Three and a half years since I got sick(er) and I'm finally starting to get a handle on my symptoms. The process of figuring out what works for me has been long and excruciating as I haven't always had the resources to facilitate improvement. As much as we're told "health comes first", unless you are lucky enough to be able to dedicate all of your time, money and energy to your health, it really isn't that simple. My responsibilities, in their multitude, come first. Should my own health and wellbeing be more of a priority amongst those responsibilities? Yes, probably. But I'm working on that. Three days out of the past seven, I've been able to leave my stick at home. It has been absolutely fucking terrifying and not only have I been worried about making my symptoms worse but I've also been worried about what people will think. Is she cured? Has she been faking the whole time? No and no. Even though my conditions aren't curable, you can bet I'll have a damn good pop at making improvements. I still grieve for my healthy body but I don't have unrealistic expectations. I don't wanna be "inspiration porn" for able bodied people and I don't want you to read this and think that people with illnesses and disabilities "just need to try harder". Being sick is hard and we don't owe you anything. All I'm saying is that I'm trying to make some changes. It's an experiment. I might make improvements, I might not. If I do and my efforts are sustainable, then great. If not, I'll make peace with it and do what I can to maintain what I have. I just hope I don't make things worse! For now, at least, if I'm able to ride my bike for fifteen minutes in the sunshine and not fuck myself up too badly, I'm happy 🌞
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