you happen to live as anything particularly "wrong" with you. I live in the States, and it's literally difficult to get even a 72-hour hold if you're wildly suicidal. And long-term hospitalization? Virtually unheard of. Move here if you want, we're laid back ;)

Hey, sorry I have only just seen this- it made me smile after a very difficult day! In the uk sections are supposed to be a last resort and only if it's the least restrictive option ( can you very be MORE restrictive than a section?) but I have had far far to many mental health act assessment and sections. Between May 2012 and May 2015 I only spent 23 weeks as an out patient. Acute psych wards aren't meant to be Long stay, but often they are due to a lack of out patient options and very few day patients around the country that are still open. I think in my locality ( and possibly nation wide) the mental health act is used as an assertion of power rather than in a correct way. However I have no learnt what I should and shouldn't say in one to be able to get home. To be fair though, a lot of time especially during my last 13 month admission- I didn't actually need to be in hospital by there service has become very risk adverse when they are meant to take positive risks. I do think that my out patient consultant does mean well when she tries to section me as she says she is fearful I will successfully kill myself, but it's when I am admitted it all falls apart as her short term admission plans all get forgotten. I know some people though who desperately need inpatient treatment and are left in the community despite high risk and presentation. I'm not really sure why I end up admitted so easily. However at the moment I can't even get my nurse to text me back so all is good! The mental health act is an odd thing and I'm not really sure if it's a good or bad thing. But I'm doubtful I ever was needy of sectioning

changingthedefinition

It was hard to get to this point and in no way would I consider my self as recovered- but I’m also not sure I’m ill either.

For years I went round and round in circles. Relapse, hospital, get better, go home, relapse…. And so the cycle repeated.

Once I entered adult services, everything that was me was taken away. I was stopped from dancing, from gymnastics and from education. What 18 year olds want to be friends with the quiet outsider who is in hospital more than not? I lost everything that meant something and in losing those thing, I lost myself. All this this was reinforce the lies my illness feed me.

So the cycle was easily continued. What reason did I have to make changes? I had nothing left in my life- what was I fighting for? What was the point In changing? Because changing would mean giving up what My life was, all over again, for an unknown.

But that wasn’t a life I ever wanted. I didn’t want hospital admissions. I didn’t want unnecessary sections. I didn’t want to be left behind. I stayed stuck because What was my alternative option? I couldn’t see a clear alternative and that was terrifying.

I grew to understand this new ‘life’ of hospitals. A life away from education and dance. A life of medical terminology and ignorant mental health professionals. Nurses became my friends and family and hospital bed felt safer than my own bed. I had already lost a life I knew. And I really don’t like change. why change again, no matter how hellish this life was, why would I take the risk of uncertain change?

But eventually time ticked by and I watched life pass in by. Friends were now graduating university, having children, thriving in life. And one day I jumped into the deep end with out knowing how to swim and hoped I wouldn’t sink. No one believed I would survive. Everyone believed I would drowned. But hey- I have been at home since the 5th June 2015 and today is 16th March 2016…

I left hospital to a life that didn’t exist. All I had known had been taken from me time and time again and I was back to square one again. Was it worth the effort of building up a life for it to be stolen again? How was I going to face life this time? Turn back to what I knew again? Overdose? Self harm? Starve? I could avoid everything that way. It wasn’t functional but it was sustainable. I didn’t have to face what scared me. I didn’t have to face the task of building up a life.

But I made a choice… And sometimes having a stubborn side comes in handy.

Nah, I wasn’t going back to what I had known for years. No one believed in me and I was going to prove them wrong. So I took my challenge and ran with it. I created a life in which I was ME.

Yeah I’m odd and weird and sometimes very isolated, but I’m me and I LIKE me. I face challenges every single day and I often think ‘maybe I should just stop, hide behind my mental health and it will all go away.’ But how on earth do I ever expect to get anywhere is each time it gets scary I hide behind the very thing which makes me lose everything and have to start all over again?

I want to be dead. But right now I am alive. And I could be alive in hospital, living under the control of power hungry professionals. Or I could live at home where I can be someone, where I can do something, where I can achieve. I know which one I would prefer.

Right now I find the most simple things exhausting. But I’m me. I’m building up a life in which I can be Megan and I can be kind and I can ask others to help when I’m not sure of a way round something difficult. I go to college, I look after two beautiful children. I go shopping and out for lunch with friends. And I have the option of university very soon!!

I had nothing. Because my mental health stole everything. And in an instant I could hide behind illness for ever more. But that’s just self for filling. If I can do nothing how can I ever be anything? I could avoid all that’s difficult by starving my self time and time again, but what quality of life is that?

I have a life now. A life that I don’t know the destination of, but it’s one with some sort of purpose. I have a life in which I have commitments so I can’t overdose whenever and one in which I don’t want to self harm at all.

I’m not 'recovered’, I don’t lead a life to which recovery in the social media is portrayed. But through creating an identity and building up a life in which there is NO place for illness and hospital and false disorder influences changes. I’m creating a life in which I can live, create possibility and be a person I’m occasionally proud of.

I’m me and I’m a person who can survive in the world IF I choose to. Yes each day is a battle to find energy and motivation, but I would pick this life over the life that was keeping me trapped and in hospital any day.

To me recovery isn’t a real concept. I don’t believe in meal plans and other limitations imposed by therapists. I could never recover by been told what and when to eat or having Limited access to razors and no time alone. That wasn’t real and could never be sustained.

My greatest leaps came from losing the identity of a persons other mental illness and becoming myself instead. It’s not perfect, but for me it works.

Sometimes all I takes is one crazy courageous leap and a little bit of stubbornness. Life is scary and it changes and often the next step is unknown. But choosing to be yourself and trusting in your abilities, instead of hiding behind an illness is 100% worth it!!

It won’t ever be easy and there is no right or wrong way to live- no guide to follow. But you are a person who deserves to shine and whilst you stay in the comfort of an illness and a marked out path, you will never get to shine brightly!

Give past you and future you a chance. It won’t ever feel the right to make a change. It might never feel like it’s a reality- but choose what matters, over a safety net. Use your words and problem solving skills to get round the difficulties and let your self find your true identity. It’s a risk worth taking!

Self injury awareness day 2016

It's odd- how we change and grow and adapt. As a child I tried to talk up and no one listened So then I internalised it all As I grew up I punished myself for eating. And I sliced my skin to all out the calories. This body wasn't mine, it was damage and dirty and not ok. I needed to shrink back to before it all was taken. I needed to be punished as they punished me To harm myself became an addiction. An illogical addiction and over the years I grew to a point where I would cry. Cry because I didn't want to draw the blade across my skin. I didn't want anyone to know my secrete, God I didn't want attention So I made the decision to take a step forward and slowly by shortly I came to understand that just because they caused me harm, I didn't deserve to inflict anymore pain upon myself Now it doesn't bother me. I'm a lucky one. I don't get urges- possibly due to what I was aiming to achieve through myself harm, opposed to aiming to cope. So I'm a lucky one, in my own little way, because I didn't have to find a new way to manage..... But there are so many ways to move in past self harm and learn that you are worthy of more or even just able to cope with out inflicting injury upon yourself. Allow yourself to feel: emotions pass. Allow your self to confront what is causing you pain and work out a plan to manage /deal with the situation. But most of all, be kind to yourself: You wouldn't be so mean to someone else for feeling this way, so please don't be so hard on yourself!!!! Hold ice, take a bath and shower, wear your favourite clothes, wash your hair/pain your nails/moisturise, do a jigsaw, complete a word puzzle, complete some crafts, go for a walk, stay around people, write, draw, listen to music, watch a film, make some future plan (positive) to aim for, stress balls, fidgets, stop and breathe, count backwards, say the alphabet, hot water bottles, heavy blankets, pet an animal, phone a friend....... Keep going!!! Remember staying strong is often allowing yourself to feel the pain....you've got this!

27/2/16-23:17

Not that anyone is interested, but I need to sleep and I'm avoiding it, so decided to write a little update. Things are a little all over the place at the moment. My depression is continuing to interfere with my life with no signs of letting up. On Monday I had my CPA meeting though it was very much a waste of time. Gordon has been removed from my care and is not getting replaced. Which means I have input from Tony and Tony alone. Considering the reason my inpatient admission was so long was because they claimed not to be able to manage me at home- this is a little odd. Though in many ways good. I tried to push for discharge but because my depression is so debilitating dr ker wasn't happy about that at all. In her words she was 'sneaky' and worked round my reluctance to answer questions and then decided that she wanted me to have a mental health act assessment so there was never a conclusion to my CPA and my argument as to why I don't want to see them still remains unaddressed. I had my mental health act assessment and thankfully I was allowed home. However predictably my head went into shut down after so many meetings to process and I ended up sat on a pavement against a wall for an hour or so. A lot of kind passers by asked if I was ok, needed help getting anywhere and so on and eventually the police turned up. I was fine, but they decided to put me on a section 136. When they phoned crisis team, the nurses response (she hates me and always has done) was 'do you have to bring her to the 136 suite I have notes to write' so they took my but the nurse said she wasn't happy to admit me until I was checked over in a&e because I had meds in my purse (yes I have chronic pain so i have meds...). All the chaos pushed my mind to far and I went into meant down mode. The police were lovely and the ambulance crew (who has previously done a transfer with me) were so kind- but I felt so terrible for them wasting their time when it was unnecessary I only worked my self up more. The a&e staff were lovely and although I shouted at mum at first, having her there always calms me downs. The a&e dr wouldn't let me go until my heart rate slowed down and she tried to make it so I didn't need a psych assessment but in the end I had to. When I went back to the 136 suite my one and only favourite HCA from the psych ward came to sit with me whilst the crisis nurses watched in. They chose Lynsey specially because they knew it would make me a lot calmer than if it was anyone else. So I sat and talked to Lynsey for a few hours and had a catch up, which was nice, though I wish never to see her again in the nicest possible way. Whilst me and Lynsey were talking, the night shift crisis team nurse was moaning to my mum about how the same patient had phoned 2x that day and I'm just like 'surely that's the reason they are under crisis team, but also proves why I would never phone them. If they are so unwilling to support people (they once refused to see me when I was technically sectioned but under them on section 17 leave because I had self harmed/ they hung up on me when I told them Katie was in a bridge and had overdosed and I didn't have the ward number so would they put me through....) if you don't want to help people why work in that job. Earlier dr ker had asked if I would agree to a crisis team assesment and my response was no because they refuse to work with me. And I was 100% accurate. So at 2 am my most hated consultant and a social worker came and asked me 'what do you plan I doing if we let you go?' To which I replied 'I have college at 9:30'. So I was allowed to go home with no changes to my 'treatment'. And went to college on Tuesday whilst struggling to stay awake. Oh and I haven't heard from any psych person since to arrange appointments or even as replies to my texts... But my GP has been a god send this week (and for a while actually) she is trying so hard to support me in any way her 10 minute slots will allow for. She has offered to do 'work sheets' with me, she has prescribed me duloxatine (I had never heard of it) and she is looking into trials of a new treatment for depression for me. I have 4 college assignments due in 4 weeks and I'm yet to even attempt to start. My mind is frozen and processing anything at all is impossible. However today I forced myself to spend some times with Mike and though difficult, I'm glad I did. I keep sleeping in my clothes and not washing or showering. Tonight we went out for dinner though and I'm struggling with that a lot now. So yes, things are difficult, but I'm still going. I just don't understand why they won't discharge me from outpatient services when they aren't offering me anything useful, or well anything...

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