Truth and Only Truth

Little Heartbeat

[a-m-rose]

i know my tendencies of becoming a burden to you and your tendencies of showing me that i really am.

[a-m-rose]

and in just one glimpse i become your chaos which you wanted to escape from

[a-m-rose]

if she truly is better than me, you won’t have the need to slander me as you highlight her.

But I understand now.

You can never escape darkness without light. People who are in darkness need to take an inch of your light just to get out from it.

You’re the one who’s putting your child always behind my shadow ever since we’re young.

I learned how to draw by myself. It’s a self made talent. You saw it, so you put your child in art class during summer.

I ventured piano. I was inspired by music when i saw a toy piano from trash. You saw how i was trying to learn on my own. You are amazed so you hired someone to teach your child how to play organ. You even bought her a real instrument for it. When i stopped, she did too.

I was chosen to represent my class in English Declamation. I won second. The next thing I knew, you put your child to Speech Lessons during summer. You knew i wanted it too but my parents can’t afford it. So i only went to support your child. I even memorized the entire Play to somehow help her. Turned out, she’ll only get the narration part, and not even one of the characters nor the main one. She was sad but she was able to enjoy it because we were there to encourage her, when you’re not. I still continue that talent. Going back to school, you let your child join Declamation too. Haha. It’s really funny that you made a competition between us.

I am always aware.

We became teenagers. We both love music, since we sing a lot. That is your child’s main talent. To sing.

But then, high school is not fun without learning new stuffs. I was so inspired in song writing because of Taylor Swift. That was the first time in my life that i pleaded to my aunt to buy me guitar. And she did. Finally i had my own guitar and learn it on my own AGAIN. You saw it AGAIN. And i saw how you bought guitar for your child when she doesn’t even know how to play. Even until now, she only knows basic chords but doesn’t even strum the right way. That’s the truth.

I continue writing songs for her to sing.

Years passed. I went to college. She’s still in high school. I took up Architecture. Next thing i know, you were planning to make her take up Interior Design. Something close to my course. I really wonder why.

I don’t mind at all. Because i share what i know, always from the heart. Yet you’re jealous.

I don’t care if people find your child way better than me. I am best on my own, not needing everybody’s applause and attention. I hope she knows her worth as i always knew mine.

I am my own beautiful so is your child.

Christ died for me, so is for you and your child.

Don’t twist the story as if I am the one being jealous of your child’s existence. If i was, i would’ve not shared many things to her. I should’ve not been good towards her, if good is a word for my deeds.

I am never good, God knows that.

So you’re free to take an inch of my light if you think your daughter is in great darkness. You can take anything from me to lift her up infront of others.

Ruin me all you want. That’s the only thing you can do.

My talents? They are mine. Your daughter can have the same but they can only flourish if she truly is making it on her own.

I use my talents not for my gain anyway. They are from God so it is for God.

If there’s one thing you can never ruin in me, is my joy and little victories, which also are the things God gave to heal even my reputation.

Take care.

[a-m-rose]

i can do what you did. but i won’t do it. we’re not the same.

[a-m-rose]

And there it goes. Same repeated patterns since 2005. I cannot say if I’m surprised again. It’s always me the problem. They are all perfect hypocrites.

[a-m-rose]

Just so you know, I’m always aware of the many betrayals you did to me but unlike you, I don’t retaliate nor think about how to plot against you. I don’t even want to make a point anymore. It’s always gonna be worthless for someone who manipulates and twists everything. Unlike you, I don’t wanna play the victim and portray it magnificently. Antagonize my character all you want. You’ll always remain there at your finest work of art ——- playing the victim.

[a-m-rose]

“Let it be” means you don’t retaliate no matter how much you know and even when you are fully aware of it.

[a-m-rose]

Wise advice: It won’t become a problem if you don’t think about it too much. Let go. What will be, will be.

[a-m-rose]

i don’t retaliate anymore. i just let them go crazy about false narratives about me. what’s the point of saying my side of story nor explain the truth, when they all are so confident in believing with lies —— that they too, made up?

[a-m-rose]

the love is there but the trust is gone

[a-m-rose]

whenever i burst, it only means that my patience has reached its thinnest and that i had no room to be so convenient of your disrespect any longer.

[a-m-rose]

be accountable with your mistakes. big or small. you’re not perfect and admitting it wont make you less of a person.

[a-m-rose]

if playing the victim can help you earn money, i must say that by now you’re rich

[a-m-rose]

disappointment is a few blocks away.

frustration is adjacent to it.

[a-m-rose]

i’m sorry if history did not repeat on me.

your past is never my future.

i am not to blame for all your mistakes neither was I the result of your wrong decisions.

stop seeing me as a punishment of your guilt.

you don’t have to treat me so indecently for a lesson you might be having the hard time to learn, or for habits you can’t unlearn.

i never chose you. you never chose me.

but if there’s any confusion of who the victim of this trauma, it’s not you.

I am.

[a-m-rose]

i’m here. still gonna support you from afar.

[a-m-rose]

here goes the silent treatment AGAIN when you can actually tell me that you’re leaving