a bipolar love

my husband has bipolar disorder. he takes his medication. he goes to his shrink. and yet our life is ruled by impulses. his mood swings. his anger. I wish I had found a blog like this before I married him. if I had...I might not have said yes.

[abipolarlove]

051926 morning

You are panicking about work. Afraid you did something wrong and responding by running away. Applying for new jobs. Trying to change something. You spent sunday afternoon trying to do a job application and evrytime you didnt understand something you asked for my help. For hours. Interrupted me when I was cooking, doing my work, talking to my daughter. And when I suggested that I dodnt know,that you dhojdl figure it out. You just keep saying I just need your help. I end up having to stay up late to finish my work. But you go your job application in. I hate my life

[abipolarlove]

41426 evening

You become enraged at our son's concert bc another man, and his wife (who have a kid in the band) came up to say hi and chat when its over. Then you realize what you've done and try to pretend you didnt do anything.

[abipolarlove]

32226 early

You want to know if we can find a way to work. I tell you none of this can ever happen again. I tell you that I won't do it any longer. You take notes.

[abipolarlove]

322 afternoon

You ask me if I've been seeing a therapist and I am honest and say yes. You are very angry. You ask if it's a man. I am honest and say yes. You ask if im sleeping with him. You are angry. Pout. Yell. Accuse. I hate myself because I don't leave

[abipolarlove]

319 6am

You wake me up. Tell me you are going on the trip. Tell me to wake her so you can leave. I tell you no. Tell you this is not ok. You cant keep changing things. You call me a cold bitch. You tell me I cant control you. You call me a bitch over and over you stomp your feet abd yell and come at me and I tell you its over and walk away. When she wakes up you are sitting at the table and give her the option to take the trip and she excitedly takes it. She had been looking forward to it. I let her go. Kick myself for doing it. You will be back tomorrow. Tomorrow.

[abipolarlove]

031826 afternoon

You are mad our daughter didnt talk to you when you saw her walking with a friend

Come.hime. cancel a trip younwere going to take with her. Yell at me..threaten to leave.

Yesterday you poked at me until I told you I wasn't in love with you anymore. You tell me you will do whatever it takes to save our marriage and not 24 hours later throw a.fit like a child. How sad, how lonely you are. Leave me to pick up the pieces of a disappointed kid who had been excited about seeing the mountains in the snow.

[abipolarlove]

031126 morning

You are mad again. Mad that I'm doing other things. You refuse to something you said you would i glare at me. I have no one to blame but myself

[abipolarlove]

112725 morning

Im.up for 10 minutes. I have emptied and refilled the dishwasher, cleaned up thr mess you left from breakfast and am just starting to get the kids breakfast when you come in.asking about pies. I am.sure I am not using my kindest tone. And you jump down my throat. You're upset bc your son didnt want to hang out with you, that I am short with you...and I dont care anymore. I tell you to have the grace you expect from us everyday to us as well. That you do whatever you want whenever you want it and dont consider others wants. You storm off. I make coffee.

[abipolarlove]

111425 morning

You wake up mad. All.my fault. Take no responsobility.

[abipolarlove]

10325 morning

You are mad that no one talks to you. Yourve been up since 130 in thr morning worrying about things. I have been awake forn20 minutes and am trying to run on the treadmill. You want to go to therapy you feel disconnected you you you you you you you you you

[abipolarlove]

092825 morning

You are mad that I was away the day before and mad that mentioned a man's name and refuse to come to a family breakfast where we are suppose to take our family pictures for the year. We go without you. You are still asleep when we get home.

[abipolarlove]

083025 evening

You woke up this morning wanting a second dog. You went to the shelter alone and found one you wanted. They wouldn't let you buy it without us being there. You were angry when I said no. Later you ask me about a business trip I have to talk in November and who is going to be there. You specifically want to know about a male coworker. I feel like I have a suction chest wound

[abipolarlove]

082525 morning

You were away for a few days and have been off since you got back. Acting weird. Angry. Mad that we had plans. And I feel like I am walking on eggshells. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[abipolarlove]

073025 evening

Is it love bombing or gaslighting or something else to be so angry and then leave me letters every morning thanking me for not leaving. Each one is just a reminder of how much and how badly I have failed.

[abipolarlove]

072625 morning

Im up to make coffee and breakfast. You didn't sleep. Don't worry you tell me. I'll figure it out. You're not made just short with everything I say. I feel like my nervous system is on a roller coaster. And I want to leave. Just get in my car and drive for as long as I can. North or east. Somewhere where the sun touches the ocean first.

[abipolarlove]

072525 afternoon

I aks you a question about a trip we have and you get mad and then sad. You are pissed off. Unable to recover act like a child make me feel horrible for bringing it up. You won't drop it, won't leave it. Your father is here. You are stressed out. Everything is bad. You go to bed angry

[abipolarlove]

071125 night

After a period of time when things are almost good they slip again and I feel gaslight and exposed and pissed off. I've done this to myself by not leaving before and now im.here again. No one to blame myself.